This Brilliant Dance
by Kitty Kat
Summary: Song fic set set after Holiday goes until way after Take on Me. Everyone's looking for ways to deal with Ashley, and Ash is acting crazy, and she fails to pick up on the signals from her best friend, until something totally tragic happens.
1. This Brilliant Dance

1This Brilliant Dance

Disclaimer: The brilliant minds in Dashboard Confessional own This Brilliant Dance. The brilliant minds in Canadian broadcasting own Degrassi and its characters. My own emo-ness owns this fic.

I was fuming as I slammed my body against my bed post. What happened to make us so different? Ashley and Craig: the poster couple. Well, maybe not that, exactly. But we meshed so well. He was my other half, the completing factor in my life.

It was like, how you wait your entire life for that Prince Charming, and you find him, and then he fucks the school slut. Yes, that in fact was exactly what it was like.

"Ashley Kerwin," mom says as she storms into my room. I don't remember giving her permission, in fact there was no knocking even involved in that grand entrance. I swipe my face with my blanket quickly before turning over to stare at her. "You have been locked in your room for two straight weeks. When are you coming out?"

"Well, if I had locked myself in, you wouldn't be standing here right now, would you?" I retort. Why is she doing this? I just wanted to be alooooone. What do I have to do, make everyone a sign?

"Do not be a smart aleck. Listen," she says, quickly changing tones into her motherly, soft voice, "do you want to talk about anything?"

"No," I answer. "I would like it very much if you just left me alone."

"Christmas break ends tomorrow, you know. And you're going to have to go back to school."

Thanks for reminding me. "I know," I say, hoping that if I gave her the right answers, I might get one more day of peace.

"Well," she says after staring at me for a few more moments. "That's all. I'm making pizza for dinner. I'll call you when it's ready." I almost tell her not to bother, but she's on her way out now, and that would just elongate her little visit.

"_So this is odd,  
Painful realization that all has gone wrong.  
And nobody cares at all.  
And nobody cares at all."_

I, Paige Michalchuk, feel the need to do something for the poor girl. After all, we had been friends once. And, really, if Spinner had done something that awfully, well, awful, to me, I hope that tons of people, Ashley included, would be constantly calling or stopping by with their sympathetic looks and suggestions on how to get the creep back. And, if I had been locked in my room for two weeks? Drastic measures are definitely in order.

"Paige!" Kate says, very excited indeed to see one of Ashley's friends. The poor girl really is in bad shape. I make my way up to her room, yes I still remember where it is, Kate, and in mere seconds find myself face to face with the recluse. I kick a way a few tissues that litter her ground on my way to her bed.

"Paige, what are you doing here?" she says, giving me one of her dramatic tones. I want to scream that everyone has problems, and that she shouldn't take this out on me, but I don't. I restrain myself.

"I'm having a bonfire tonight, hon. Haze, Terri, Spinner, Jimmy, Marco and my lovely brother, you know, the crew. I want you to come!" I say it in such a spirited manner, there is no way she could reject it.

"Not tonight. I have to, um…" she says, lamely looking for an excuse in her head. There is no way.

"Here's the deal, you bring his notes, his clothes, and his presents, everything he's ever made the mistake of leaving in your possession. And, of course, we burn it! All of it." This is the cure-all remedy for a bad break-up.

She sits silently, thinking it over. What was there to think about, really? "Oooooookay," she finally agrees.

"Good. Now let's find some good stuff to burn!"

"_So you bury all your lover's clothes,  
And burn the letters lover wrote.  
But it doesn't make it any better.  
Does it make it any better?"_

How had Paige convinced me to do this? Sit here, with these people, and open my wounds up to them. Didn't I know better? Didn't I know that it was fun for them to throw salt into people's wounds? I have the distinct feeling like something bad was about to happen, like Manny would come and inform everyone of her undying love to Craig, and I would have to witness their parade of idiocy. Not happening. I tell Paige thanks, but that I need some time by myself. She reluctantly agrees. For some reason, my pain has been very entertaining for her and her friends. But now is the only time I might have by myself before the tragedy that will be my first day back to Degrassi after Christmas vacation.

The path I take leads me around the darkened school. It seems so eerie to be at Degrassi when no one else is, like there are spirits of people, flings, heartbreaks, crushes, and fights penetrating every inch of the building. I stop in front of a special side door that Craig and I had always used. We first found it the day of the dance right after his dad died, when he needed someone and I was there. Maybe that's as far as his attraction went: a gratitude that I had been with him the entire time. This doorway, in fact, had been the site of our first kiss. It had been sweet and romantic, how everything about Craig Manning is sweet and romantic when he wants it to be, but now it just seemed like cheese. I feel the incredible urge to just throw something at the doorway now. I pick up a rather large rock, and hurl it at the spot where he had been standing, so many months ago. I'm glad it made a dent. I want him to know how badly the rock he threw at my heart crushed me.

I walk away slowly. That had felt good. This whole night had been therapeutic, after all.

"_And the plaster dented from your fist,  
In the hall where you had your first kiss,  
Reminds you that the memories will fade."_

We only have three classes together, I tell myself over and over. Luckily, he didn't feel the intense urge to apologize to me or grope Manny; both things that would make me break. I saw him in the hall once, right before home room, and I ducked into the nearest room. I looked around, noticing Toby immediately, and running over to tell him something I was sure he already knew about. He gave me the oddest stare, so I made casual chit chat with JT, being careful to avoid Manny's glare as well. This had become rather fun, actually, it gave me something to keep my mind off of Craig, as weird as it sounds.

I soon found that the classes I had with Craig were much more interesting than the ones that we didn't share. I smiled bigger, laughed heartier, and even engaged in conversation with Paige and Hazel, all to make him jealous, of course. I'm not becoming a recluse; I'm becoming a social butterfly. You didn't break me.

English was by far the best. Ms. Kwan took us to the auditorium to do another Shakespearian play, of course Romeo and Juliet, and I was the Juliet to Jimmy's Romeo. Craig had been assigned Mercutio. Rather fitting. We only did a few scenes; it was supposed to get us geared up for a semester all about Shakespeare. We did the marriage scene, since it was Ms. Kwan's favorite, and she told us that the kiss would not be necessary, but to just let our body language do the talking. Spinner, playing a horrible Friar Lawrence, told us that we were married. It was such a romantic moment, that I stared right at Craig for a whole second, and then grabbed Jimmy and kissed him. The entire auditorium gasped, and there was much applause after our kiss ended. That Ashley Kerwin, she's one spontaneous character.

"_So this is strange,  
A sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance.  
Where nobody leads at all,  
Where nobody leads at all."_

I'm not entirely sure what just happened. One second, there was this intensely romantic moment, and Ashley Kerwin looked right at me, yes me, but then she kissed Jimmy Brooks. Was that supposed to make me jealous? It worked. I know I screwed up, but do I deserve this?

I walk outside after school, and Manny comes running up to me. I glance over at Ashley, to make sure she's seeing this. It takes a lot of self control not to start hardcore making out with Manny while staring at Ash, that's how mad she made me. But I just walk away, knowing it wasn't the right place or time to talk about my feelings for Manny.

I trail Ashley home, which she doesn't realize. I follow closely behind her and Toby. I keep trying to think of a good excuse for this, but I don't have one. Craig Manning, you need to grow yourself some balls. You need to apologize, no excuses, no bull shit, and really, no stalking. They walk into their house, and I'm there two minutes later rapping on the door. Toby answers it, and laughs in my face. I guess I deserve that. I don't try to win her step-brother over; I just push him aside and make my way to her room.

Her mouth gapes in horror, which should be my first sign I'm not wanted. I look around the room, which became the antithesis of its formal self in two weeks. There is no sign that I had even existed. No pictures, no notes, no presents, she had even, if I'm not mistaken, taken down her Ramones poster. I want to fall on my knees and beg for forgiveness, but I just stand here, looking like an idiot. "Not now," is all she said. I get my clue and turn and walk out of her house.

"_And the picture frames are facing down,  
And the ringing from this empty sound,  
Is deafening and keeping you from sleep."_

Where does he come across doing that? My room, my space, my hideout. He had invaded it! I let myself cry again, sob heavily, throwing myself against my bed over and over. It becomes hard to breathe, and my thoughts begin to drift away. Nothing makes sense in this time period, but it feels good to not be thinking. I forget why I was crying, but don't want the feeling to go away. I faintly hear the door open and close; Toby left. I begin screaming and pounding my fists into my knees.

Everything is broken, I have no idea what time it was. The clock blinks menacingly at me, telling me to fix it. No! I can't do anything. All I have is the strength to sob against every wall in my room. I writhe on the ground a little, and then finally crawl up and plop down onto my bed. My chest heaves against the mattress, and I begin to calm down. I sit there for a long time, not noticing anything but myself and this bed, but I don't fall asleep. I can't, really. It's not an option. I will die if I fell asleep now. Craig would make his way back into my life, and Toby and my parents would be able to send me somewhere so they wouldn't have to deal with me. Every nightmare I ever had would culminate into my reality if I let myself sleep now. I pry my eyes open with my fingers, and lay there for a while, deadly silent. Even if they want to find me, they will never be able to get me while I'm awake.

"_And breathing is a foreign task,  
And thinking's just too much to ask.  
And you're measuring your minutes,  
By a clock that's blinking eights."_

She sent me away. That's when it hit me. I will never, ever be in Ashley Kerwin's home again, unless I become the stalker that I'm threatening to turn into. I miss her house. I miss the constant odor of teenagers and fresh food. I miss Ashley.

Has it taken me this long to realize what I missed out on? I thought it would be okay, because now I have Manny, and I can settle for Manny. And my internal battle was fought and won, and I just wanted to apologize. That's the only reason I went over there.

Seeing her, seeing her broken but not ready to admit it to me, of course, that's what set me off. I got that feeling in my muscles, you know, the one you get when your girlfriend is hurt, and every part of your body aches to hold her. It's almost a primal instinct, one man had been feeling since the beginning of time, probably.

I have to settle for Manny, at this point. It's not like Ashley can even look at me anymore, let alone talk to me or let me back into her life. I need someone, I imagine. It will never be the same. I never came to grips with this during our relationship, I mean, really and truly believe it, but I was in love. How insane. The only girl I've ever loved, save my mom or Angela, can't look at me. It's what I get for not realizing it sooner.

"_Well, this is incredible,  
Starving, insatiable,  
Yes, this is love for the first time."_

Toby comes running into my room, interrupting a very important discovery I'm making about the millions of ways you can procrastinate. I'm lying on my floor, flipping through a music magazine and nonchalantly putting more band stickers on my skateboard. "What is it?" I ask.

"Ashley's fucked up," is all he says as he collapses onto my bed. Well, I could've told him that.

"'Kay," I say and go back to the magazine. "Want me to go have a talk with her?" It's our new thing, our little chats. Seems we have more in common than either of us would ever admit, and that girl really needs someone to talk to right now. I should take upon myself the role of concerned male friend, who at the end of the day really wants to snog the female friend.

"Yup," he says. He pulls out a book he brought. "I'll be here when you come back."

I laugh at him and leave my house. This is a new one: going to her house for the sole purpose of being with her. I drop my skateboard onto the sidewalk outside of my house and ride the short distance to her's. I run up to stairs, knocking but not waiting, and walk into her room. She smiles, which I suspect is a new thing for her to be doing to visitors. "Hey dweeb," she says. I laugh a little and sit down on the edge of her bed. It doesn't take very long for her to open up about everything.

The thing about us, JT Yorke and Ashley Kerwin, is that we were not bull shitters. She tells me right out that Manny is a slut and if I even so much as touch her that I will get some sort of disease. I tell her straight out that she needs to stop thinking about Craig, that he had never loved her, and that one day she would find some asshole somewhere in the world that would screw her up even worse than this.

The other thing about us is that we could have never been friends under any other circumstances. While she dated Craig, I thought she was ignorant to be so unfalteringly in love with someone like that. And before this, she probably would've never opened up to her brother's odd little friend. I guess all things are for the best.

"_Well, you'd like to think that you were invincible,  
Yeah, weren't we all once before we felt lost for the first time?"_

JT makes me smile in a way I haven't smiled in forever. Who knew my brother's odd little friend could turn out to be one of my best? After our heartwarming, no holds barred conversation, I lean over and kiss him. Of course, it is just another one of those irrational things I've been doing since the Craig fiasco. However, this one feels better. It feels right. JT Yorke? Who would've guessed?

Then I kicked him out.

"_Well this is the last time,  
This is the last time.  
This is the last time."_


	2. Ruthless

**Chapter 2: Ruthless**

Disclaimer: Ruthless Soco's baby. Degrassi Canadian television's baby. This fic my baby. Take anything, and watch yourself get bitch slapped.

Am I deserving of this? Yes, I imagine I am. I deserve to watch my ex-girlfriend stomp all over me, and of course I can't say anything since my new girlfriend is watching me like a hawk. She. is. dating. JT. Yorke. I've said it to myself about 7,000 times. I mean, where in the hell did this come from? Manny with JT, I was bracing myself for. I can't believe the guys made fun of me for being a cradle robber. What is this? I ask you again, what. is. this?

I tighten my grip around Manny's waist and smile bigger, hoping someone other than Manny will notice. Someone, like say, Ashley? I don't even think I want her. All I know is that I don't want her with him. This is incredibly embarrassing. She's taking this Demi/Ashton thing way too far. I hope this is just some rebound.

Manny really is gorgeous, if you look at her. She has everything the stereotypical male is looking for, but am I really that shallow? I kiss her and stand up. She asks where I'm going. I tell her home. She informs me that it is only noon. I laugh and walk away. Hard ass Craig Manning always doing his own damn thing.

I kick my way up the stairs once I'm inside my house. This is insane. Why don't I just bring Manny with me like I want to? She is good for relieving stress. Really, I do think about Manny almost constantly. It's only those few times, when I see Ashley or a brief memory floods my thoughts, that I feel horrible. I feel I can't go on with things the way they are. It takes awhile and the deepest cleansing, but I always get the feelings out.

In my room, I feel safe, finally. Yes, I decide, Manny really should be here with me. Maybe I'll go back and get her after school and bring her here. I sit and play the guitar for awhile. I see a scrap of paper that is littered on my floor and go to pick it up. I toss it into the garbage can, give it a half glance, and see it's an old picture of Ashley. I'm talking goth days, maybe even the day of the dance. I was probably crying or something over dad, and she's just standing there, looking hurt, and I must've just snapped her picture. I turn away from it, afraid it'll burn more memories into my skull. I sit down with my guitar again, but my eyes keep glancing back to the garbage. Finally, I can't take it anymore.

I take out the trash.

_"This is the only lonely picture,  
Waiting on my floor,  
Littering my shore."_

I'm not sure where this sudden burst of Ashley came from. One minute, it's this secret, 'you tell anyone, you die' ambience, and the next, she wants to make out in front of all these people. Not like I'm complaining. A pretty girl wants to snog, you snog her.

Where did this whole snogging come from? JT Yorke, dear self, you are not, no matter how much you debate it to the contrary, British. There are plenty fine Canadian words to use in this situation. Oh, who am I kidding? I love the word snog. Note to self: Tell Ashley you enjoy when she snogs you. Hope she doesn't tell you to shut your lame mouth.

So, she's kind of been professing her love all day. I hope it's not one of those situations where she's just trying to get back at Craig. I really do like her. I know what I should do. I should write this totally secretive letter, expressing in Shakespearian vocabulary how much I love to be with her. It's a romantic gesture, in a way. One she should enjoy.

_"This is the last true burning letter,  
Given to a girl,  
Written by a boy,  
Living in a world created to destroy."_

"I love him," I sigh to absolutely no one in particular. Sean, who just happens to be sitting next to me in Simpson's class, gives me an absolutely wretched look. I give him a similar look back. I'm not Emma's friend anymore; I don't have to put up with his bullshit. He just sighs and looks away; of course I won, I always win.

The bell finally rings, and I start outside. Maybe I should go visit Craig? He seemed to dash out before lunch with absolutely no explanation. It was probably Ashley getting to him again. Damn her! Damn her to hell! Why did she have to go and do this? Doesn't she understand: they're over, we're together. GET. OVER. IT. I just wish he would look at me like he used to, this little secret between us, and we would run to the nearest bed, or couch, or floor; it didn't matter.

I don't have to make the decision; he's already waiting for me. I run up to him and peck him on the cheek, right in front of Ashley, no less. As he slings his arm around me and we begin walking away, I turn around. I was expecting this shocked look, but instead, she looks happy? What's with that? And, honestly JT, must you date her? She's so, used.

We find our way to his room pretty quickly, and he's on top of me as we collapse onto his bed. His mouth my God. I'm really getting into it, and then he stops. "What's wrong baby?" I ask as he rolls off of me and onto his back.

"Headache," is all he says. I go to the bathroom to grab some Advil. I go back into his room to give it to him, and he looks like he had seen a ghost.

"Sweetums," I say, nudging him a little, "what's wrong?"

"Just, I really am starting to feel sick. I shouldn't have brought you here." The last statement lingers in the air for a long time.

"Yea," I say, breaking the silence. "I have homework. I'll see you tomorrow, or something. If you're sick I'll just see you when you come back."

"I'm sorry Manny," he says. And he looks so sad and lost, like a puppy, that I just smile.

"Another time."

_"But if I built you a city,  
would you let me?  
Would you tear it down?"_

I fall onto my bed and pump myself for a long nap. Unfortunately, the people of the world are not with me on this one. I hear a knock at the door downstairs, and hoping to God it's Ashley, I run down to open it. Just my luck: Manuella Santos.

"And you're here, why?" I ask. It's not that I hate Manny. Really. I mean, the girl just can't go around interrupting people's naps. The only person able to do that is a girlfriend who's in the mood for snogging.

"JT, cut that crap," she says, pushing her way past me. She hops on to my couch. My eyes narrow into slits, like a cat. "I just wanted to hang." Hang? Is she serious?

"Well, you hang," I say, mocking her last word. "I'm taking a nap." I walk up the stairs, actually not caring whether Manny stayed or left.

"JT," she whines, overemphasizing the last syllable like a two year old. I ignore her and slam my door. I start to drift when she slams my door open, standing in the doorway, hands on hips. "Why does it have to be like this?"

"Because I'm tired."

"I feel like I have the plague or something." That's another thing about Manny. She is so dramatic about everything. I remember, just last week, she told me the way I was acting was "absolutely wretched." I told her that somebody needed to shut her cable off.

She sits at the end of my bed in a huff. "Doesn't anybody care?"

I'm really beyond agitated at this point. I stand up and start to raise my voice, just so she understands the severity. "No, Manny, no one does. Honestly, you think that everybody's out to get you, but we're not. You're just annoying. A-NNOY-ING. Please. You walk around with your hands on your hips and your 'holier than thou' tone, but no one's buying it. No one wants to deal with your petty and melodramatic immaturity. You just need to start thinking that maybe, sometimes, when people tell you to leave, they actually mean it."

"You..." she starts, almost on the verge of tears. I don't care. "You want me to leave?"

"Now, preferably," and I lay back down. She stands there for awhile, I think a minute, or maybe five, but then turns on her heel and tries her best dramatic exit. It's too little, too late.

_"But there you go for the last time,  
I finally know now what I should have known then.  
That I could still be ruthless if you'll let me."_

I make it to school the next day, not sure how. Joey gave me about 18,000 drugs, and I gladly took each and every one of them. I think the stress is finally getting to me. This is it. I need to make Ashley listen to me. Just, for five minutes. If she just says that we can both stop going out of our way to make each other jealous, then I'll be fine. I can move on. I mean, technically, I moved on while we were still going out. But I don't have to think about that.

She's standing by the entrance, laughing with JT. I clench my fist involuntarily. Back off, slugger. He's done nothing to warrant this hatred. Before I start up the steps, he goes inside. I hurry to catch up with her. For a few seconds, we just walk next to each other. She acknowledges my presence without saying a word. "Ashley," I say, stopping. She takes a few more steps. "Ashley please stop."

"What is it, Craig?" she says, exasperated.

"I hate myself," I blurt out. She looks shocked but quickly recovers. Hell, at least she's sticking around. "I mean, well, you know. I just... Listen, Ashley, I've gotten physically sick worrying that you may never be able to look at me again without detest in your eyes. I'm not asking complete forgiveness, just give me a chance. Please."

She smiles and walks away. JT materializes out of some classroom, and she startes to walk with him. Before they disappear, she turns around and waves at me. It is a start.

_"But there you go and I'm not done.  
You're waving goodbye, but at least you're having fun.  
The rising tide will not let you forget me,  
Forget me."_

Ashley Kerwin does know how to drive a guy crazy. Not me this time, though. I mean, look at her track record: Me, Sean, Craig, and now JT? No other girl at Degrassi has done that. Many girls at Degrassi haven't even dated four guys.

Wow, Ashley's still got that pizzaz that makes you fall head over heels. Of course, no girl will compare with her in my lifetime. She has that first love thing that always gets to me. Would I like to date her again? No. It would ruin this whole image of her I have from our last relationship. Sure, we had our fights and our eventual break-up, due to a really stupid thing she did, but there were just too many good times.

She came on to me again in English, in the cover of a play. Ms. Kwan, bless her, is so confused by us. I think from now on, she's not going to put us together. But at the way Ashley's going, she could make Narcissus fall in love with her.

I follow her out of English, totally confused at this point. "What's going on?" I ask her.

"Jimmy!" she says, enveloping me in the biggest hug, I think, ever.

"Good to see you, too, Ash," I say patting her back tentatively.

"You're such a good sport, I wanted you to know. Letting me just kiss you like that, without warning. A lot of other guys would've just pushed me off."

She is starting to sound like her old self, and this just confuses me more. Well, I think under the pretenses of a previous thought, I didn't want to date the new Ashley to ruin the image of the old Ashley. But if she is the old Ashley... "Well," I say, trying to sound as sly as possible, "we can practice it again, sometime, if you want." She giggles and walks away. Nice going, Brooks.

_"This is the ghost that kneels before me,  
Raises on her tongue, a body full of oxygen.  
It won't be the last time she'll ignore me."_

Physically. Ill. Want. To. Die. Send. Help.

I lay on the bathroom rug after another rousing cleansing of my intestinal tract. This is getting pretty bad. I hate the winter. Flu's are the worst.

I don't have the strength to deal with it anymore. I rest my head against the cool bathroom floor, loving the stark differences between it and my skin. I can feel different parts of my body falling unconscious. Will Joey be home soon? Might Manny come over to check on me? Doesn't anyone care about poor, useless, dying Craig?

_"The thinning of my skin, without the strength to go,  
The winter's setting in, to cover you in snow."_

I love obstacles. It's part of my competitive nature. So, really, everyone knows I could've gone back to Craig. He's practically groveling every time I walk by. It's sick, honestly. I could, but the obstacle is not in sustaining the relationship, but it is in moving on. Leaving Craig to deal with Manny Santos. Poor kid.

JT is really very simple, but at the same time, he can blow you out of the water with his depth. I mean, if he's ever mad, I simply kiss him once, and all is forgiven. Ten minutes later, we can be in a huge philosophical discussion about our existence and he can make points you would imagine only a trained professional in the matter would bring up. He fascinates me. He's the perfect mix.

That's why I keep kissing Jimmy. Of course, it's stayed within the reasonable boundaries of my play's character. But, what would he do if it wasn't? Would he care? Yes, of course. But it would just be another challenge, and we would get over it. Of course, I'm still quite hurt by the Craig cheating scandal, so I'm not going to cheat on JT. It's just a thought.

Manny Santos. I think I'm going to play with her head. I enjoy it. JT told me he already told her off. It is such a cute story, I couldn't help but sharing with Paige. Paige! Paige laughed for a whole minute and said "Ashley, that is by far the best thing your little boyfriend has ever done. Keep him around. I'm definitely liking his new attitude."

I hate Paige. But I keep her around, just for the moments like these. And that bonfire. That was pretty good. I guess I don't totally hate Paige. I might even be acting more like her. Is that bad? Oh well. Another obstacle.

_"I'll raise towers and climb them,  
Rivers and walk them,  
Oceans to drown in,  
You won't make a sound in."_


	3. Shine

**Chapter 3: ****Shine**

Disclaimer: Steal the song, you're stealing from Josh Todd. Steal the characters, you're stealing from Canadian television(and trust me, they're vicious). Steal the plot, and yea, you're stealing from my emo heart. Don't do that. The 'nadians will take care of you. And if you steal the line, "Forget dating, we might as well get married," you are stealing from a good friend of mine and he'll come and beat your ass 'cause that was an original line that I stole from him. Young kids in love and 'nadians. sigh

I can't believe how utterly different my life has become since the addition of Ashley Kerwin as my girlfriend. First, the obvious perks, snogging. She's one helluva snogger. Second, she gives me reason to think to the extent that I do. And lastly, she's brilliant. She opens my eyes to something new everyday.

Toby told me he wanted to deck me after seeing me snog his sister. I told him that Spinner often times had to calm himself after seeing Toby and Kendra in action. I also reminded him that now that I was with Ashley, my relationship with Spinner was pretty good, and I could convince him that Toby needed a little pounding. Toby shut up.

I walk out of MI, briefly chatting with Emma about this weekend's homework, when she comes up to me and pulls me away. "What did you tell Jimmy?" she demands, as soon as we're in the security of the gym.

"Brooks?" I ask innocently. She nods. "That I want to be the only one snogging my girlfriend."

"GOD, will you get over yourself and stop using that word?" she cries running her hands through her short hair. I think about adding a little joke in there, that it's physically impossible for me to leave my body to get over myself, but I decide against it. Good choice, Yorke. She paces a little in front of me. I want to reach out to her, I hate seeing her angry. Instead, I just jam my hands into my pockets and wait her out. "Alright, I kissed Jimmy, like, once while we were dating. But I had to! It was written in the play. I'm not going to go messing around with half a millenium's worth of literature." I actually don't really care about the Brooks/Kerwin snogging, erm, kissing. It was just a joke.

"Okay, Ash, I won't talk to him again," I say, throwing my hands up in mock defeat.

"So you're not going to go all psycho jealous? And, better yet, you're not going to extract revenge, on either of us, right?"

"Can I still say 'snog'?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.

"I love that word. I don't know why I said I didn't. British JT is so much more fun than Canadian JT."

Ashley is so crazy sometimes. "You are so forgiven," I say, slinging an arm around her.

_"In your eyes I that something's wrong.  
In your mind you think I've gone too far,  
And you try to think of all the reasons..."_

Ashley Kerwin must die. That's just, final. I mean, OK, yes she's going to die eventually one day, but wouldn't it be great if that day just happened to be today?

Craig is not in his right mind because of the flu and all the drugs he's on. He told me he slept on the bathroom floor last night. Can someone say 'eww?' Back to the point, he is staring at Ash again, giving her one of his looks. Maybe I should thank JT, because if it wasn't for him, I bet Craig and Ashley would be in some broom closet right now, making out. Not like that's saying much for the character of my boyfriend. I wish he could just be more, normal.

Here's the weird thing that I never thought would happen. Hazel and I are putting Paige in the air before practice begins yesterday, and Ashley comes over and starts this whole conversation with Paige. While she's in the air! But, more importantly than that, before she leaves, she looks at me, smiles, and says "hey Manny, don't drop our girl." Hazel and her share this little secretive smile, and I just do one of those sarcastic, tilt your head and smile grimly things, and she walks away. Ashley's a trip.

I see Craig standing by my locker, and I run over to him, but he's there to talk to...JT? Yes, JT and I are locker neighbors, but this is just too weird. My boyfriend talking to this annoying kid who tells me off just because he got a new girlfriend. I was hoping Craig was telling him off, maybe throwing a few punches, but no, Craig's talking about doing themed art for the newspaper and wanted JT's comics the same theme. What, the, hell? It's gotta be the drugs. But he's still too close to Ashley. Too close for comfort.

I kiss him, one of those grand French kisses that you expect the people in front of the Eiffel Tower must feel compelled to do, before he walks away. He is stunned, but then he kind of pushes me away and says he'll get me sick. God, that boy...

_"Now you sit and watch the power die,_

_Shine, he loves and look what's happened.  
Shine, he'll turn the water back on.  
Be back home again,  
Be back home again."_

Manny's such a cute little thing that I hate not wanting to be with her. I decide this whole flu was definitely caused by stress. I run up Manny after school, trying to explain, but she just looks so devastated. She is so damn horny, I feel like I can't compare. I finally give up, telling her to sneak over sometime during the night. I'll be waiting in the garage for her, so that she can finally help me get over this damn sickness. I don't even want to think about the most obvious thing, that Manny could be causing my stress. She's all I have, and I'm not about to let her leave.

So, you know, it's like 1 or so, and she wakes me up by straddling me and kissing my neck. It's, um, quite a wake up call. We have our little fun, even though I'm not too into it; I feel like throwing up the whole time, actually. I roll back over, expecting her to sneak back into her house. She tries to snuggle and get her body under my arms, reminiscent of a cat. "Manny," I whisper.

"Craig, can't I just spend the night, like how normal people do?"

"Manny, don't start..." I'm too tired for this.

"Why?"

"For one, your empty bed might tip your parents off. For another, I can't sleep when you're here, you know that. There's just too many things. I can't have you stay. I'm soory."

She stands up, her mind fills with thoughts of me hating her. God, she is so dramatic sometimes. I look up, and she is verging on tears. "Manny, please, not tonight." I bury my head under my pillow, hoping shell be gone when I look up again.

_"It's alright cause we're doing it all night long,  
It takes time just to stay inside my arms.  
And you try to think of all the reasons,  
Now you stand with water in your eyes."_

I feel like I have this little secret known as JT Yorke. It's like, one day, a knock at my door comes, and there's this entirely new thing about him, and then I realize - I'm supposed to love him. And I know my loving him has started this new JT wave. I don't think anyone ever imagined dating JT before me, I mean Manny, maybe for a millisecond, before she decided she'd rather be in the life ruining business. Now, girls fling themselves at him, and he just kind of grins, oblivious, and waves at me. How utterly, utterly wonderful is that? My little pet JT.

I really do like him, though. There's all this speculation that he's just a rebound, and that he doesn't mean anything real to me. To the naked eye, that's how I would look at the situation. But the JT goof ball skater kid at Degrassi isn't the same one I see talking about the meaning of religion and God. That's our new discussion. I've been seriously considering this atheist thing, but for right now, we're both settling on agnostic.

I'm so glad I have him. I don't know if we'll get married. I haven't been having those vivid dreams like how I had with Jimmy and then Craig. It's more of a one day at a time thing, but I look at JT as a forever. I don't look at other guys and say 'when I break up with JT...' because I don't want to break up with JT. Now that I've started to think about it, how well does 'Ashley Yorke' sound? Better than 'Ashley Brooks' or 'Ashley Manning.' Haha, I hope Manny marries him. 'Manny Manning.' Oh, man, I crack myself up.

_"In the back of my mind I put you together,  
God shined your light as a phantom.  
You'd say there's nothing better,  
We've got so much time."_

It's not that I don't love her. Alright, I don't love her, but I do like her. A lot. I know the love thing comes up everyday in conversation, but it's hard for me. She saw how long it took for me to tell Ashley, can't she just back off? I hate that she's always on my case about love. I want to be with her and no one else. Is that not enough?

I go over to explain it, but she doesn't really care. Her parents had woken her up this morning, as I said they would, and she is tired enough as it is. So, all is wrecked in our world, again, and we super glue it back together, again. I think I might let her spend the night with me this weekend. We can go outside and watch the sunrise, and then I'll send her home. I really do have this craving for her to be with me. I don't know why I keep sending her home. I guess I'm just afraid to let her in, to fall in love, because that never got me anywhere.

The way it happens is different than I imagined. We both make up a few stories, grab a few blankets, and sleep on the top of this hill a few miles away from our houses. I finally get into it, being with her, making love to her so many times, talking, kissing, breathing each other in. I think it's good for me. It is just this amazing thing where I'm able to follow the path of the sun during sunrise up until mid-morning. Most relationships start in the morning stage, happy and bright, but our's didn't. It came out of the black of a past relationship, and I think for this reason it was symbolic for us to lay there while it was dark and make love until it became light for us. Maybe, I'm even starting to fall in love with her.

_"Oh now we've cut through the matter,  
Make it back and watch the sun go.  
You'd say there's nothing better,  
We've got so much time."_

She's so beautiful when she smiles. She'll only smile at me when we're alone. And it's this wonderful thing that could light all of Paris in an instant. If I would have to give up the rest of my life to make her smile one last time, I would do it gladly. I'm not sure what makes me think this way around her. When I'm not around her, even when I'm thinking of her, I make absolutely no sense. My thoughts jump from a rabid bunny to what I ate for breakfast last week. Then, there's her, and it's like there was nothing before her smile.

Forget dating, we might as well get married.

I've known I've loved her since, like, day two. I just don't know the right way to say it so that she understands. I know I'm just JT Yorke, and this is the first girl whose ever glanced my way twice, but this has got to be love. No one else can understand. If Ash feels sorry for me or is only using me for a rebound, she wouldn't sit with me for three hours, staring into my eyes, and talk openly about her beliefs. She's not the type of person who can fake that.

I decide to tell her. I know it's only been, like, a month, but I can't help feeling this. I've known her since 7th grade, and I know whether she wants to or not, she'll always be my first love. I walk into her house, up the stairs, past Toby's room, and find myself sitting on her bed in no time flat. I feel on top of the world but nervous as fuck.

"JT," she says. She is painting her toe nails this crazy silver color. Mental note: Tell Ash you love the nail polish after she beats your ass for moving too fast.

I can't hold it in. The words will spill out of me as soon as I open my mouth. So first, I kiss her. One of those, stopping the world and melting into each other, kisses. After we break away, her eyes stay closed for a minute and she seems to just breathe me in. "I love you," I squeake out, not meaning to, but knowing that it would've come out anyway.

She smiles. I melt. Usual drill. Her smiling has to be a good sign, right? She is just thinking of the right words to use, right? She brushes some loose hair out of my face. She finally kisses me again, letting herself fall onto the bed and bringing me with her. A horizontal snogging session. Nice. I let my hands roam a little, knowing that she is still Ashley Kerwin, and at some point, she will tell me to stop. But she never does. Is this...? Are we...? She grabs me. Apparently so. "What are you doing?" I ask her, but not as menacingly as that statement is always used. I'm just curious. This is not Craig's Ashley Kerwin.

"Show me," she says, letting her mouth breathe a second, but then quickly letting it roam my neck again.

"What?" I ask, not sure what she meant.

"Show me how much you love me."

Well, hell. What am I supposed to do?

_"Shine, he loves and look what's happened.  
Shine, he'll turn the water back on.  
Be back home again,  
Be back home again."_


	4. Anthem of our Dying Day

**Chapter 4: Anthem of our Dying Day**

Dis: AODD was created for us by Story of the Year. Degrassi was created for us by Canadian televisioning. This fic was created for the purpose of pleasing me, and hopefully giving you all something interesting to read. The Client(book) was created by J. Grisham and the movie by a bunch of people no one cares aboot. Sorry creators, I liked it. The Virgin Suicides was formed in the brilliant mind of Jeffrey Eugenides(book) who I may one day get to meet and rape the brain of. Because of his brilliance and Sofia Coppola who made the awesome TVS movie.

_Please note this is many moons after my last chapter. This is after Take On Me and all that good stuff..._

I love Ashley Kerwin and Marco del Rossi. I love them more than they will ever know, but I can't stay with this just for them. For once, I'm going to do something for myself. She was drunk, what can I say? I know that it's my excuse for pretty much everything: mom is sick, I can't go out. She passed out, and I just stared at her in disgust like I did everyday. But, this time it was different. Her car, the '92 Camry that looks like it's been to hell and back(it has), needed to pay it's service to me. I drove. I drove and I drove. I didn't know where to, but I had my passport in case I ended up at the border.

Well, I don't end up remotely near the border. I drive, stopping once for six hours of sleep in the back of my car at a rest stop. When I make sense of anything, I'm at this quiet little beach in Massachusetts. That's where I am now. I've been here for almost two hours, but I'm not moving. I'm wrapped in four blankets. It's cold. I'm always cold, but I think everyone would be cold here. The blankets keep me from having to deal with the scars or any part of my body.

The water is cold, too. I checked. I knew it would be, but I wanted to go out and touch the water. It's so, refreshing. Water I guess is the definition of what refreshing should be. I just thought that statement might sound different coming from me, at this time, when you know... after everything that's happened, I'll just say that.

I watched 'The Client' a few months ago. That's where the idea came from. I mean, I've known forever that you can, well, one who sits in a garage with a running car will eventually run out of oxygen from the exhaust or something. But this guy did it in the middle of the country, by attaching a hose to the exhaust pipe and leading it back into the car. He was huge and hairy and wonderful, and I understand him. He would understand me too, this fictional character. We could be great friends and have this exotic rent-controlled apartment overlooking Central Park.

Alright, I'll admit it to you now, the exhaust is coming into the car. But don't tell Ashley or Marco, they'll just keep pulling it out like that damned kid in The Client. The one who has to get mafia smart in like, five days, but he does it. That's when you realize it's a movie.

God, how much I hated that movie, except for the first part. I didn't like the kid. He reminded me of Sean: always smoking and trying to act like a hard ass even though he was like, eleven.

I hope everyone in school buzzes about this. I hope Paige Michalchuk just shuts up because she knew I was fucked, and she has to live with that. I hope they all go "What was that Ellie Nash thinking when she killed herself?" And they'll whisper the last two words like they're spreading the plague or something.

I debated about the whole suicide note thing the entire way down here. I decided on no, for whatever reasons I had(I can't remember them now). Maybe I should just write 'I thought about the Client' but no, then they'll think I have a client, or something. I'm not in the mafia. I'm not a stoner. I don't have clients.

I remember this other movie once. It was called the Virgin Suicides. And these five sisters all kill themselves, four on the same day. The really pretty one, Lux, died in the car with the exhaust in the garage and all that. It was so cool, her hand was limp out the window, holding a lit cigarette; that's how they found her. I can't do that, though, because I don't have a garage. I could go back. But then I wouldn't have an ocean. Oh, oh. Oh...

_"The stars will cry the blackest tears tonight,  
And this is the moment that I live for.  
I can smell the ocean air."_

She's gone.

What more is there to think about? There's no point to any thoughts. These aren't my thoughts. These are fillers so I can look like I'm thinking about something when I'm not. It's too much to ask.

She took me to the roof once under the pretense that I not tell a soul. I laughed, both of us knowing I would tell Dylan the minute she was out of earshot. How it seems so easy to pass the day up here now. Class is suspended for us anyways, as far as I knew. It doesn't matter. No one cares anymore.

I throw rocks at the sky for awhile, but that quickly fades as the noise begins to remind me of anguish and pain, and then her. She is the end all and be all. We all wonder what we could've done, and that thought will drive us all insane. I try to avoid it. There's no way to avoid this flood that comes over you, and vanishes like that. The aftermath is still there, you still realize she's gone, and you can't help but break. Break for Ellie.

I find a bag of colored rocks, maybe for lawn decorating purposes?, a few minutes ago. I've started to form them into words, MASH style. "I Love You, Ellie Nash" takes me about an hour, this including a search for a few more bags of colored rocks, scattered upon the rooftop. She's gone, but will she ever be forgotten?

_"Here I am pouring my heart onto these rooftops,  
Just a ghost to the world.  
Thats exactly,  
Exactly what I need..."_

Deep breaths. You must remember to breathe. Hold it in, let it out. You can't let them see you cry. You're not hurt. You can't cry. You won't.

"Sean, are you okay?" a girl asks, passing on the way to her seat.

"Dandy," I respond. It comes unnaturally, and I know I need to get out. I can't think of anywhere that's not flooding with grieving kids. None of you knew her. You didn't know her like I did, like Marco did, like Ashley did... You didn't know her. God, this is so pathetic, Cameron. You can't even bring your thoughts to the girl. The girl who saved you, in the process killing herself.

I stumble upon the roof haphazardly after wandering for about 15 minutes. At least it will be quiet up here, right? No one will expect to sympathize. No one will know. I can just leave. But, it's not the same. I have nowhere to go.

That's when I see him. He's not crying either. I thought he would be. I thought it's what they do. He has a right to. More than I do. I don't know if I should go over to him. He hasn't seen me yet, maybe I should just leave. Damn, he sees me. He registers my presence, and goes back to staring out at the city.

Jay and this kid's queer boyfriend have had some pretty rough deals. He hates me. I mean, I made him hate me. I didn't realize that my hurting of Ellie Nash could turn into my hurting of Marco del Rossi, but to tell the truth, I didn't care and would've done it anyway.

That's when I notice it. The rocks. They were formed into words, that I have a hard time reading. Not only because I'm not far enough away to get the ariel view, but I'm reading them upside down. When I make it out, I can't help myself. Tears come, and Marco looks up. I don't brush them away. I make my way to him and sit, staring at it some more. We both start crying. There's no way we're going to stop now. I don't know why, but I want to hug him so bad. We need to share this. After I grab him, we grip each other for dear life and the sobbing gets louder. "I loved her so much," I manage. "I love her."

I'm not sure when we stopped holding on to each other. All I remember is waking up, and it's dark. I start to panic, because it's dark, and it's obviously not the day, and I have to be alone because no one would stay up here with me. I stand up and brush myself off, and that's when I see him. He's sitting at the edge, staring again, and it's this creepy feeling because you can see the city and it's shining at us, and we both stare like we're in some kind of trance. "We can get out. I checked." It's the only words he's spoken to me, and I feel kind of relieved. We start to walk home, and it's bitterly cold. I still have no clue what to say, but the pressure's off. We don't need to talk. We know that we won't lose each other now. We're the only ones who loved Ellie to the extent that we would die for her, save Ashley. But you never know with her. And I screwed up. So, I can see how Marco feels alone. But it's comforting, for me at least, to know that someone else is feeling the same pain I am.

_"From up here the city lights burn,  
Like a thousand miles of fire.  
And I'm here to sing this anthem of our dying day..."_

Paige drags me to the park after homeroom. It is another one of those up-and-leave things that we are allowed (read:supposed) to do. I hate Paige right now. I can't put my finger on it. I don't even mind that she is acting like she was Ellie's best friend to the entire school. I just want to hit her.

"It's just so awful," she manages between sobs. I haven't seen her with a dry eye since I told her a couple nights ago. "I found out about her cutting, and it was like 'oh God, how could someone do that' and now.... You know what? This one night, it was after the rape when I would stay up all night to avoid having to have any dreams. I was watching Crossing Over, that weird show where this guy talks to the dead. And he was talking about suicide, and he was like 'never do it because you'll have to deal with these problems over there, too.' Isn't that completely awful? Like, if she went this far, I at least want things to be better over there."

She's rambling, and I'm sure she's aware of it, but this fact doesn't make her stop. I haven't felt this blow yet. I want to run away from Paige and run to tell Ellie how much of a bitch she is. No, I wouldn't. I'm lying to myself! I would tell JT first, and if he didn't listen, maybe Ellie. Ellie, who has been there through everything. My dear, sweet Ellie. I couldn't even tell you that Paige was a bitch? Wow. I'm lower than scum. I can't even believe who I am anymore.

How could I do this to her? I should've seen her downfall. I should've noticed. Instead, I was too busy almost making love to JT, before we both realized how silly we were for even thinking about it(neither of us had a condom). This whole time that I thought she was getting better, she was slipping between the cracks. I wonder how many of her scars I caused...

Paige has totally stopped talking now. She's making horribly loud sobbing noises, almost like a cat coughing up a hair ball. She's gasping for air, and I want to cut her supply off. But I hug her. I do what I'm supposed to. She grips onto my shoulders, and I cry with her.

But I don't feel like crying.

_"For a second I wish the tide,  
will swallow every inch of the city,  
As you gasp for air tonight."_

**(addressed totally to Ellie)**

I know I messed up! I know I flipped out and I screwed up and I know I will keep screwing up my relationships like I did with you and Emma. I KNOW! I know, I know. I know and I know, I know. I know! I know. I know and I have no idea why. You knew I would do it though. You set me up for failure. I couldn't stand up to your wild expectations... of being there for you.

I'm sorry. I just don't know why I did what I did and we got where we got. It was just me, drinking and being Sean Cameron. What else do you want me to say? I drove you to suicide? Is that what you want? Alright. I did it. But I never thought anyone would do that. It's so, crazy. Not that you're crazy. Even now, you're so sane but so burdened. I want to take your burdens and carry them and watch you come back. You need to come back. I can't do this without you.

Do you remember when we had that massive fight outside of your house and you stormed up into your room and I stood outside and screamed until you opened your window and threw a CD at me? I KNOW you picked it on purpose. It was Linkin Park, the only thing we would both listen to, even though neither of us were madly in love with them. And, for the next twenty days I listened to Numb and couldn't stop thinking about you.

So, come back, Ellie. I'll sing you Numb. You'll forgive me and we'll be better. I promise I won't drink, and I'll be good. I won't steal! I won't do anything. I'll get straight A's. I'll do anything. Please come back. I need you. Please... Please Ellie Nash. Please save me. I love you!

I fucking love you, kid.

_"I'd scream this song right in your face if you were here.  
Cause then I wont miss a beat cause I never,  
Never have before..."_

It's all my fucking fault, and I won't listen to anyone who says differently. I knew she cut and I knew she was depressed, but did I do anything? This is all on me. Terri's problems are all on me, too. I can't believe she's not here anymore because of me. Well, I guess neither of them are here, meaning Degrassi, although Terri is here, alive here.

I know what it's like now. I know what it's like to just want to scream your sobs to the world and pound on the ground until you start to bleed or the ground finally takes you in. I know! Ashley, it's OK! You can go crazy now, I know! I won't stop you. We all deserve a little bit of crazy.

Dylan comes in my room and asks me to go outside because I'm making too much noise. I don't want to go walk around, or even drive around, so I tell him that we can go on the roof. There's this separate little roof on our house that you can get to by climbing out a window, and Dylan and I always talk there. He takes me out there tonight, and I break down again. It is easier than the rape, because everyone knows. Dylan can just hold me and comfort me and tell me that someday, I'll be able to think about her without totally freaking out, and maybe even smile because of the good times.

He doesn't know. There were no good times. The only time we talked was when I was checking up on her, which would drive a person to insanity, now that I take time to think about it. I screwed up. I can't believe how badly I, Paige Michalchuk, screwed up. I screwed up so badly that someone is dead because of me. Wherever she is, she has to know I want her to come back to us.

Dylan's finally getting me to calm down. Everything's still blurry, but the lights are beckoning me to a new beginning, for Ellie's sake. I don't know if I'll ever be able to be there for Ashley, or if Dylan can be there for Marco, but he is so good at being there for me that I know he can be of service.

It's all going to be okay. My heart's on fire, but someday, somehow, I'll come to peace with the life and death of Ellie Nash.

_"From up here the city lights burn,  
Like a thousand miles of fire.  
And I'm here to sing this anthem of our dying day..."_

The entire school has gone off their rockers. So Ellie Nash died? So what? Just another statistic. All anyone's been doing is crying and grieving and STOP IT! I'm so tired of it already. Your crying won't make her come back. In fact, if it was possible(it's not, of course, but oh well) then she wouldn't come back to all this misery. Even if it is over her. Ugh. This whole thing has gotten out of hand.

I know this much from a devout Catholic background(I screwed that up pretty bad), Noah had an arc because God flooded the world. Dear God, I'm not asking for the world. Only for Degrassi. Make them realize that life goes on, after Ellie Nash. Thank You, Manuella Santos.

_"For a second I wish the tide,  
would swallow every inch of this city,  
As you gasped for air tonight..."_


	5. View From Heaven

**Chapter 5: View From Heaven**

Disclaimer: I disclaim 'View From Heaven' to Yellowcard. I disclaim 'Degrassi' to Canadian television. K, me, the wonderfully awful songwriter, wants to thank Unwritten Law for the song 'Cailin' which inspired 'Craig's Song' in this chapter.

I haven't slept in days. Her funeral's tomorrow, erm, today, in about six hours. I don't know what I'm going to say. Degrassi got excused out of school to be there, so I'm guessing a lot of people will go. A lot of people who will hang on my every word, which will probably be ad libbed. I don't know how you're supposed to condense a friendship and then complete and utter torture at the loss of this friendship into one little speech. I'll never make it.

Maybe I just won't go. I mean, everyone would understand, right? Of course, they'd probably talk. "Marco Del Rossi, I thought they were friends. Why isn't he here?"

There's also the matter of Ashley. I think she needs me there. I mean, I won't get through this without her. And I don't think she can without me, either. Maybe I'm just fooling myself. Maybe no one needs me.

Except Sean.

God, the things your sleep deprived brain thinks of. Sean? Sean Cameron? Why would he need me? The questions, the thoughts... But Sean Cameron does need me. He doesn't have to tell me, we both can feel it.

I'm so tired. I miss Ellie. Everything was clearer when she was here.

_"I'm just so tired,  
Won't you sing me to sleep,  
and fly through my dreams?  
So I can hitch a ride with you tonight."_

I need out of here. You can't understand. I am no good to anyone here. I just keep screwing up and making an ass out of myself. And all I can think about is Marco Del Rossi...

He's gay for chrissakes! He's gay and proud and has a homosexual boyfriend. AND I HELD HIM IN MY ARMS. If Jay ever found out... Let's just say, if Jay ever found out, someone's throat would end up slit.

We have this amazing bond over Ellie being gone. A lot of people could easily mistake that for me being gay. I'm not. At all. In the least. I'm quite the homophobe.

These are just more reasons for me to leave. People might start to talk. That would suck. It's not that I've ever minded people talking about me before, but they've never been saying that.

I mean, hell, they're way off base. I'm not gay.

I just need to get away.

_"And get away from this place,  
have a new name and face.  
I just ain't the same without you in my life."_

I can't believe myself. It's 5 AM, and I haven't gone home yet. I mean, I'm not going to. I told mom I was staying at Paige's. It's not like I'm out smoking or drinking or having sex; I'm just driving. Driving to forget Ellie, and trying to remember her all the same.

I choose not to believe that she is gone for good. She's still here. I see her when I walk towards her locker, but her form vanishes as I near it. I hear her talking when I'm at the Dot, but I turn around and no one's there. Mostly I feel her. I feel her trying to comfort me, but I'm too far past that. I need her back. My lifeline. I never realized how much I depended on her until she was gone.

God I hate this song. Where is Whisper to a Scream? I know it's on this cd somewhere. 5? No. 6? No. 7? Ahh, here it is. Ellie loved this song. We used to play it during our famous sleep overs. "We are, we are, we are but your children, finding our way around indecision. We are, we are, we are ever helpless, take us forever, a whisper to a scream." I'm screaming it a bit too loud now, screaming along with the words to bring her back so she can sing with me.

_"Late night drives,  
All alone in my car.  
I can't help but start,  
Singin' lines from all our favorite songs."_

I miss her a lot. It's not just me. I miss her because if she had never left, Marco and Ashley would be okay. I know Ellie and I weren't too terribly close, but she was definitely an amazing person that I should've been able to spend more time with.

And now I'm lost. I want to make Ashley better single handedly. It's not my place, I mean the girl doesn't even talk to me, but it's what I want. I want to give her something that will make her able to grieve and move on. She deserves at least that much.

I've been working on this song for a few days now. I want to sing it at the funeral; I want to sing it to Ashley. I want her to know I still care, and that I want her to finally be able to move on from all the heartache in her life. Especially that which I inflicted.

(Craig's song)

"Hey little girl with tears brimmin' her eyes

Are you having another bad day now?

Come walk with me, you won't have to worry

No matter what, I'll rid you of that scowl

If you'll just come back

If you'll just come back to us

If you'll just come back

Won't you just come back to us?

I know it's all lookin' cold and grey but

It breaks my heart to have to see you cry

I can't promise that you'll never be lonely

But put your hand in mine and give it a try

We're alone without you

We don't know where to go

What to do, what to say

I'll pick you up from low

If you'll just come back

If you'll just come back to us

If you'll just come back

Won't you just come back to us?"

(end Craig's song)

_"And melodies in the air,  
Singing life just aint fair.  
Sometimes I still just can't believe you're gone."_

I'm trying to stop fidgeting, but I'm just so nervous. Why did I ever agree to do this? Maybe foolish dreams that she would come back if she heard my heartfelt plea in front of everyone. It's so weird being here, in this funeral home, packed to the brim and spilling out because everyone that's anyone is here, and still feeling so lonely. So desperate and alone. Dylan's standing to my right(there wasn't enough chairs for him) and Ash's sitting on my left. These people who mean the world to me can't even shake off their own grief, let alone mine. Why is it so hard to just accept what Ellie wanted? Maybe it's hard because we'd have to accept that what Ellie wanted was to get away from us.

Somewhere in the distance, my name is being called. Ashley puts her hand on my knee and rubs for a few seconds while I take as many deep breaths as I can(some call it hyperventilating). I'm walking past the rows, trying not to make eye contact with her mother in the front row. Bitch. I look up, past the first rows, and make eye contact with Ash. I wrote this speech for her, and she told me just to keep eye contact with her as I read so I wouldn't get overly emotional.

"Ellie Nash," I say placing one hand on the casket behind me. It's not open now, but it was yesterday. They made her look wonderful. Ashley and I got to pick out the clothes since her mom was too busy. I found a remarkable black dress that she had probably only worn once. It was simple and classic, but still very Ellie. "Ellie Nash is my best friend." I had trouble with verb tense here, decided is was a better choice because she will always be my best friend. "She was one of the most down to earth people anyone would ever want to meet. If you were as lucky as I am to be one of her close friends, you know how burdened she was." I took my eyes off of Ashley for the briefest second and fixed them on Mrs. Nash before returning my gaze to Ash. "She would never place these burdens on her friends, instead trying to deal with everything herself. This is why Ellie is no longer with us." Ashley was tearing up, and I felt myself doing the same, so I hurried to end the eulogy. "Ellie Nash, we love you, yesterday, today, and tomorrow." I made my way back to Ashley and Dylan. After Ashley handed me a few tissues and I dried my eyes, I reach for her hand. I feel a bit lighter now that I had done that. I smile up towards the ceiling. I see the ceiling open and the sky shine through. Her face gradually appears, and I smile up to her. She smiles back. She finally feels loved.

_"And I'm sure the view from heaven,  
Beats the hell out of mine here.  
And if we all believe in heaven,  
Maybe we'll make it through one more year,  
Down here."_

Marco's speech was amazing. I wish I could be Ashley right now and be comforting him. However, I don't even think I'm wanted here. I mean, for chrissakes, I'm hiding myself in the back row, hoping no one will stare at me with their heartless eyes. Eyes that tell me to leave. I hurt her. I caused this. No one will forgive me; no one can forgive me. Every whisper in every row is about me. Every sideways glance is mocking me.

"Is that Sean Cameron?"

"Oh, the jackass?"

"Didn't he break her heart?"

"Didn't he steal her soul?"

"Why is he here?"

"He doesn't even miss her."

"I heard he's gay."

Stop it. Stop it. Please stop. Everyone stop torturing me. I didn't mean to break her heart. I didn't mean to, I swear. I'm not gay, either! I just miss Ellie, and so does he... Please! Please everyone stop. "Stop!" I finally cry out loud. The pews in front of me turn around and stare wide-eyed. No one in front of them heard, thank God. I put my head in my hands. The curious spectators turn back around, but JT, who is sitting next to me, shakes my head up.

"What was that about?" he whispers. JT has some kind of agenda, I can tell. He doesn't want me here, either. He knows. He knows everything. His eyes are incriminating me. His hands on my wrist are incarcerating me. My entire body tries to struggle out of his grasp, but I'm too weak. Too emotionally weak. Finally, I stop. "What was that about?" he reiterates. Don't make me admit it.

"I'm just," I start but can't find the words. "I'm just fucked up a little, that's all." He glares at me but slowly releases his grip. By this time, the service is over and people are clearing out. "Sorry," I mumble as I walk straight out the back doors and run, picking up speed and momentum as I do, towards home.

I collapse on the tracks. I lay there for a long time. It could very well be hours. Even though it's summer, it's still cold since the sun is setting. Maybe it's not cold at all. Maybe I just feel cold. I feel like I'm going through withdrawl. Well, I am, really. I'm going through withdrawl of Ellie. The fact that I'll never be able to touch her, or talk to her, or kiss her...

Suddenly, a wave of warmth floods my body. I feel at peace about Ellie, almost as if she just forgave me. "Thank, thank you," I choke out. "I just miss you, so much." A warm breeze surrounds me. I finally get back the strength to stand up. I finish walking home and collapse onto my bed. Within minutes, I'm asleep.

_"Feel your fire,  
When it's cold in my heart.  
And things that sorta start,  
Reminding me of my last night with you."_

I finally let JT hold me at the cemetary. There aren't too many people here. JT and I, Marco and Dylan, Paige(minus Spinner, "he's not too good with funerals"), Jimmy and Hazel, Emma and Toby(although they aren't Emma-and-Toby, they came together), Craig(with no Manny, thank God), and Ellie's mom and an aunt. They put her casket in the ground, and we all pick up hand fulls of dirt and toss it on top.

That was hours ago, and I'm still here. It's only JT, Craig, Marco, Paige, and I now. Craig has some song or something he wants to sing, so we wanted to wait until it was just us until he played. He starts strumming on his guitar, and the second his mouth open to sing, I realize who the song's really for. Yes, the general subject is Ellie. But he stares into my eyes and some of the words were only meant for me to understand. Tears finally start to well up in my eyes, and for the first time today, I don't brush them away. I let them fall, and this opens the flood gates.

By the end of the song, I'm totally bawling, and JT has to hold me forcefully in his arms to stop me from shaking. Paige is crying, too, and Craig and JT have tears silently running down their cheeks. Marco is the only other one sobbing with me. At some point, I break away from JT and crawl over to Marco, and we hold each other.

Everyone else is ready to leave, so Marco and I force ourselves off the ground and follow them. Since I'm supposed to be driving myself, JT, Marco, and Paige(Dylan took off with the mini-van), I compose myself on the way to the car. I drop off Paige and JT, but Marco's not ready to go home yet, and neither am I.

I call home from my cell, crying again, and Kate hesitantly agrees to let me stay with Paige again. Marco does the same to his parents, but he's staying with Craig. I drive us back to the cemetery and grab a bunch of blankets I have in the back of my car.

We sit next to her grave again, laying on blankets. I tell him I would jump off my roof if I thought it would let me fly, so I could fly up to her. He tells me that if maybe he had called her that day, he might be able to talk her into letting him come, so they could do it together. "She needed to go. It's hard for us to understand, but she did. I don't think I could ever convince her to stay, but I might be able to convince her to let me go with her." This makes us both start crying again, and we hold on to each other.

Another few hours of talking goes by before either one of us lays down. We share blankets and lay next to each other, thinking somehow the warmth of each other's bodies might be comforting. When I wake up, it is daybreak and Marco's not next to me.

_"I only need one more day,  
Just one more chance to say,_  
'_I wish that I had gone up with you too.'"_

I wake up and Ashley is still sleeping like a baby, so I came over to her grave to sit. I stare at the freshly packed dirt, thinking that if I dug her grave out, she would wake up and thank me for saving her life. A lone tear trickles down my face at this thought. I couldn't save her. I tried so hard for so long, but I didn't understand, and I couldn't save her.

It's not fair! I never got to say goodbye! The funeral's supposed to be our last goodbye. It was peaceful and everything, but I want to say goodbye to her while she's here. I want to be with her, wherever she is. She's so selfish! How could she leave without taking me with her? That's all I want. A chance to go with her.

I would do anything if she would give me five minutes to say goodbye. Why didn't she call? Not even one of those scary, "Marco, I love you, goodbye" calls. To say goodbye back would make me feel so much lighter right now. Everything is burdening me. Ashley helps so much, but even then, we know each other is hurting, and there is no way for us to save the other.

It is Ellie's fault. She never gave us a chance. We could've helped her. We could've saved her. But she didn't want to be saved. She didn't want us to intervene. She wouldn't tell us a thing. Now, it makes me feel like a fool to have talked her ear off about Dylan when she was hurting so badly. She had no one to talk my ear off about. I thought, ya know, after Sean, that she didn't want anyone. How wrong I was.

Hearing the crunching sound of leaves behind me, I turn around and see Ashley. It's still pretty early. I know that if I wasn't with her, I wouldn't have gotten any sleep. It still isn't enough, although my mind refuses to stop grieving, even for the necessity of sleep. She looks restless, and I realize that cemetery's tend to do that to people, even me. I stand up. "Hungry?" I ask.

"I could eat," she answers.

"My treat."

"Then I can certainly eat," she says smiling.

_"You won't be coming back,  
And I didn't get to say goodbye.  
I really wish I got to say goodbye."_

After waking up to pangs of hunger, I make my way to the kitchen and find the last person I ever expect to be sitting at the breakfast table. "Hey little sis," I say, ruffling her hair as she stares at the back of a cereal box. "Why aren't you eating?"

"Don't feel like cereal," she answers flippantly. "I want some real food, but mom left early."

She's right, I feel like real food, too. "We haven't had breakfast at the Dot in awhile," I say, hinting at an idea.

"Thank God you said something before I had to tie you to the roof," she says and grabs the keys off the table. I pat my back pocket to make sure my wallet's there(it is), and we head out. It takes about three minutes to get there from our house; we used to walk there every Saturday morning instead of watching lame cartoons like all the other kids.

She finds us a table towards the middle and already my stomach's growling from the smell of all the food. I off-handedly order the usual, but Paige must look through the entire menu, and this takes her about five minutes. I look around the almost completely deserted restaurant. Too early for most people. However, the bell rings and Ashley comes in with Marco in tow. I wave them over happily, since our table could fit about six comfortably. "You guys look terrible," my sister comments cheerfully.

"Um, thanks Paige," Ashley answers giving her a sarcastic stare.

"No offense or anything. You just look like you haven't slept in days," she says, trying to compensate for her bitchy morning attitude.

"We haven't," they say, almost in unison. We all crack a smile. I'm glad Marco's out and doing something. This has been so tough on him, and he won't let me in to help him grieve. Only Ashley. Which, I have no problems with her at all, but I wish he would let me be the one.

There's the waitress, thank God. I'm so hungry. And there's no one in here, so it's not like the cooks have too many orders to make. Paige and I dive in, it's the Michalchuk gene to eat these huge meals. Ashley and Marco just push their's around on the plate. "Something wrong?" I ask with a mouth full of scrambled eggs.

"Not hungry," he says, flashing me a smile. The smile that melts my heart. I decide to drop it. He'll get better eventually. And so will Ashley. Hopefully.

_"And I'm sure the view from heaven,  
Beats the hell out of mine here.  
And if we all believe in heaven,  
Maybe we'll make it through one more year."_

I stand up after having literally rolled off my bed a few minutes ago. I lay there for awhile before I get the strength to check the clock. 8:30. Great. I'm going to be late for school.

I walk into the living room and grab my book bag off the floor. Tracker's friend is asleep on the couch. "Morning!" I call waking everyone in the house up. Damn Tracker for not waking me up last night. I must've slept for 16 hours! And I bet I wouldn't have woken up until tomorrow if not for falling off the bed. I hear the friend roll over and dramatically place a pillow over his head to block out my voice. I decide to skip breakfast and just head straight for school.

Things at Degrassi aren't working out for me either. Not until I see Marco. I walk past him and whisper "Come to the roof," in a way that my lips hardly move. I keep walking and only in a deserted hallway do I turn around.

He comes, but it takes him a minute. "I can't," he says. "Sorry. I just really need to be in class right now."

"Oh," I say, trying to mask the disappointment in my voice. "Well, that's cool. I'm gonna go anyway. So, um, bye." I turn around and keep walking down the hall, hoping he'll follow me. But upon glancing back one last time, I see that he's gone.

I make my way to the roof and sit next to the colored rocks. They're still there. "God, El, everything's fucked itself up, hasn't it? You think I love him too, don't you? Well, no Ellie, I don't. I'm not going to turn out like he did. I'm better than that." I stop myself. I'm really, really not gay. She knows this. Why am I trying to convince her? "What should I do, El? I miss you. I loved you. I love you. I want to be with you, but you're not here. I can't just move on. If someone takes that for me being gay, then they're more fucked up than I am." I'm done talking to Ellie. I just want to sleep. I look around, and realizing I'm alone, I rest my head on the wall and drift off to sleep.

_"I hope that all is well in heaven,  
Cause it's all shot to hell down here.  
I hope that I find you in heaven,  
Cause I'm so,  
Lost without you down here."_

I feel awful. I tried to be her friend after Sean went psycho on her and cut her with a broken beer bottle. What he had done to me was much less intense, but it still hurt like hell. Mine was just emotional pain, though.

I figured she could use a friend, if nothing else. I reached out, right? She ignored me for the most part like I had the plague. I don't blame her. When I broke up with him, I didn't want anything reminding me of him in my life, either. So, we kept our distance. I knew she would come around with time.

How wrong I was. Maybe I should've made her listen. I should've pushed my way into her life. Now she's gone, and I'll never have the chance.

If I had gotten one more chance, I would've been the one to save her. Everyone else was too involved in their own problems to even notice her. Poor Ellie Nash. Poor, poor girl. I was here for you. I'm sorry you couldn't see it.

Emma Nelson, environmental crusader, now starts a new crusade: making friends with everyone.

_"You won't be coming back,  
And I didn't get to say goodbye.  
I really wish I got to say goodbye…"_


	6. Lovers & Liars

**This Brilliant Dance**

**Chapter 6: Lovers & Liars**

The disclaim starts here: 'Lovers & Liars' was recorded by Matchbook Romance. Degrassi was recorded by CTV people. Anyways, are disclaimers even necessary for fan fiction? Hmm. Well, you know I own nothing.

It's been months, but I can't forget. I'll never forget. So much has happened, but it all seems so petty. Marco and Dylan are this official couple, no big surprise there. Paige, for the most part, has totally forgotten Ellie existed. Emma's on this new crusade to befriend every person in Degrassi, including Sean Cameron, but that one's not going too well. Toby helped Liberty out of a bad break-up, and now they're dating. So, I guess, for the most part, no one's too alone.

J.T. and I are 10 months tomorrow. Wow. It doesn't seem like that long. I'm so impressed by his determination to keep me after everything I've been through. In the past ten months, I've taken him deep into the world of depression and angst, but I've also helped him grow as a man, in fact it was I who turned him into a man. J.T. is so comfortable and amazing when it comes to accepting me for who I am, no matter what that is.

But today's not about J.T. It's about another grade 10 who I'm quite worried about. As I make my way through fields and over railroad tracks(yes, I abandoned my car to walk), I am reminded of a turbulent past with the same person who I'm going to see. We tried to work ourselves out, twice, but neither time did it really work. Ever since then, I haven't seen or spoken to him much. But I watch him, knowing that someone needs too, someone other than Emma. I find myself at his door once again, and tentatively hold my fist up to the door to knock. I pull it back, about to bring it down, when the door opens. "Ashley!" he screams.

"Hey, Sean," I say shyly. He doesn't want me here. Why did I come? He doesn't want me to save him.

"What in the world? Well, come in. It's not much, but, wow! I never imagined in a hundred years you would be at my door."

I look around the house. It has a horrible stench. After Tracker moved out, I noticed Sean slipping deep into his own world. I would always hear Jay and Towerz talking about these major bashes Cameron had had the night before. I just shook my head, hoping to make the guilty thoughts leave. Luckily, he pulled himself out of that just in time to keep his student welfare. He moved a few articles of stray clothing off the couch so I could have somewhere to sit. "Do you want anything to drink?" He asks.

"Water's fine," I answer. He brings in two glasses of clear liquid, and I foolishly assume both are water. After watching him take a few sips of his, the smell of vodka and the expression on his face gives him away. "Do you mind, not doing that right now?"

"Oh," he says looking down at the glass. "Yea, sure." He goes back into the kitchen and comes back with another glass. Looking at me and nodding, he takes a gulp to let me know it's water. I'm relieved. "So, what brings you to my humble abode?"

"Just wanted to talk," I say and stand up. I walk around his 'humble abode,' fingering furniture and little trinkets, most of them broken, finally making my way over to the couch Sean's on. I sit uncomfortably close to him, but neither of us mind. "Truth is, Sean, I want us to forget about our past. I want to start over. And I want you to talk to me. I know you're having a hard time; all of us are. But we need each other. You can't cope by drinking and partying more. I can help you. I could even live here to help you get back on your feet."

He suddenly draws back. "You, want to live here?" he questions.

Bad idea, Ash. Red flags. No. Just say no. It was a stupid idea. "Yes," I answer. DAMNIT! Why did you say that?

I see his chest move with each breath. He scratches his head, probably feeling lost without his trademark beanie. "Aren't you dating J.T.?" he finally asks.

"I'm not moving in to sleep with you!" I answer immediately. "Sean," I say, touching his arm with only the slightest pressure, "I want to help you."

Out of nowhere, our lips touch. I'm pretty sure he started the kiss, but I don't care enough to stop him. I felt my body give in to him. Even after everything J.T. and I had done, he had never made love to me. We had sex, sure, but we didn't make love. There was not that other layer of wanting to die in that person's arms. When Sean made love to me, I felt whole.

Is this who I'm supposed to be with?

_"Let's start out by starting over.  
What did I expect?  
You're no good at lying and I'm no good at comebacks."_

I had sex with Ashley Kerwin. I don't even want to think about the repercussions of this one. There's always been this thing between us, but I never thought it would escalate to...that. So, I guess all these feelings I've been having for Marco are nothing real, right? I made love to Ashley. I felt happy and complete when I was with her. I know that I am attracted to girls. I enjoy being with women.

But, then again, I am attracted to Marco. Damnit! Stop thinking that! I am not! Ashley's still here. If she wakes up, she'll know something's wrong. She'll know. I need to get out of here. I make my way out very quietly, and her eyes barely twitch. Once my feet hit the ground outside, I sprint. I don't know where I'm running. I just need to get away from her, or she'll find out. She'll find out and tell Marco, and they'll both judge me. I need somewhere to go.

I don't know how, but I end up on his doorstep. I need to walk away. I need to get away from Marco. But my arm has a different plan, and I start knocking on his door. Every part of me is screaming to get away, but I stay planted there, waiting for the door to open. I hear voices. Someone's home.

He opens the door. He's wearing boxers and an old T-shirt. "Sean," he says, ushering me inside. I don't even realize it was raining until I start dripping onto his tile. "Stay right there," he orders and runs upstairs. I don't know what he's doing. I need him with me. He comes back down a minute later, armed with towels. He opens one up and bear hugs me with it. I close my eyes. What is wrong with me?

"Who were you talking to?" is the only question I can think to mutter.

"Oh, um, Dylan's here," he says, ashamed. I don't know if he's ashamed because he's homosexual and he has to admit to me, an out-spoken homophobe, that he's with another man. But, he could know. He could be ashamed because he knows I love him. Dylan's here. I can't talk. Dylan will hear. I have to get out and take Marco with me.

I try to think of any excuse to get him away from Dylan. Nothing pops to mind. Finally, I think of the only thing that he'll care about, even if it means hurting Ashley. "I just had sex," I say, but I'm not smiling. "I had sex with Ashley."

Marco's eyes get as big as moons. "Dylan!" he calls. "Dylan! Sean and I are going to have a talk, so you need to leave!"

I finally see Dylan as he gracefully descends the stairs. I stare at him until he reaches the bottom. He sees the looks on our faces. "That bad, huh?" he asks. Marco gives a half-smile. "OK, well you two talk, I'll head back home." He gives Marco one last kiss before he leaves, and it makes me want to cut his lips off with a chainsaw. "Bye."

Once he leaves, Marco gives an awkward smile to me. "We can talk upstairs," he offers. Without waiting for a response, he starts up the stairs and I follow. He sits on his bed and offers me a chair. I sit even though I don't feel like it. I feel like walking, far away from him.

"I didn't come here to talk about Ashley," I admit.

"Oh," he says. He doesn't have any idea what I mean. I must be crazy. "Well, what's up?"

"This," I mumble as I close the gap between us. He searches my face, and this drives me insane. I press my lips against him, and all the passion I've felt for him since that day on the roof is released. I part his lips with my tongue, forcing my tongue in his mouth to stop the words from coming out. He lets out a small moan, so I become even more forceful, climbing on top of him. It's the same feeling as when I did it to Ashley. I love being in control, but this is so wrong. Finally, he gets the strength to push me away. I fall on my back, not because of his push, but because I'm too ashamed in myself to look up at him.

"Sean," he starts, leaning over the side of the bed so he can look at me.

I stand up, not wanting to hear his speech. "Marco, I'm not gay," I inform him. "I just, might be bisexual." He nods slowly in agreement and reaches for my hand. I let him grab it.

"You have to tell Ashley," he finally says. "She can't break up with J.T. for someone as confused as you. Go find her." I nod slowly; he's right. I turn and walk slowly out of his house. When I get outside, the rain has stopped, but it's now dark. I wrap my jacket around me trying to keep the wind from penetrating my skin.

_"You're so untouchable.  
I'm oh-so-terrible at this.  
I'm terrible at this, you know."_

My body slowly drifts back into the realm of consciousness as I hear a door slam. I roll over slowly, but Sean's not next to me. I start to worry. Where is he? Did he leave? Why would he leave? I start to stand up, but I see Sean standing in the doorway. "I figured you'd be hungry," he says. "I brought pizza." I smile. I am hungry.

We sit across from each other in the kitchen. It's eerily quiet. He opens a beer. After seeing my face, he tilts it towards me in offering, but I shake my head no. "I wish you wouldn't do that," I say.

He shrugs. "We have to talk." I cock my head up towards him and slowly nod. "I didn't just get pizza. I went, I went to someone's house." Damnit. I cheated on J.T. for him, but he's banging some other chick? It's Sean Cameron; I should've known.

"Whose?" I manage after a minute.

"Please don't get mad," he asks. I sigh. It's not my place to be mad. After all, I'm supposed to be with J.T. I nod. "I was with Marco. Ashley, I'm sorry."

I stare at him. He went to see a friend, so what? Oh, wait a minute. He wasn't with another girl. "Sean, but you just... You're not gay."

He ran his hand through his wet hair. Has it been raining? "I'm so confused. I know you're only trying to help. What I did with you, I wanted to do." He puts his hand over his forehead, and it partially drapes his eyes. "Ashley, I like you. I want to be with you. But you need to be with J.T. He's good for you. And Marco needs to be with Dylan. And I don't know if I want to be with a girl or a boy, or both, or neither, at the same time. Maybe a hermaphrodite." He laughs, but I can't, even though I try.

Sean Cameron, I love you. I could never speak the words to you, but I do and I don't want you to be with Marco or Ellie or anyone else. I want to wrap you in my arms and call you mine. But you weren't there. You weren't there when I was sure I would fall into the sullen pit of depression. You weren't there when J.T. was. You didn't hold me at the cemetery; you didn't even GO to the cemetery! I want to slap you. I can't. I can't because you're so lost, just like a stray. I want to make your home, and I want you to want me to make your home. But you just stare at me, and you're still laughing. Why?

I'm clenching my teeth, but you're still laughing. Mocking me. I can't take it anymore. Who are you to laugh at me like you do? "What did he do?" I finally scream. "Did he suck you off? Did you do it to him? I could've done it to you, Sean!" I have no idea why I'm so mad. I'm mad because you were laughing at me. I start walking out the door, and then I start to run. I started to run, but I fell in the wet grass.

Sean followed me out. "I'm sorry Ashley," he cries. But sorry isn't good enough. I'm too weak to run back home, so I just curl into the fetal position and shake with sobs. He comes up to me, looking over me with those sympathetic eyes. He puts his arms under me, to shelter me from the cold ground. But soon, I'm lifted, and even sooner, I'm put on a bed. Even though I slept most of the day, I still crave more sleep. Before I reach total unconsciousness, I hear a voice whispering over and over, "I'm so sorry."

"_Don't hold this against me.  
I've already said I'm sorry.  
Tell all your friends about me.  
Don't hold this against me.  
I've already said I'm sorry."_

The phone's ringing. Answer it, Joey. Answer it, someone. My mind slowly begins to focus. It's late. The phone shouldn't be ringing. I glance at the clock. It's 1 A.M. The phone shouldn't be ringing. I click it on. "Hello?" I manage.

"Craig?" the voice asks.

"Yea," I answer.

"This is Kate Isaacs, Ashley's mother."

"Oh, hello, Mrs. Isaacs," I answer. I'm so confused. It's so early.

"Ashley wouldn't happen to be with you, is she?"

"Nope. I haven't seen her in a few weeks," I answer truthfully. "Is Ash missing?"

"She didn't come home tonight. Her curfew is midnight. She didn't get in, so I called her cell, but she didn't answer. Her car is here, so I don't know where she might be."

"Did you try J.T.?" I ask, but I immediately want to take it back. J.T. is her boyfriend, of course she tried there! Are you insane? You are nothing to Ashley Kerwin or Kate Isaacs. You are a last ditch effort.

"Yes, I called him awhile ago. Well, if you hear anything, Craig, please give me a call. Or, if you see her, tell her to come home."

"Of course, Mrs. Isaacs. Good-bye."

I click the phone off, and the thoughts begin racing. Is Ashley OK? Where is she? What is she doing? I decide to stand up and change, but before I get a chance, the phone rings again. "Hello," I say before the second ring.

"Craig!" It's Marco. He sounds upset.

"You have to go get Ashley. She's at Sean's. He's not answering the phone, and I'm not allowed out. Please, go."

"How, why is she there?" I ask.

"Please, don't ask questions, just go," Marco answers. Before I get a chance to refute him, he hangs up.

I drag my body up and throw on pants but leave my old, plain, white T on. I bury my feet in a pair of sandals. I walk out into the hallway, where I stop and listen. Breathing and snoring. Joey and Angela are still asleep. The phone didn't bother them like it did me. I make my way downstairs and grab a pair of keys off the front table. I walk out the door, slowly shutting it behind me.

Sean's house doesn't look different at all. It has a different feeling, though. I don't know what made me pull apart from Sean, whom I had confided in after my dad and... This isn't about us. I jump out of the car and run inside. I expect them to be entwined in bed. I run into Sean's room, and he's alone. Was Marco wrong? I back out of his room, being careful not to wake him. I smell the stench of vodka radiating from his bed, but I can't care. There's only one other place she could be. I let the door to his brother's room open slowly, and there's someone asleep on his bed. I creep over to it, and it's Ashley. I breathe an audible sigh of relief.

She turns over but doesn't wake up. I'm scared to wake her. I put one arm under her and use the other to hoist her up. She feels like dead weight in my arms, but I know she's not. I make my way out to the car and barely manage to get the door open with the part of my hand still free. Finally, I get her laying down across the backseat. I walk back in and grab her bag, realizing she'll probably need it. Rummaging through it(I'm sorry Ash), I notice her cell phone. I turn it on, no wonder she didn't answer. I dial the number I memorized over a year ago. Her mom answers. "Ashley!" her mom cries. Caller ID, remember hot stuff?

"No, Kate, it's Craig."

"Craig, hi," her voice falls flat, almost to painful, realizing I've found her bag, but...

"I'm with Ashley, but she's asleep. I'm bringing her home now. I'll be there soon."

"Oh, oh thank you!" she cries joyously. I smile to myself and hang up.

I turn on the engine and set the heater on high. I ignore it blasting on my face as I pull out of the Cameron residence. "What do you think you're doing?" I hear Ashley say from the backseat.

"Driving you home. Your mom was worried."

"She knew where I was," she lies.

"Ash, I got a wake-up call at 1 A.M. from her desperately trying to find you. I got another call less than five minutes later from Marco telling me to go get you. Take it up with them if you have a problem."

"It shouldn't be you. Marco should've gotten me, or Dylan, or Jimmy, or Spinner, or J.T., or ANYONE other than you."

"Ashley, I'm sorry, but I..."

She cuts me off. "I've heard your apology so many times I can recite it by heart."

"Does it make you happy to feel so bitter?"

"Does it make you happy to cheat on your girlfriends?"

"And what were you doing with Sean?" I ask, not caring if she even was doing anything with Sean.

"Nothing, not that it's any of your God forsaken business."

The rest of the ride is silent, but upon parking, I realize it's because she fell asleep again. Instead of carrying her, I shake her awake. I want her to face her mom. I want her to be punished. Actually, I don't. I want to take her away with me, but she would protest. I don't want her waking up again in my arms.

She grabs her bag. "Thanks for the ride," she sneers.

"Ash, I told you I'm sorry, I did everything, can't you just..."

She cuts me off again. "Forgive you? Nice try, Craig." With that, she storms into her house, and I reluctantly drive away, again.

"_Don't hold this against me.  
I've already said I'm sorry.  
And I bet you've got every word I said memorized in your head.  
And you'll use every one of them against me."_

God, why did he have to pick me up? Goddamnit, big thanks to you, Marco. First, you make out with a guy I just slept with, and then you call my estranged ex to come get me. Lots of good choices you made. I don't even think I hate Craig all that much. I just needed something to vent it all out on. And, there he was.

Mom snaps open the door before I reach the first step. She runs down and bear hugs me. She then leads me inside to a little pre-dawn party of Jeff, Toby, and J.T.? Oh, I don't want to deal with him. Not now. He's the first to come over and just starts french kissing me in front of my parents. I push him off, but not because they're watching. "I was just, I was scared I'd never be able to do that again," he mumbles. I don't want to tell him anything, so I just let my body melt into his arms. He's so safe. He'll keep me safe from the Kate and Jeff monsters.

Toby walks upstairs, only staying up to see me come home, not wanting to see my lecture. God, I already have a headache. Is a lecture necessary? "J.T., you can go home now," Jeff says sternly. I grimace in his arms. "Happy anniversary," he whispers as he squeezes me again and reluctantly leaves.

I take my seat on the couch and wait for them to start. "Ashley, I know this has been a difficult time for you, with the loss of Ellie and everything. However, you can't do this. Ever since her death, you've been lying to us and staying out all night, and I've let it slide. But I can't anymore. For all we know, you could've been alone tonight. Someone could've gotten you, my baby," Kate starts with the compassion as she brushes some hair out of my face.

"Mom, I was at Sean's. We talked about Ellie. It got late, and I fell asleep on his couch with the phone turned off. That's it. There wasn't a need to call in the National Guard."

"Ashley, you scared your mother and I," Jeff starts.

"JEFF, don't even! You're not my father; you don't even care. I don't want to hear your little speech just so you can impress my mom. Don't bother," I say with my voice raised.

"Jeff, you know what, Ashley and I need to have a talk. Alone," Mom says, ushering him out. "Ashley, I don't even want to know what you were doing at that boy's house. All I know is that if Craig hadn't found you..."

"Craig! Craig didn't find me, mother. Craig abducted me. I was asleep, and he came in and picked me up, and so I wake up in some car that I've never been in before! Is that what you want?"

"Yes, Ashley. I want someone to take responsibility for you."

"You don't get it."

"I don't get that you're doing these insane things, making us worry ourselves crazy, and you act like it's no big thing! Well, Ashley Kerwin, it is a big thing to me, and to Jeff, and to Toby, and apparently to J.T. and Craig!" she's screaming now. Keep screaming, mother. Keep it going. You're only feeding my rage. "And after all Jeff has done for you and this family, don't you dare ever have an attitude like that with him again! If I had half a brain, I would slap some sense into you like my mother did to me. But, no, I won't. I'm not like her."

"Oh, should I pat you on the back? Great job. You know what, I'm going to sleep. I'm tired." I push my way past her and up the stairs. The thing is, I'm not tired at all. I just want to be with Sean.

_"I hope you choke on every word,  
You spoke when you were screaming at me.  
And realize how many times I've tried,  
But that's wishful thinking."_

Insane. My girlfriend has gone completely bonkers. After making my way out of their house, I found myself staring at Craig Manning. What's he doing here? "Craig!" I call out. He's pretty dazed.

"Yorke," he says, looking at me oddly. "Hey."

"Hey," I answer. Things have never been great between Craig and I. Well, to say the least. We both have the same taste in women, though. That's our only link, but the thing that had to drive us apart. "So, um, why are you here?"

"I dropped Ash off," he answers. Craig and Ash? My face distorts a little. OK, a lot. "No, I mean, Marco called, and said she was with him, but he couldn't leave and she was asleep so she wouldn't walk, and he was afraid to call her house, so I picked her up." Oh, Marco. Yea, that's cool. Totally not believable, he's sweating like a penguin in a microwave in the Sahara, but whatever. Ash wouldn't cheat on me.

"I see," I say, giving him the eye. He laughs nervously. Damn Craig, what's up with you? "I'm just glad she's back."

"Yea. Hey, well," he eyes my skateboard, "need a ride?"

"Actually," I say looking around, as though another car might appear out of thin air, "sure."

He drives the couple minutes to my house. I go to get out of the car when he stops me. "Listen, J.T., I lied. Marco did call, and I did pick up Ash..." he trails off.

"But...?" I ask.

"But she was at Sean's."

"Sean Cameron?" I ask.

"Yea," he answers.

"Oh. Well, were they together?"

"No. They were sleeping in two different beds. That's why it's crazy that I lied about it. Nothing was going on. I don't know why I didn't tell you."

"O.K. Craig," I say. I get out of the car. "Thanks for the ride."

Well, I thought Ash was different. But I guess she's just like Manny and Craig and every other horny kid at Degrassi.

_"All I want is an apology for what you did and how you treated me.  
Get me far away, or at least as far as this car will take me.  
Tell all your friends about me."_


	7. SemiCharmed Life

**This Brilliant Dance**

Disclaim Bee: All rights of 'Semi-Charmed Life' go to Third Eye Blind. All rights of Degrassi go to CTV.

A/N: Honestly, after last chapter when I just had Ash go off on Sean almost out of nowhere (unless you're like me and noticed Ash was having a mini-nervous breakdown in Sean's kitchen) I had to use this song. It's very, um, provactive for being a song that everyone has heard like 8,000 times. If you ever really listen or learn the lyrics, you'll be shocked. But, hey, THE LYRICS ARE IN THE CHAPTER!! WOO!! This is the one song I would like everyone reading this chapter to listen to either now or at the end of the chapter or something. I 3 it.

**Chapter 7: Semi-Charmed Life**

I don't want to do this. It feels like walking the plank. I don't want to face her. She is my first love, and I might be dealing with my first heartbreak. Walking, not boarding, this is what I'm resorting to. For her. Does she realize I would do anything for her? Such loveliness she beholds, such mystery and such grace.

This whole day seems like a dream. Not in the sense that it is perfect. Rather, it seems like I'm not truly living it, just watching as the character of me goes through all these actions that he has to. You find out your girlfriend fell asleep at the house of an ex-fling, so what are you supposed to do? This.

The character of JT raises his hand to the Isaacs residence door and knocks. The character of Toby Isaacs answers the door. The character of Toby Isaacs ignores you, as per usual, and your character makes his way to the door of the character of Ashley Kerwin. You don't knock, it's not in your character's genes, you just walk in.

The character of Ashley Kerwin is writing in what looks like a journal. Your character, like a lovesick puppy, wants to read the journal, but has been told many times by the character of Ashley that if you ever did attempt to read the journal, you might wake up without testicles. You never attempt it.

The character of Ashley smiles and pulls you on top of her. Your character, as horny and un-sexed as he is, stops. To talk. Because the character of JT is a real big pussy. "Where were you last night?" the character of JT asks.

She looks down, ashamed. If she lies, it's over. You walk out and never look back. "Sean's," the character of Ashley mumbles. Nice answer, Ashley Kerwin. Now just keep telling the truth and we'll make it out of here alive. "I went over because I was feeling these pangs over Ellie again, like the first couple days when she died. Marco was with Dylan, and everyone knows how Sean needs help. I went over because I thought we could talk and make sense of things. I want him to cope in ways that don't involve alcohol." I look deep into her eyes, penetrating her soul. She stares back, unfaltering. She's not lying. I can't believe I would even imagine she would do such a thing. I don't feel like a character anymore. I feel like myself, for the first time in awhile. I feel like JT Yorke.

I hug her and whisper in her ear how much I love her and that I'll never ever again think that she could do that to me. To us. I get out a small circle of colored string that was once Emma's bracelet. When we were 5 years old, our mothers would get us together for play dates, and we thought we were going to get married. I gave her the bracelet one day, totally forgetting about it until the beginning of grade 7 when she gave it back and we had a laugh about it. It fit perfectly around Ashley's ring finger twice. "I know we're too young to get married or even think about it, but I wanted to give you something. Something like a promise ring. When we're older, I want to be able to give you something better, but I want you to know right now that you're the only person I want to spend the rest of my life with."

She smiles and wraps her arms around me. "That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever told me. Of course. I love you." We make love again, and this time, it's like the connection of two souls into one body.

_"I'm packed and I'm holding,  
I'm smiling, she's living, she's golden and  
she lives for me, She says she lives for me,  
Ovation, what a motivation"_

I woke up, and she wasn't here. I ate breakfast, and she never came. After everything I put her through, I don't blame her. I want her. I want to hold her in my arms and tell her yesterday was a joke. I don't like other men. I like her. I want her. I want to be with her. I want her to live here.

So, all of my ESP and willing her to come finally paid off. It was early evening, I hadn't done a thing all day(it's Saturday), and she comes in right when Wheel of Fortune's starting. She sits on the other couch, and we stare for awhile, before she starts talking. "I understand that you're confused..."

"Ashley," I mumble. This is harder than I thought. "Even if I am, what I said yesterday, I don't want to be with a man right now. I really just want to be with you. But, I don't want you to ruin this great thing you have with JT. So, I'm just, not going to do anything. I'm not going to stop you from doing whatever you want. The ball's in your court."

She doesn't say anything, just grabs my hand. We go into Tracker's bedroom, now a guest room, both of us fully aware that mine needs cleaned in the worst way. She pushes me onto the bed. "This," she says while unzipping my pants, "can be our little secret."

_"She comes round and she goes down on me,  
And I make her smile, It's like a drug for you.  
Do ever what you want to do,  
Coming over you."_

"ASHLEY KERWIN!" I scream at him, starting to hit his shoulder but not hurting him at all. "You were with Ashley Kerwin last night?"

"Manny, calm down," he says. "I'm not going to even sit here and explain to you why I was with her last night if you don't calm down."

I run my hand through my hair dramatically and take a seat on his couch, still fuming. "Why, Craig Manning? And you better have a damned good reason."

"First, I get a wake-up call at one in the morning from Kate, her mother, telling me that Ashley has gone missing. This doesn't even get me out of bed because I haven't seen her in weeks. Then, I get a call from Marco telling me she's at Sean's and that I have to go get her because no one's answering the phone, and he can't leave. So, I went. I find her, take her out to my car, and then I get my ear chewed off for even being in her presence. I drop her off, and go back home. Oh, well I rode JT home. Now, if you want to yell about that, go right ahead."

I sigh deeply. The thing is, Ashley hates him so much, he probably is telling the truth. "How did Marco know anyway?"

"I don't know, they're all friends, y'know. He could've just known, I guess."

"Well, I'm sorry for flying off the handle. It's just hard for me to trust you." I immediately hate myself for saying that. This is going to whip him into some sort of frenzy.

"I know," he mumbles. That's it? Where's the Craig Manning we all know and hate? Well, everyone else at least. He's so misunderstood. If everyone could see what I see in Craig, there wouldn't be a single soul who hated him. "I love you."

"I love you too, Craig," I say. Every time we say it, I remember how many times I would say it to a "thank you" response. I guess I'm blessed. Not everyone has the perfect man, masked in this world of doom and gloom. He pushes himself on top of me(he seems to find this position romantic), and I let him. I've stopped feeling anything during these times. I stare at the characters on the TV screen, wondering how much luckier they are to have sex because it means something.

When he's done, I get up to leave. "You're a faker," he says.

"Excuse me?" I say, whipping myself around.

"Am I that bad? I don't think you've once had an orgasm with me."

"That's not true!" I cry. First, he finds out the sex sucks. Then, he'll find out our relationship sucks. That's the way these things go. "I always do!"

"Manny, please tell me what I can do."

"Craig, nothing."

"Joey and Caitlin bought this book..." he trails off.

"What kind of book?"

"Kama sutra," he answers.

"Eww! I don't think we need to know about Joey and Caitlin's sex life!" I joke with him. I'm in his arms again on the couch.

"Well, do you want to try it? I can get it, y'know, for next time."

"Craig, really, you're everything I need. We don't need a book." I kiss him and walk out the door. I really am a faker.

_"Keep on smiling,  
what we go through.  
One stop to the rhythm that divides you,  
And I speak to you like the chorus to the verse,  
Chop another line like a coda with a curse."_

The eternal battle of good versus evil. Good: boyfriend who gives you a promise ring and is always there for you. Evil: bad boy who you fuck because you feel like it. Hmm. Everything is wrong now. I'm in love with the evil, but I keep the good around. Too hurt good more? That is what evil truly is, a way of corrupting good.

I think about what an evil person I am after waking up in the arms of Sean Cameron. I stare at the multi-colored string on my ring finger. His breathing is hot on my neck. His left arm is draped over me, and his left hand is resting on my stomach. I want to fall asleep again. I want to be transported to the realm of unconsciousness. I should leave, even though it's only 8. JT might've called. He might be looking for me. He might come here.

I slide out from underneath his arm. I grab my clothes and put them on quietly. I come here to see Sean for these totally innocent reasons. And then he kisses me, and I feel like finally I realize why God created me. Why I was put on earth. I was put on earth to be fulfilled in Sean Cameron. I make my way to the kitchen and grab some rum and mix it with Coke.

If I feel so fulfilled in him, why do I feel my loneliest when I'm with him? It's this total paradox of emotions that I can't even begin to figure out. He walks out of the bedroom wearing nothing but boxers. "I thought you left again," he says with a tinge of hurt in his voice. "Pour me some of that." I oblige, and we sit there drinking for awhile.

His house is a never-ending supply of some kind of alcohol. When we finish the half-filled bottle, he moves on to vodka but I start to sip water."I'm driving. And Kate will kill me." He nods. "Sean, do you really want me to move in?" I finally ask.

"Ashley, I told you, it's your decision. I mean, you're well aware that your parents would kill you and bring you back, so it's not like we would even get that much time together."

"Unless we legally marry," I joke. He doesn't laugh. I give him an apologetic shrug. "Maybe, if I get in this huge fight with Kate, she'll kick me out."

This time, he shrugs. "Whatever you want." I don't even think he's drunk yet, but I'll blame his stand-offishness on the alcohol.

"I'm gonna go," I announce. He barely notices I spoke a word. I smile and leave. I don't have anywhere to go until curfew. My mind briefly rests on JT before I realize that I'd be so guilt ridden, I would cry. I start to drive in the direction of the first person I could even imagine might know what I'm going through. I hate to admit it, but I have to go there. I need to see Craig.

_"And I come on like a freak show takes the stage.  
We give them the games we play, she said,  
I want something else, to get me through this,  
Semi-charmed kind of life."_

I found the book! I win your little game of hide and go seek, Joey. The whole reason I need the book is rather disheartening, but I am willing to change for someone. That's love. Not getting bitched at by an ex-girlfriend who you thought you might still have feelings for. As if on cue, the doorbell rings. I go downstairs(I'm home alone) and find the last person I would ever think to be standing there. Ashley Kerwin.

"Craig," she says through sobs. "I need help."

We all need a little help sometimes, Ash. "Come in," I say, not allowing my voice to show any emotion. We both sit on the couch, far apart, and partake in a very long, very awkward silence.

Finally, I hear her turn to face me. She looks me in the eyes, and I forget how mad I am. "I understand now, what you did. I forgive you. I have to forgive you, or I'd be the biggest hypocrite known to man."

"Ash?" I ask, letting my hand cover her's in a strictly platonic show of affection.

Her head falls back on a pillow, and I see the tears forming. She brushes them away, but this only causes more to come. "This is all, confidential, right?" she asks. But she doesn't have to. I'm her Craig; she's my Ashley. I would never hurt her like that.

"You don't even have to ask," I mumble.

"Good." As the story unfolds, I begin to understand both more and less. I understand why she snapped at me and how Marco knew where she was. But why was she doing this? And how could Sean, the Sean who was the only friend I had at Degrassi for awhile, be bi? I let her cry after she was done talking because I didn't have anything to say. For some reason, she thinks this whole situation is identical to the one I was in. It's not. She knows she can't be with Sean, even if she wants to. She has to give that hope up. Her decision is made for her, but she doesn't realize.

After crying herself to sleep, I take a blanket and lay it over her. It's only 10 o'clock, but Kate might have changed her curfew after last night. I pick up the phone and dial her home number. I explain the situation to her mom, and she agrees to let Ashley stay here.

Joey comes in a few minutes later, and I immediately hush him. I grab Angie and usher her upstairs, trying to keep her from squealing. I put her to bed, and then I walk into Joey's room. "Caitlin not staying over?" I ask.

"Not for about nine months," he answers. I look shocked. Nine months. NINE MONTHS? Is he serious? Is she... "Not that, Craig," he says reading the look on my face. "She has to go to Africa for this AIDS tour. It's the job of her dreams. Unfortunately, it's going to take about nine months for her to finish it."

"Oh," I answer. "Well, good for her."

"Yea," he answers. "Good for her."

_"I want something else,  
I'm not listening when you say,  
Good-bye."_

I'm running through a field at top speed, but Craig's right at my heels. He's right there; I can feel his presence. If I turn around, he'll catch me and he'll win. I don't know where I am. All I know is that I must run because Craig's chasing me. I start to breathe harder until I see a bed of flowers, where I allow myself to collapse.

He jumps on top of me, and we stare at each other for awhile, smiling. He begins to kiss me, and it leads to more. He makes love to me. It's the best sex of my life. I suddenly crave a cigarette. I start to play with his hair, and all he can do is smile and laugh. We're laughing and giggling and rolling in the flowers, neither of us knowing what this joke is, but both of us knowing that it's only meant for us to understand.

Out of nowhere, he finds his camera. He positions it so it will take a picture of both of us, together. We're naked, but it's OK because we've always been naked. The camera takes so many pictures, but this isn't weird. He gets up to readjust the lense, and I allow my eyes to close for the briefest second.

I feel arms around my bare stomach, and I giggle and turn to the owner of these arms. I look up and straight into the eyes of JT Yorke. He's smiling and brushing the hair out of my eyes. The camera is still snapping, so I look over at it. Craig's gone. I look back at JT, and suddenly I forget that Craig was ever here at all.

"Manny! Manuela Santos!" I awake to my name being called over and over again. I roll over onto my stomach and look at the door. 5,4,3,2,1...

My mother bursts in. "Get ready! It's time to go to church!"

_"The sky it was gold, it was rose,  
I was taking sips of it through my nose,  
And I wish I could get back there,  
Some place back there,  
Smiling in the pictures you would take."_

Jay called around 10. Said we could party at his place, but we both know that he just wanted to come here. So I told him he could if he brought the booze. He told me he had something even better.

And he did. Beer, girls, and "stuff." Crystal meth. Awesome. I ignored the beer and the girls. I was sexed-out for the day. I love the feeling of being high. I was so high. I was so high, Jay said I passed out. I don't remember that. I remember throwing up a lot. I remember about 50 kids in my house when I woke up. But I thought I fell asleep on my own. Oh well.

I look into the eyes of the girl sleeping on my bed next to me. We didn't have sex; we just slept together. Literally, where you fall asleep and someone else falls asleep, and it's all sleeping and nothing else. She's barely awake. Her whole body is stiff except for her eyes fluttering open and closing again.

I decide to get up before the masses do so I can keep them off my stuff. I get up and stretch. There's about five other kids sprawled on blankets all over my floor. I step into my living room, and there's about twenty in there. They're everywhere: couch, floor, one on the kitchen counter, and two on the table. Some are clothed, some aren't.

My head pounds, and I want everyone to leave. I want it to be Ashley and me. I want us to be alone, here, living. Living together. I want her with me when I wake up in the morning.

There's nowhere to sit except random patches on the floor. I pour myself a cup of coffee, and head outside. There's two chairs. Luckily, the night was cold enough that no one tried to sleep out here, except I see a few kids in cars. After being out here for about two minutes, the door opens and a kid about 18 steps out. "Hey Sean," he whispers and sits in the other chair, wrapping his blanket tight around him.

"I don't know your name," I mumble. Am I supposed to? I don't think I want to know.

"Jake," he says. I nod.

"Did I meet you last night?" I ask. "I was pretty fucked up. Not really remembering too much about yesterday."

He didn't answer, and we sat in silence that I didn't mind. Finally, he gets up. He turns to leave, but stops himself. He leans down and kisses me, and his lips against mine are so warm that I never want him to leave. "We met," he whispers and walks away. In the distance, I hear a car start. I vow never to do crystal meth again.

_"Doing crystal myth,  
Will lift you up until you break,  
It won't stop,  
I won't come down, I keep stock,  
With a tick tock rhythm and a bump for the drop,  
And then I bumped up. I took the hit I was given,  
Then I bumped again,  
And then I bumped again."_

Craig dropped me off a few hours ago, and I've done nothing since. I mean, Kate yelled for awhile, but after I locked myself in my room... nothing. Not that this is bad. Faced with the options, I'd rather be here than dealing with the 'JT and Sean dilemma' as has presented itself. Three years ago, if you had told me I would be the center of this love triangle, I would've laughed you off the face of the earth. Three years ago, if you had told me Sean would be the center of a 'Ashley-Sean-Marco' love triangle, I would send you to Denmark. Not that Sean is the center in a normal sense. Really, he would want to be with either of us if the possibility arose, but it won't with Marco, and it only might with me.

He waltzes into my room just as I remember how happy I am that I don't have to deal with him today. His grin sickens me to my stomach because of how his entire face(eyes, lips, hair, even nose and ears) seem to be perfectly aligned to his mood. He's the boy who smiles with his eyes. I'm the girl whose eyes can never smile.

He remembers to turn and lock the door before he lays next to me. I reach into my bedside drawer to grab a condom. He grabs my hand and stops me. "It would be enough," he whispers in his horrible attempt at seductive accent, "if we just laid together. To feel how one would feel being totally uninhibited." At this, he takes off his shirt, and I follow his lead.

Once we're done undressing, he makes patterns and designs on my stomach. This makes me giggle uncontrollably. I, Ashley Kerwin, have the most horrible ticklish stomach. He smiles at me and all I can look at is his teeth. He has horrible teeth. They're so horrible that they're kinda cute, like one of those really ugly dogs that you know you love.

To tell JT Yorke that you are cheating on him is like telling your puppy that you've been secretly giving the evil dog next door your puppy's food. I can't do it. Every time I try, I'll say, "JT," in this dead serious voice, and he'll look worried, and I'll just say something about how he should've remembered to brush his hair before he came over.

So, JT Yorke and Ashley Kerwin, these two kids who are madly in love, are laying naked next to each other when the evil creature known as Toby Isaacs barges in. We attempt to cover ourselves in my sheets, but the damage is done. My god awful step-brother has seen me naked. I went to throw a shoe at the door, but he was already gone. That little brat.

JT stands up and starts throwing clothes on, not realizing that the shirt isn't even his. "JT, shirt," I say. He collapses onto the bed. It was just a shirt. No need to start crying.

"Can you believe that just happened?" he asks.

To tell the truth, I've already forgotten it. I mean, I would remember when I saw Toby again, and I would probably have to have a talk that even though his best friend is having sex(even though we didn't today), that he doesn't have to. It's the sisterly thing to do. "Uh, yea, that was weird."

"Weird? Ash, your brother just saw us totally nude." Another thing that bugs me about JT, he never says naked. It's always nude or unclothed or disrobed or something that you never, ever hear in everyday conversation.

"Sucks, I guess. But he knew that we do this."

"What? No he doesn't. How would Toby know?" he says as he changes back into his shirt, tossing mine at me.

I just sigh. Everyone at Degrassi knows. It's not a big deal anymore. For the grade 10's, maybe. But only people like Emma and Liberty and.... Toby. Yes, it's a big deal to Toby. How could I not think of this? If Toby was older and maybe not only dated prude losers... Ouch. I need to not think of Liberty and Kendra like that. They're nice. It's not even Liberty's fault. After that whole Aids scare, I wouldn't be having sex either. "I'm going to have a talk with him," I say.

He's pacing, or something, and I kind of want him to leave. I do love JT (yes, thank you guilty conscious, I am aware I'm hurting the thing I love most in life), but he worries about things more than he needs to. He kisses me and mumbles his good-byes. I fall back on my bed. I have the whole night to do absolutely nothing.

_"How do I get back there to,  
The place where I fell asleep inside you?  
How do I get myself back to  
The place where you said,  
I want something else to get me through this  
semi-charmed kind of life."_

I find myself at the Jeremiah home again. I find myself here more often lately. Manny and I are on like, half-speaking terms, so I'm not here to steal Craig away. Usually I just come and look at it and wonder about the amazing things happening inside the walls, and I walk away. I get away from home as often as I can anymore, "forgetting" my cell and trying my hardest not to be found. Snake's getting worse and worse, and I feel like I can't help him at all so I start to add to the pain in his life.

I wonder myself how much different everything would be if my mother hadn't chosen to be a single teenage mom. They could be this happy family: Spike, Snake, and Jack. Snake would only have this bundle of joy to come home to and his adoring wife. He wouldn't have to worry about me and my bad choices. I can't be down around them, either. I must battle my bad moods and smile so no one sees how this is all affecting me: Emma. Remember me? No? Stop thinking so hard.

So, I go to the Jeremiah house to escape. I'd say I go in about once out of every ten times I go. There's this grove of trees not to far away, and I can sit in them and write in a journal no one will find because it's buried like a dead body. Sometimes, I'll see Joey or Angie or Caitlin going off somewhere. Only when I'm really lucky am I able to catch a glimpse of Craig. Then I must stop my writing for a good five minutes as my mind is flooded with thoughts of him. Thoughts I can't even write down, even though no one reads my journal.

I'm not in the mood for writing today. I'm in the mood to see Craig. I knock on the door, and Joey answers. He's in a rush. "He's in the garage, Em."

He leaves the door open for me top go through the house, so I do. I don't want to see him anymore. If he's in the garage, either he's practicing with the band, or Manny's out there. I listen outside for about five seconds, and it's obvious the band isn't practicing. So, I listen for any sign that Manny's with him. I decide she's not, so I knock. "Come in!" he calls. I love his voice. I step in and he's laying on the couch, sitting there, staring. "Emma!" he says, and he seems genuinely glad to see me. I wonder if he got in a fight with Manny or something.

"Craig," I say as I close the door behind me. "I got bored, and Jack was crying and the basement got lonely, so..."

"Say no more," he says offering me a spot on the couch. I graciously accept. "I was just about to watch," he turns over the video package in his hand, "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." He smiles at his decision. I smile, and he gets up to put it in his player.

It's the little things he does that make me swoon in the worst way. The way his arm is draped around me. I'm sure he doesn't even think of this. I'm Emma, his friend. He puts his arm around me because he's used to putting his arm around girls, and there's really nowhere else for it to go without it seeming obvious and uncomfortable. It's the way I can tell he's deeper by the different ways he smiles. I can tell he finds the scene with Jeannie and Ed Rooney only partially funny, and he only smiles with no teeth, but the scene where Ferris is on the float extremely funny, and he laughs with his gut.

After the movie's over, I realize it's time for me to go. I want to stay, of course, I want to stay forever. But, there comes a time when you're somewhere when the mood changes, and you can feel that you're not wanted. It's not a bad thing; it simply means that your time has passed with entertaining this person, and they want something else to entertain them. I say my good-byes, and he leads me to the door. I peck him once on the cheek, as I have been doing since we were five. It's not a thing anymore. At least not to him.

To me, it's everything.

_"I believe in the sand beneath my toes,  
The beach gives a feeling,  
An earthy feeling.  
I believe in the faith that grows,  
And the four right chords can make me cry.  
When I'm with you I feel like I could die.  
And that would be all right, all right."_

The thing I've noticed about living alone is that it's hard as hell to put yourself to bed. There's always something to do, even if it's playing video games and drinking Coke. No matter how tired you know you're going to be in the morning, you can't seem to find a reason to go and lie down. It's disheartening, in a way. It means that as long as I live, I'll probably be tired.

It's already 2, so I know now that sleep will come easy. So, I abandon Halo and make my way into the bedroom. I get up to throw my cereal bowl in the sink when I hear a knock. I know it's Ashley before I turn around.

I open the door, and she's standing there with a duffel and her purse. I open my mouth, but she pushes her way past me before I can get a word out. "I just got this huge lecture from my parents, so don't you start. They found out I'm having sex. Damn Toby. Anyways, I snuck out and left this note saying 'oh, dear loving parents who want me to get on the pill so their whore of a daughter won't get pregnant and ruin their good family name: I had to go into school early. Didn't want to wake anyone. Kisses!' They don't even care if I had to go in early or not. They really don't. They hate me now. It's wonderful. Oh, and by the way," she kisses me. Hard. It's not passionate at all, but she doesn't care. It's a horny kiss. It's a kiss that will ultimately lead into a bed if it's not stopped. And I don't care enough to stop it. I never do.

After we're done, she starts sobbing. I feel like shit. I can't help her by fucking her. She doesn't know what she wants. She comes here after this huge fight with her parents, and I, Sean Cameron, do what? I sleep with her. I take her moment of weakness and exploit it.

I know it's not like that. I know she wants to be with me, and I want to be with her. And we both know she can't. She can't leave JT At least not yet. She can't leave her parents, her life. She's been so perfect for so much of her life, and I offer her a chance to live like she's in college when she's still in high school. And this part of her that needs to feel alive greedily takes it all in.

But, at the end of the day, I'm breaking her.

_"When the plane came in,  
She said she was crashing.  
The velvet it rips,  
In the city we tripped,  
On the urge to feel alive,  
But now I'm struggling to survive."_

I guess I'm in love. I guess this is the feeling. I guess this is it. I guess you've caught me. I could definitely use those as lyrics to a song. It would have to be called 'I Guess.' It would suck majorly, but maybe some poor sap placed into a position like mine might understand.

Who else do you know is complaining about a lack of flair in their sex life at age 17? Honestly. I'm pathetic. I'm thinking about breaking up with someone I love because I am incapable of keeping things hot. We are two fairly good looking teenagers who have to sneak around to have sex, and it's boring and routine. If I act like I'm 40 now, what will happen when I'm Joey's age? I don't even want to think about it.

She has this birthday, thing, tonight. It's her sweet 16 thing, and her parents make her do this formal dinner and everything. Emma's my date, I guess, since Manny has her parents as her date, and Emma and I didn't feel like going alone. Emma. She's like a sister to me, and it hurts so much to see Snake going as downhill as he is. She doesn't open up to me; all I have is to get her company for a few hours while I run a tape. Even then, she's distant and neither of us talk. She's a tough cookie to crack.

She does look gorgeous tonight. Her hair is swept up and her dress is this amazing shade of dark purple. It's short and short sleeved, so she has this black lacy wrap that would make any guy go crazy for her. Well, I don't mean the wrap. I mean the whole dress. We talk with her family for awhile, and then we're off. She helps me find the place since I've never been there before. We joke about the fact that Jessica Simpson has totally ruined 'Take My Breath Away.' I ask her if she wants to hear our band, and then I put in our demo. We laugh the whole time. I wish we were better, for Emma. I wish Emma could relate to our band like I could relate to every musician I first heard after picking up a guitar. I just want to help her.

When I see Manny, I swear everything in the room stops, and I walk towards her in slow motion. She's wearing a low-cut(very low-cut, she could've left more to the imagination) black velvet dress. Her hair is curled, and there are two pieces that fall into her face. I want to grab her and take her into a utility closet, but I smile and act polite because I feel like every family member is watching me.

I glide her across the dance floor, and we suddenly begin to love all the eyes on us. Everyone is here tonight, everyone except for Ashley and JT. Falling out with both of them. Even though Ashley and I are on the way back to being friends, I haven't even mentioned this to Manny. She would kill me if Ashley was here. Hazel and Paige try to get their boyfriends to be as romantic and amazing as I am on the dance floor, but the only one who comes close is Marco, and he's dancing with Emma.

I saved up for her gift, but I don't think it's enough. It's a gold chain with a diamond pendant. It was expensive, but the price doesn't matter. Nothing compares to her beauty. This is the Manuela Santos I fell in love with. This is the girl who could stop traffic.

We got our sex life back that night. That's all I remember. We didn't even need the damn book.

_"The days you were wearing,  
That velvet dress,  
You're the priestess.  
I must confess,  
Those little red panties,  
They pass the test."_

I crawl under Sean's arms. It's been over a week since our torrid love affair started. It's Saturday night, date night. JT's coming over tomorrow since I promised him we could use the condoms Kate and Jeff gave us.

Sean begins to rub my stomach, and I squeal softly. If Sean and I weren't the worst couple ever, I couldn't tell you who was. I do make his home, what's the word I'm looking for, lacking in it's trademark horrible stench, but I still don't feel like I'm helping him. I'm not sure how to deal with his sexual orientation. Gay or straight, I could deal with. Gay, I would walk away and never look back. Straight, I would break up with JT that second and be with him. But this confused stuff? It haunts me because I feel like I'm trying to beat heterosexuality into him, which I'm not.

And I guess he's not helping me either. I'm fighting with my parents more, and I'm connecting to JT less. However, I did connect twice this week with Craig Manning, which is a totally new discovery, so that's good.

"What are you thinking about?" he asks.

"You," I say. He smiles.

"About how fucked up we are?"

"Exactly." I kiss him. "About how good at fucking we are."

_"Slide up around the belly,  
Face down on the mattress.  
One,  
Now you hold me,  
And we're broken.  
Still it's all that I want to do."_

It's great now. Craig and I are back on track and we're wonderful. The thing that haunts me is that I still think about JT like crazy. Even though I'm happy, and he's happy, and he hates me, and he's happy hating me.

I walk up to his doorstep. I know his parents aren't home, so I walk in. I'm worried that I might find him in bed with Ashley, but I don't care, and I keep walking. I open the door to his room. He's playing a video game. "Manny?" he asks, as if he thinks I'm going to disappear. I don't.

"Hi JT," I say, my voice as low as I whisper, as I sit on his bed. He both look at each other for awhile.

"Hey," he finally says after an extended silence.

"You don't hate me," I state.

"No?" he asks.

"No."

"OK," he answers. We stare at each other some more. "Well, it's good to be told I don't hate you anymore."

"Yea," I say, laughing. Same 'ole JT Yorke. Same person who would never hurt me. Same person I overlooked until it hurt. If given the chance now, I would go with JT over anyone. "How's, Ashley?" I ask. It hurts to speak her name, but I don't think he notices.

"She's amazing. She's everything to me. She's one helluva woman." I didn't ask for your relationship history, JT.

"Great," I say through a clenched smile.

"And Craig?" he asks.

"Oh, great, great."

"That's good," he answers. Around this time, I realize that JT and I have lost interests. Not just lost interest, as in each other, but lost any common bond that we might be able to talk about. So, I do what I came here to do. I lean in and kiss him.

I expect a severe reaction, but I don't expect to be kissing him one second and lying on the floor the next. "Manny, that wasn't good," he says. Uh, thank you, Captain Obvious. "I'm with Ash, and you're with Craig, and us... Manny, there is no us."

Somewhere inside of me, I know this. I just can't admit it. I smile even though tears are brimming my eyes. Not because of the nasty bump on my head, but because I finally have to deal with not getting what I want.

So I leave. And I go back to my fabulous sex life.

_"Feel myself with a head made of the ground,  
I'm scared but I'm not coming down,  
And I won't run for my life.  
She's got her jaws just locked now in smile,  
but nothing is all right, all right."_

Is it an undeniable fact that I'm cursed? Yes. I've had one relationship in my high school career. One relationship that crashed and burned. I had a sort-of one, but Chris and I weren't meant to be and that was painfully obvious after our first few dates.

So here I am, Emma Nelson, 16 years of age, without a boyfriend, with a viciously misguided crush on my friend's boyfriend, with my dad dying of cancer, and I feel alone. Is this a shock to anyone? Anyone? Didn't think so.

One wrong turn after another led me to this point. The point of total breakdown. Do you expect me to watch everyone else fall in love and live their perfect lives while mine crumbles rapidly around me, and I'm forced to envy the things I cannot have? I hate Paige and Spinner the most. They have perfect existences. Sure, their life is plagued by certain drama, which is just a testament to how "real" they are. But, they aren't real. They don't even have feelings. Paige only cries when she's supposed to and someone's watching. Spinner's problems are so petty that he thinks everyone should be able to cope with life by downing a few bottles of spray cheese.

When I think about how bitter I am, it makes me more bitter. It's a never-ending cycle. It's how, once you go down the path of misery, it's very hard to turn around and come back. I've pretty much abducted Craig's cd collection. I listen to every song and read along with every lyric, feeling the singer has felt the exact same things I have. Everyone is pointing out how sad different aspects of my life are.

This music was given to me so I could relate. I do relate, but is that supposed to help me? It just makes me realize that other people are miserable, and then, what is the point of our existence? If my method of coping makes another person feel worse, why keep coping that way?

My music hurts me. Craig's music hurts me. Craig hurts me. Someday, he and Manny are going to break up. If and when this day comes, he will still not look to me to replace her. If I ever get to feel his lips upon mine, it will be in a drunken attempt to feel less lonely. He will never seek me out for the purpose to be with me.

So why do I want that so bad?

_"I want something else,  
To get me through this,  
Semi-charmed kind of life.  
I want something else,  
I'm not listening when you say,  
good-bye."_


	8. Here's to the Night

**This Brilliant Dance**

A/N: I think I'm going to have Sean shy away from Marco(or Marco shy away from Sean?). I don't think Sean is genuinely attracted to Marco, just guys in general. SEAN IS CONFUSED. poor Sean. I think we have our next candidate for "Who wants to have a mental breakdown?" Anyways...

**Chapter 8: Here's to the Night**

Disclaimer: 'Here's to the Night' courtesy of Eve 6. 'Degrassi: The Next Generation' courtesy of Canadian Television and Epitome pictures.

Finding him in the madness of school is easy. Finding him in the madness of school when no one is paying attention to me or him is tough. Ashley, herself with the same agenda to find him when no one's around, is always watching him like a hawk, and Dylan's always with me or near me and, sometimes, it's enough to make me want to scream.

I'm not going to tell Dylan that Sean and I did some hard-core making out. I'm also going to not tell him about my dreams of Sean. And I am certainly not going to mention exactly who it is I'm thinking about when I'm aroused. Such a creepy word. Yuck.

I'm not going to tell Sean about the latter two, either.

I'm finally able to corner him on his way back from the gym. He got out early because he opted out of participating today, therefore not having to shower, and I'm out of Simpson's class due to a dry throat. So, I see him far down the hall. We're the only ones out here and will be out here for the next ten minutes. I take a deep breath in and walk up to him.

"Hey Marco," he says in a totally un-emotional voice. It breaks my heart into a million pieces, but I don't let on. "What's going on?"

"Not much," I answer, but he has to know that's a lie. "How about you?"

"Just hanging out. I don't wanna be here. Not today," he wrings his hands as if trying to wash away his entire life. It's not that simple. We both know.

I can't say there's sexual tension. It's like, the opposite. There was sexual tension, and now it's gone. This is evident to both of us as we stand here looking like complete fools, both waiting for the other to talk. "Did you..." I start, but I don't want to finish. "Did you maybe want to go to the roof?"

Sean looks around. "Uhh...yea," he says. It seems he only wants to get away. From Degrassi and Ash and his sexuality, but from me as well? Probably.

We sit next to the colored rocks, still in tact for the most part, but having to deal a little bit with the wear and tear of weather. I feel so attracted to Sean, but at the same time, I feel nothing. It's not like I have this internal battle of feeling attracted and feeling repulsed. I think it has to do with this bad boy image that I really crave and will never be able to find in Dylan. But when I'm with Sean, I feel like, well, to tell the truth, I feel nothing. No lust. No repulsion. No ashamedness. No comfort. No confusion. No heartache. I don't feel like he's just Ellie's ex-boyfriend or Ashley's current fuck buddy.

But I still feel like I want him. I reach out and grab his hand. He doesn't pull back. We still don't look at each other. "Marco," he starts, but I already know what he's going to say. I know by the tone of his voice, but I also knew before he even opened his mouth.

"It's OK, Sean. I know." So I stand up and start walking. I don't know why this means so much to me. All I know is that it does. I turn around and see him standing, too. I walk back towards him. I kiss him once, just to be sure. We both cringe at the lip contact, as it can't be called anything else. "Just checking," I say, and we both smile. It's that easy, right?

_"So denied,  
So I lied,  
Are you the now or never kind?"_

I walk up to her in the hall and immediately sense something's wrong. She won't look at me in the eye. "Emma," I say a few times, softly. When she pulls her head out of the locker, I see her tears. My first reaction is to hold her, no matter how weird that is to anyone else. I'll get hell from Manny later, but she needs me. I can sense it.

"Craig I just can't take it anymore," she whispers. "I just can't." I know what she means, but I have to keep her with me.

"Emma," I whisper again. Her name is so pure and beautiful. Every time I say it, chills go down my spine, and I have this instant gut reaction. "I'm here now." I'm here now? How corny. Yes, you are there. Now. So? Do you have to point it out to her? She's not stupid.

People are staring now. It's just a matter of time before Manny sees us. Emma looks around, sensing the same thing. "I'll be fine," she whispers and pulls herself out of my arms.

I know she's lying. I can feel the lie radiate off her skin like a chemical disease. I can't give up. "Follow me. Don't make it seem like you're doing so," I say into her hair right above her ear. She mumbles, and her head bobs the slightest bit into a nod. I smile, still into her hair, before I walk away and make my way to the front doors.

This part of the school is deserted for an unknown reason. I stall to let her catch up. Once she's standing next to me, I intertwine my fingers in her's. I look at her face and see the sharp beginnings of a blush on the corners of her cheek. I squeeze her hand, and we walk outside.

We get home to a (luckily) Joey-less house. I still take her to the garage to be safe. I put in Sleepers because Joe and I had rented it last night. She falls asleep, curled up on the couch with her head in my lap. I stroke her hair while still watching the movie, now set on low. "I remember that night because it was the night of my 14th birthday. I remember that night because it was the one in which my childhood was lost forever," the sad looking kid on the movie says to me. I'm suddenly glad Emma's asleep, because this movie is not the kind that would cheer a person up.

As the movie continues down it's seemingly hopeless spiral pit, I feel more and more obliged to protect Emma from it's content. At some point(I'm not sure when), I realize Emma's not a little girl anymore. I can't protect her from everything, but I want to try. I slowly uncover all these hidden feelings for Emma, but I try to suppress them, for her sake and Manny's.

"Craig," I hear Emma's fragile voice manage. I look down and brush some hair out of her face.

"Em," I answer.

"Promise me," she says, "promise that you'll never leave."

I kiss her temple. "No, Em, I'll never leave." This seems to satisfy her, and she turns a little in my lap. Since my face is still down next to her's, this almost perfectly aligns our lips. She looks up at me with pleading eyes. Finally, I let the moment take control, and I lean down to kiss her. At that moment, she is everything. I let her go, and she falls peacefully back into my lap.

After a minute, she's fast asleep again.

I hear a faint knock on the door, and I hurry to answer it before they knock again. "Manny," I said following the door out and then closing it. "Hey."

"Hey. Is she here now?" Manny says, but she's not mad.

"Who?" I ask innocently.

"Emma," she answers. "I heard you left school together."

"Oh, yea," I answer honestly, preparing myself for the worst. But she's caught me, and no amount of lies would be able to save me now. "She's asleep."

She nods, but she still doesn't seem mad. Other than being obviously grateful, I'm also confused. She leans up and kisses me. "Joey's not home," she makes as an observation. I nod. "Craig, neither of us is really any good at the games we're playing. We should just walk away now before anyone gets any more hurt."

"I agree," I say after a short pause. We're walking into my house now. We're going up the stairs. We're in my room. I don't even realize we're doing this, but Manny seems to know. She walks over to my bedside table drawer and grabs a condom. "Manny, what's going on?" I ask.

"Good-bye sex," she says.

_"In a day and a day love,  
I'm gonna be gone for good again.  
Are you willing to be had,  
Are you cool with just tonight?"_

I sit alone at the end of the Women's Clinic. I feel like crap, knowing that at some point I made Manny feel like shit for sitting in this exact same waiting room. "Kerwin, Ashley Kerwin," my name is said from far away, and so I get up and find the voice. The woman gives me a reassuring look as she ushers me into her office.

I'm asked a few simple questions, and then she gives me a look to let me know it's time to talk. "Do you have sex regularly?"

"Yes."

"How many partners on a regular basis, Ashley?"

"Two."

"Have you ever had unprotected sex?"

"Yes."

"Do you regularly have sex unprotected?"

"No."

"OK, Ash, now I'm going to need you to tell me your symptoms."

I squeeze my eyes shut. "It hurts to urinate," I start. "And I've been bleeding during intercourse."

She nods her head knowingly. "OK, now I'm going to perform a test for a number of STDs."

"OK," I whisper.

I'm out in the waiting room again. I hate being alone. I grab Reader's Digest and flip through heroic tales of mountain climbers and the like. "Ashley," the same woman says my name. I follow her once again into the office. "It's what I expected. You have Gonorrhea. That's the bad news. The good news is that it's treatable."

I sigh. It's not a happy sigh or a bad sigh. The good news is that it is treatable, and it's not like I'm pregnant so no one has to know. The bad news is that I have an STD. "So what do we do?" I ask.

"I'm going to fill out a perscription right now. I also need you to go and tell every person you've had intercourse with to be tested, even if they don't have the symptoms. I know you think that will be very hard, but it has to be done."

"No," I interrupt her. "It's fine."

She smiles and rips off a piece of paper. "Come back in a week, Ashley," she says. I give a small smile and walk out. I start my car and head to the pharmacy. I'm so tired. I'll call J.T. and Sean later.

_"Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well.  
Here's to the nights we felt alive.  
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry.  
Here's to goodbye,  
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon."_

I took a deep breath and walked into the clinic. It was a different one than Ashley had been at, but she came with me anyway. For a ride, mostly, even though I could've taken the bus. "I don't see how you could've gotten it," I hiss.

Her fingers stiffen a bit. "I don't know either. All we do know is that I have it and you need to be tested."

We choose two seats pretty far away from the clump of people in the center. I pick up a random magazine and flip through it, but she's prepared and has a book with her. "JT Yorke," I hear my name called.

I give her a kiss on the forehead and she whispers, "Good luck," as I make my way to the woman who called my name.

It takes 45 minutes and three chats with Dr. Sinclair to determine that I don't have the disease. It's great news, but it could also be the worst news of my life.

I make my way back into the waiting room. It's true, there's a lot of ways to get this disease without having sex. But it's the most likely cause. And, if I don't have it, who could've given it to her? Would I be so blind as to miss her sleeping around and cheating on me?

I see her, and we exchange relieved glances. I'm faking mine. If she knew exactly what was going through my head at this exact moment, she would cringe. We walk out to the car showing no signs of affection. I don't reach for her hand or put my arm around her shoulders.

I calmly wait until we are in the car before I ask. "Ashley, you weren't born with this. We both know this. Now, I need to know how you got it right now or I will be forced to do something drastic," I say through clenched teeth. I'm not yelling, exactly, more like whispering in a harsh tone.

I hear her starting to cry, and I look over, hurt. I hadn't tried to make her cry. "J.T., there's something you should know. . ." With that small sentence, I felt my world crashing down around me.

_"Put your name on the line,  
Along with place and time.  
Wanna stay not to go,  
I wanna ditch the logical."_

I feel myself shift so that we're closer. I think this is very brave of me. "Craig," I mumble.

He turns to face me. "Manny..." he starts. We stare at each other, both hiding our act under the sheets. My name coming from his mouth seems like such a sin, and I shut my eyes tightly. "Why don't you care?"

There's a million answers to this question, as well as a million questions I can ask him. I open my eyes and touch the soft skin of his cheek gently. "Deep down, you knew. You knew as well as I did that we have nothing. All we had going for us was sex, and then I fucked that up. You're in love with someone else. I was in love with the prospect of falling in love. But falling in love was the worst idea I ever had."

He rubs his face, probably trying to forget about us already. I don't care enough to stop him. There's a gap in between our bodies, as much symbolism in this as there can be in any act we participate in at this point. We both know that Emma's waiting, and if I don't hurry, he'll be quick to tell me this. I pull myself up and manage to put my clothes on.

And I mourn. I mourn not for the death of this pathetic relationship. I mourn for the loss of my soul somewhere in the midst of it. When had I lost this minimal sense of self I once had? When I had I thrown so much caution to the wind as to let myself stay in such an obvious dead end relationship? I'm dressed quickly, as I've been in enough compromising positions as to have practice in the dressing quickly category. I look around the room, and I feel tears come.

I look for things of mine that I've haphazardly left over our year long relationship. I look for clothes, for papers, even for a damn hair thing that would've fallen on the floor during an intense "study session." I find nothing. I look at the walls, void of any sign that Craig even had a girlfriend, unless she was in any number of 80's punk bands. I look to the floor, ashamed. "I'll bring your stuff by later this week," is all I say. I turn and heads toward the door.

"Manny..." he stops me. I turn around with a blank expression on my face. "Never mind," he whispers. And I walk out, this time with no one stopping me.

_"Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well.  
Here's to the nights we felt alive.  
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry.  
Here's to goodbye,  
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon."_

In a situation such as mine, a person learns how to lie and adapt to fit their surroundings. It just so happens that I was given a long time to think about my response to his accusation, and I am armed with a brilliant lie. I know it's a big one. I know no one would ever be able to forgive me if they found out it was a lie. But it's believable. And, right now, that's all I'm going for.

I let myself cry a few seconds before I start, to add to the drama. "JT, there's something you should know," I start, and I feel his entire body tense. "I had a really bad time in my life once, and I've tried my hardest to block it out. However, there's things like this always here to remind me.

"A few years back, right after my dad left and before Kate met Jeff, she met another man. His name was Paul Benson, and he and my mom had a very heavy relationship. She was pretty fucked up, and everything, so it intensified a long time before it should have. He moved in after a month, and that's when it started.

"JT, he raped me. A lot. He was a dirty, greasy, disgusting man, who I hated before he even touched me. I didn't shut up. It took me about three months to sort out who my mom would believe, and then I took a leap of faith and hoped she would believe me. She did, and he left our lives without so much as an apology."

Now, yes, it is true that my mother was confused after my dad left us. It is also true that she had a boyfriend named Paul Benson, and that he was a dirty man. He did, in fact, move in with us after a very short time, although in real time, I think it was closer to three months. And it is true that, one day, he was gone, and Kate and I never talked about it again. It is not true that he touched me, raped me, or even tried to bond with me for that matter.

We were in front of JT's house by the time the story was over, and my face was drenched in a storm of tears. The look on his face haunts me. It's this intense rage and sympathy all mixed into one. I can tell all he wants to do is find Paul Benson and rip his dick off. I feel like shit suddenly, but I can't leave my lie now. I knew this was going to happen. I must live with it. "Come in with me," he says after a few minutes of silence. "Spend the night. I love you."

And the hardest part is that I know it's true. He loves me more than anything, and in my sick, twisted, perverted mind, I am able to take advantage of that. I hate myself. But I hate Paul Benson more.

_"All my time is frozen motion.  
Can't I stay an hour or two or more?  
Don't let me let you go.  
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well."_

I feel like death. I feel like a corpse. I've drunk myself to sleep every night this week. Everything's finally coming together, and it's not at all how it's supposed to be played out. There are a few things taking center stage on my mind lately.

Ashley has Gonorrhea. I fucking hate that word, by the way. And now I fucking hate the disease, for her sake. For my sake as well, since we're both deftly aware that it was I who gave it to her. So, if JT doesn't have it, she's screwed and I'm screwed and the whole fucking thing gets blown to bits.

And this is hardly to mention how I now have to go down and get this shit treated. I'm glad she was responsible about it, so I know, but they're going to tell me to tell all of my sexual partners, and I'm going to make it very clear that I am not in contact with most of them. I might be nice and tell Amy, but she was my first and I doubt that she was the one who gave it to me, so it will be a useless task.

Not to mention that Marco and I had a final confrontation. This horrible experience that I hope I never have to repeat in my life. It was so awkward. We both realized how we were attracted to the idea of the other person, and not the person. For him, this bad boy/rough gangsta kid image is sexy. Yes, I just chuckled at that thought. For me, I think it's just a guy I can control. A guy I can manipulate. A guy.

So I drink. I drink and then I lay in bed and let the thoughts flow over me like a tidal wave. The phone rings, and I ignore it. I don't feel like talking to anyone. I know I'm going to answer the phone to bad news. I know someday soon, Ashley will be standing on my doorstep, and I will have no choice. I will let her live here. And then, everything will fall so far so fast that our heads will spin. I'm not exactly looking forward to that day.

So, my thoughts end up on Ellie. Before I fucked things up, I looked forward to every new day. When holding her in my arms was this dream, and I was fucking Sean Cameron, the one no one could touch. Now, an insult from a sewer rat would probably ruin my day.

See how bad I fucked things up without you, El? Your best fucking friend has an STD, thanks to me. Your other best friend has cheated on the love of his live and probably seriously thought about leaving him, thanks to me. And not that it matters, but there are countless other people who are probably griping about me at this very minute.

I can't seem to forgive you for leaving. I still love you. Please help Ashley, because I know she's screwing up pretty badly right now, and some other world guidance would probably be of great use to her. And, if it's not too much trouble, help me to stop drinking. I miss sober thoughts.

_"Here's to the nights we felt alive.  
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry.  
Here's to good bye,  
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon."_


	9. This Ruined Puzzle

**This Brilliant Dance**

A/N: Please ignore my obsession with Angie being in love with Lizzie McGuire. This is the second Ang-Lizzie McGuire connection I've made in my stories, so people might start to wonder about my own obsession to the show, although I have none. I am not saying it is a bad show, and I am also not saying that "The Temptations of a Lawn Gnome" written by 'funky pink high top' is not one of the best fan fics ever, because it is. I'm only saying that Angela is a lesbian and Hilary Duff is her drug of choice.

...just kidding

**Chapter 9: This Ruined Puzzle**

Disclaimer: Dear Dashboard Confessional, I love you more than life in itself and I forfeit all rights of This Ruined Puzzle to you, because it is your's. However, may I inquire as to why you must start the names of songs with the word 'This'? This happens to be the second one I've used in this fan fiction alone. I was just curious. Love, Katy.

P.S. Degrassi rights forfeited to CTV and Epitome.

I walk with a purpose into that damn family planning clinic. Just get it over with, Cameron. The wait is gruesome. I hate waiting, and I hate reading, so I just sit listening to my beloved Linkin Park cd. I close my eyes and allow my thoughts to drift to my last good nights with Ellie, and then it morphed into a few nights ago with Ash. My music is on low, so I can hear, even though my hearing is impeccable, and I could hear my name even if the music was on the highest level.

"Sean," a voice says. It seems too close to be from a doctor. I open my eyes and see a kid next to me, trying hard not to look conspicuous. "Remember me?"

"Jake," I mumble. "Not the place or the time."

"Hmm... what would be the place and time, Sean? I thought about stopping by a few times, and I did, twice actually. Once, I left before I knocked because I saw a car there and figured the obvious. Then, I went and knocked, but no one answered. So I gave up."

"What do you want from me, dude? I was fucking high," I say through gritted teeth. I try to think of some way to get him off my back. "You know when you came by and saw a car? Well, dude, that's my girlfriend's. Now, if you'll excuse me." I turn the music up a notch.

"Girlfriend? Nice try," he says. "Haven't come out yet?"

"Sean Cameron," a lady in a starched white lab coat calls. Saved by the, um, call to be tested for STDs lady.

"I have no one to come out to. Ashley knows I'm bi. It doesn't bother her, because dude, I can get any person I want, male or female. I'm only sorry that I was too high to realize what a worthless piece of fuck you are, and that I can do so much better. And, oh yea, your dick is like the size of a crayon."

The truth is, I have no idea how small his penis actually is. I don't remember a thing about that night. Obviously, he does, and it really meant something to him. Which really sucks for him, because I stopped dating queer mothafuckers like himself a long time ago.

I stand and walk to the lady. She gives me the eye as I follow her into her little office. "Lady, please don't give me that, just test me for Gonorrhea and give me the necessary shit because I don't have all day."

She shook her head slowly. "Sure thing."

_"This ruined puzzle is beige with the pieces,  
all face down.  
So the placing goes slowly.  
The pictures of anything other than it's meant to be."_

I hear a knock at the door, and I get up off the couch to answer it. Angie is soon next to me. "Emma!" she says excitedly and hugs Em's knees.

"Angie, hey kiddo," Em says with a small smile. I know Emma can't hide for long behind fake smiles and even faker dreams.

"Craig and I were watching," Angie starts, but then gets a confused look on her face, "Craig, what were we watching?"

"Lizzie-" I start, but before the whole word comes out of my mouth, I am interrupted.

"Oh yea! We were gonna watch Lizzie McGuire. Do you want to watch it with us? It's my favorite show!" Ang seemed like she would talk Emma's ear off if given the chance.

"Um, sure," Emma says.

I laugh silently to myself. "Get used to it," I mumble into her ear as we make our way to the couch.

Emma raises an eyebrow. "If Jack ever wants to watch Lizzie McGuire, I'll...I'll...I'll call up Marco. Or, something." For some reason, when she said 'or...' I thought she might have been saying 'or Sean.' I shake it out of my head. If Sean has his way, the only people at Degrassi to ever know this little secret will be the ones who know already.

So, I'm forced to sit through the episode because of Emma. I was thinking up some really good excuses before she came, too. Like how my unicorn is on fire and must be doused for a period of no less than 30 minutes. I laugh to myself, drawing harsh stares from both Emma and Ang, both of whom are getting way into the Lizzie/Gordo plot.

I watched their eyes light up as the final picture shows how Lizzie risked her "image" to kiss Gordo in a class picture. On the cheek. And other non-threatening images. Angie decides she's done with the Disney channel for the night and runs up to her room to play Barbies. I look down at Emma and laugh. It's so absurd that she should get into that show.

"What do you think, Craig?" she asks. After I realize she's talking about Lizzie McGuire, I squirm. I didn't really have thoughts during the show, other than my relatively creative unicorn dousing one, and then another about how non-threatening the imaging was. But I know the only answer to the question to satisfy Emma's fishing for compliments.

I kiss the top of her head gently. "That was a lame ending. Lizzie's way too slutty, going and kissing him in a picture and all that. You definitely know that Miranda gets the guy." And she giggles.

And I realize how nice it is to be with someone without even the hint of possibility of sex. Because, sometimes, the best kisses are on the cheek, and in the middle of a class picture.

Also, I think Kate's ugly, and I wish much disaster upon her.

_"But the hours they creep,  
The patterns repeat.  
Don't be concerned,  
You know I'll be fine on my own.  
I never said 'Don't Go' (don't go)"_

**(A/N: Yes, this part is going to take this certain part of the song quite literally, because well...dammit because I LOVE the line. you'll see)**

I take each step slowly, painfully aware of the glares I'm getting. Manny Santos, school slut, had one, count it- one, good thing going for her. She had found a way to deceive Craig Manning, resident Degrassi hottie with a rock and roll dream, into falling for her. "I heard she left him. How hil-fucking-larious is that? I mean, yea, he did practically have sex with Emma Nelson in the hall yesterday, and then they left together, but is she really going to act like she NEVER cheated on him? God, that chick's just chalk full of surprises." I don't know who's saying this to whom, and even if it was all from the mouth of one person or if there were two or more people involved in this conversation. I don't know, and I don't care. So I don't give them another glance. I keep my hands on my hips and a meaningful expression on my face as I begin to walk the halls of Degrassi.

I still care about Craig, but it's different. I feel used and angry, and I have no one to blame but myself. Our entire relationship was based on me not being able to let things go. Kick yourself, Manny. Kick yourself and move on. It doesn't matter what other people say. You are strong. You are your world.

That's when I see them. This obviously official couple. And I feel rage for the first time in awhile. It makes me a bit happy to know I haven't totally lost my emotions, as I had first expected. I wasn't mad at Craig, he was a free man and could fuck Marco for all I care. It's Emma. I thought we were friends. I thought... I thought she wouldn't hurt me like this.

I turn before they can see the horror in my face. Don't start a scene, Santos. If you start a scene, it will only give them more to talk about. You have to face this like a woman. It was your idea to leave the relationship, and Emma really needs someone. She was definitely headed for a breakdown. Worse than even I. I clench and unclench my fists and walk towards my locker.

Suddenly, my hands can't take the pain and stress anymore, and they rip off a piece of paper. They grab a pen, and steady themselves long enough to write. "Does he ever get the girl?" the hands write. The hands fold the note up and write "Craig" on the outside. The hands make the brain ignore the bell and the stampede of students rushing to get to class. The hands find tape(the hands are very bad and steal the tape off of a SITE poster) and tape the note down on the outside of Craig's locker. "Bad hands," I scold as the feet take over, and we walk away. "That was a very bad thing." But the hands don't listen. They are quiet again, leaving their decisions to the brain again.

_"I've written a note,  
it's pressed between pages,  
that you've marked to find your way back.  
It says, 'Does he ever get the girl?'"_

If I leave now, the damage has been done. If I leave in three weeks, the damage has been done. I want to stick around for the sense of security. I also don't know if I will ever leave. It's not like that is a set in stone decision. I wouldn't keep lying and wrecking everything in my path if I knew I was going to leave. I would take the little piece of dignity I had once had, but I've lost in the past few weeks.

Ashley Kerwin as defined by the majority of Degrassi students: Perfect turned confused. Has broken hearts, has had heart broken. Off and on friendship with Paige Michalchuk and such, the 'off' coming only when Ashley feels they are too superficial and fake for her. Ashley Kerwin can make anyone inside the walls swoon and fall in love, no matter the barriers of gender, age, race, or status.

Ashley Kerwin as defined by the ones who understand: Fucked up. Fucked up beyond comprehension. So fucked up that if there was an idea for the Fucked Up Olympics, they would immediately send Ashley the gold without thinking twice. Ashley will fall into a deep pit of depression and make you feel like shit if you screw up once and cheat on her. However, Ashley will also have a serious affair while dating a person she supposedly "loves."

Here's the thing, after JT's reaction, I can never let him find out that what I said was a lie. No matter what, I will always uphold that as fact. Under no circumstances will I EVER admit that Paul Benson did not rape me on numerous occasions. Someday soon, I feel, I'm going to live with Sean, and then the whole thing will fall quickly. All of the lies and deceit will be uncovered, and I know JT will be so hurt, he'll never speak to me again. This, I am ready for. I will be able to take him knowing that I'm not his angel, that I slept around with Sean, maybe even that Sean was the one who gave me the awful disease. But I will still uphold that Paul Benson raped me.

Because it also happened to him. By a man he loved as much as he loved his father. And it happened for three years. This man did every cruel thing imaginable, torturing JT, haunting him. Not only was there the molestation and rape, but there was beatings. Beatings to scare JT into not talking. Beatings so bad, he ended up in the hospital twice. He said his mom had to of known, it was rather obvious, but it was his mother's brother. So, it was family against family.

I saw JT shake so hard, I had to straddle him and pin down his appendages for him to stop. I saw JT cry so hard, his cheeks became raw to the touch. I saw what actual rape and torture does to a child. I SAW. And now I can never let him know that I lied.

He would kill me, without thinking twice. He would throw his life down the toilet and send bullets into my body. I know he would. And I can't believe myself any more today than I did three days ago when I told the lie. That damn lie. Even if it was the only way out. Now, I will have to risk my life to protect that lie.

Seeing him from across the caf, I immediately run over to him. We hug hard and long since we haven't seen each other since yesterday. "I love you so much," I whisper. "I love you. We're kindred spirits, you and I. There's a reason for everything, and you're my reason for breathing." I know it was a little much, but half of it was true. I'm just not sure what part.

"I love you too, Ash," he answers, smiling proudly. I trace circles on his back. We're sitting down now, but not any further apart then we were when we were standing. I'm practically sitting in his lap, but it's ok. We're sitting alone.

"Thank you for opening up," I say, staring into his eyes.

"After everything I said to you, accused you of, and to think... to think of what was going through your head the whole time. Ashley, I'm so sorry."

"It's alright, JT," I say with this upbeat attitude that I've been plastering on for him lately. "You didn't know. But, we're here now. We're together, and we're safe. That's the end of it, right?"

He smiles. I feel the lie dripping into my heart, burning it with a passion, and my heart too weak to fight back. Look how he loves you. Look at what you're doing to him. "Right. The end."

_"But what if the pages stay pressed,  
the chapters unfinished,  
the stories too dull to unfold?  
'Does he ever get the girl?'"_

I tried for about fifteen minutes to talk her into letting me go over to Craig's, but no, I'm NEEDED here, and if I leave, I won't be seeing Craig for a month. Or two. So I sulked all the way down the stairs into my basement room. A cellar, reminiscent of a coffin, constantly reminding me of reality. Craig's not my reality; he's my vacation. This is my reality: dirty diapers and medical bills.

My mom and I have always had that highly coveted friendship that most families seem to lack. My mom has always been the most important person in my life, and I know that for a long time, I was all that she had. Still, it seems unfair for her to dump on me. I understand, I have to for the sake of sanity, but I can still disagree with it.

My cell phone begins to shake violently and play "Maybe" a NERD song that I fell in love with. One of the few good things of the Chris train wreck. Not that it was that bad, it was just so painfully obvious that opposites don't attract. I pick up the phone and see the name of the person on the other end. I smile like an idiot. "Hello?" I ask, acting unfazed.

"Eh-mmaaaa," I hear his boyish voice sing, and I find myself laughing. The way he says my name will constantly make me weak at the knees. It always seems like a song when he says it, even when he's not saying it in a sing-song voice.

"Hey boytoy," I say, still smiling. "What's your agenda? Not just trying to get into my pants, are ya?"

There was a brief silence, one in which I could imagine him plastering a faux-hurt look on his face. "Of course. So I'll be over in 15. Get nakey."

I laugh again, trying hard not to. "Oh, but see, I already am."

"Sweeeet," he says. My laugh has gradually reduced to a small smile, but somehow the look of happiness can not be erased from my mind. He stops laughing on the other end. "Do you want to come over?" he asks.

It seems not right for him to come here. His house is my haven, and he knows this. He doesn't care either, Joey's house still seems like a big vacation to him. He never even asks to come over here, unless he's going to pick me up. "I can't," I say dejectedly. "I have to be a prisoner in the dungeon until Mommie Dearest says I can head out. I don't think tonight, though. She wants me to stick around since Snake's at chemo, and she may have to leave to go see him and leave Jack here with me."

"I see. Well, I could always come over there and wait in the merciless basement dungeon with you, my princess," he says, his voice coated sweetly.

I silently praise Craig for his ingenuity, the thought never even occurring to me. "Please!" I yelp. "I mean, if you want, that would be... pretty cool."

"I do want," he answers after letting out a few laughs. "A nakey princess in her decrepit, yet somehow modernly decorated and not rank, basement dungeon."

"Trench coat and high heels, buddy," I retort.

"Oh, that's so sexy. Don't tease me," he says in his creepy, horny voice. His voice softens back to normal, "Be over in a few."

"'K Craig. See ya soon," I say through a smile.

About 15 minutes later, I hear his voice in my kitchen from the basement. I pull myself off the bed and head up. I reach the top of the stairs and smile. He's holding Jack as mom is busy at the stove trying to heat up a bottle. "...tell Joey not to worry, that we'll manage," I hear Mom say, but I don't listen, still staring at Craig.

"Hi sissy Emma," Craig says, moving Jack's hand to wave.

"Who are we letting hold the baby these days?" I joke to Mom. "This delinquent will probably run off with him and sell him on the black market."

Mom steps behind Craig, testing the milk on her wrist. After she decides it's good, she pets Craig with her non-milked up hand. "I think he's kind of cute. Can't we keep him?" she asks, playfully. I break out in a smile I haven't felt in awhile. They switch possession of the baby, and Mom starts to hum softly. "Feeding time," she says as she walks into the living room.

Craig walks up behind me and puts his arm around my waist. He begins to nibble on my neck. "When she said feeding time, she meant the baby," I joke. Instead of retorting, I turn around in his arms. I kiss him lightly on both sides of the mouth, right where his lips met his cheek. Suddenly, the baby's cry pierces through our ears, and I pull away. "Downstairs is quieter," I say. Before waiting for him to answer, I throw him down the stairs and pull the door closed.

"That's what I call captivity, Emma Nelson," he says in a painful holier than thou attitude. After a second, he broke into a smile. "Wouldn't peg you for an S&M girl."

I breathe in, sharply but slowly, piercing the air. "Take off your shirt," I order playfully. Without a word, he does so. "Now get on the bed." He did that as well, laying on his back staring at me. His sex appeal factor at this moment could rival Johnny Depp's in Pirates of the Carribean.

"Now what?" he asks softly, out of character. His voice makes me sweat.

I want nothing more than him at this moment. I want him in every way imaginable. "Make love to me, boytoy," I say, but my voice is no longer cool. It's shaky and every syllable is a struggle. He raises his eyebrows questioningly, but I just nod. And then he does what he's told.

In my basement dungeon, on a day that I only wanted to die, with a baby crying in the background, and the constant fear that my mother would somehow appear at the bedside, I lost my virginity. It's almost like, I know. I know that if I grow to be 102 and have sex twice a day for the rest of my life, nothing can rival this. The sincerity in his eyes and the gentleness of his touch will send shivers down my spine until I'm six feet under.

So, imagine my surprise at his sudden exit. He mumbles something about babysitting Angela and Joey killing him, and he bolts up the stairs. I don't even move, my facial expression stays calm and unrevealing. I lay in my coffin for the next sixteen hours.

What the HELL just happened here?

_"Well this basement's a coffin, I'm buried alive.  
I'll die in here just to be safe.  
I'll die in here just to be safe.  
'Cause you're gone, I get nothing,  
And you're off with barely a sigh.  
I never said, 'Goodbye.'"_

I sit, watching, not caring who is watching back. I watch Spinner and Paige have a minor arguement that slowly escalates until she finally has enough and storms away, Hazel quickly in tow. Jimmy hits Spinner on the shoulder, obviously mad that due to his friend's stupidity, he would not get a chance to mack on his chick during lunch today. Pity.

I watch Spinner say a few words as he tosses more chips in his mouth and shrug. Nonchalant Spinner, how I love your goofiness. I wonder what he would say if I actually said that to him. Firstly, he would make a joke about my French pronunciation of nonchalant. Then, he would make a joke to one of his friends about how in love with him I am. As if.

I play stupidly with the bracelet hangingly loosely off my wrist. People watching can be entertaining, so long as they don't catch on and tell a group of friends that you're now a stalker. "Manny," I hear my name, but it sounds alien coming from the person that it's coming from. "Single, sultry Manuella Santos."

"Get away Sully," I mutter. He sits next to me where I'm leaning against the tree. It's no use. No matter how hard I protest, he'll talk to me and somehow manage to get a rise out of me.

"Heard you dumped the asshole," he says.

"He has a name," I whisper, almost defeated.

"Yea, but we're too good for that. We're too good to call people by names. They are what they are, end of story."

"O.K., horn dog, what's it to you who I dump? It's not like you know us, either of us. It's not even like you can begin to imagine the shit we went through." I notice his mouth a bit open, about to speak. "Stop thinking so hard."

"Horn dog, Manuella? Horn dog? I've been thinking of no woman but you. You broke my heart."

I stand up, suddenly repulsed more than I had been before. "Shove it Sully. Try your sob story on someone who wants to jump into bed with you. I'm not that girl anymore. I'm sorry I ever was."

I begin to walk away when I realize it. The relationship with Craig was not the pile of shit I had made it out to be. That relationship gave me confidence to just tell Sully off. Who was he to talk about Craig like that? He doesn't know Craig. He doesn't know how wonderful he is.

And, at the exact moment of epiphany, I turn into the hallway of Craig's locker. He stands there, holding my letter at arm's length, obviously confused. I turn and silently start outside again. It's time for me to head home.

_"But I've hidden a note, its pressed between pages,  
that you've marked to find your way back.  
It says, 'Does he ever get the girl?'"_

I bang my head on my locker over and over. Everyone's at lunch, or something. I see this note, but it looks like something I can put off, so I keep banging. Why on earth would anyone do a thing like I did to the person that I did it to?

There are the obvious conclusions. "Craig Manning, stunned by the impalpable beauty of Emma Nelson, has forfeited his identification card as part of the male species today. After an intense de-virginization, Craig left Emma alone in her basement, where she most likely cried herself to sleep. When asked why, Craig had no answers. Our resident psychiatrist, Dr. Joe, has come up with the conclusion that Emma was only attractive as an unattainable object, something his old girlfriend, Manny Santos, could not come close to. After attaining her, Craig felt the attraction ceased and made up a lame excuse to leave as soon as his own dick went limp."

No, no, no. All wrong. Emma is attractive! Emma is still unattainable! Emma needs me, and I need her. I just, had to leave. I felt like I was gonna throw up, or something. God. I don't know why I left. I don't know why I even did it. I didn't want to. I wanted a relationship without sex at the center of it.

What happened was so intense, that sex will always be a part of my relationship with Emma now. And I knew this! I knew it so well. So, why did I do it, you may ask. Well, if I knew, I wouldn't be standing in the middle of the hallway still banging my head against this locker.

Bang. Bang. Bang.

The headache grows increasingly more difficult to deal with, so I stop. I rip the note off the locker and open it. I read the words. Was this some kind of sick joke? Who knew? Who would do this to me?

This handwriting, so obviously feminine, could have come from Emma herself. Oh, God. Buckle your seatbelts, ladies and gentlemen, this is gonna be a bumpy ride.

_"But I've hidden a note, its pressed between pages,  
that you'll read if you're so inclined.  
'Does he ever get the girl?'"_

Fighting with Paige is as routine to me as eating a pop tart for breakfast. So why does this one feel so different? It's something about the look in her eyes when I made the joke. The way her entire face distorted and I felt like crumpling on the floor and dying. The way she made it sting this time worse than she ever could before.

The look on her face was real, and now I'm in real shit. How one little comment about me boning her could turn into this huge thing that might end up ruining our relationship, I'm not sure. Not saying I'm not totally ready for it, because I am. I've been her little lap dog for far too long now, and I've been looking for an easy way out for about half a year.

I've never been in another relationship that lasted half a year. I've been sustaining this one, this fake one, for that long. How's that for pathetic? Pathetic, sad, poor little Spinner. Who desperately needs spray cheese.

So I find myself alone in my kitchen, spraying the cheese. After a couple minutes of this, I move on to oreos and milk. I have the amazing ability to focus all of my energy on eating when I'm doing it. When I'm with other people, they have to talk or otherwise entertain themselves while eating. I am never bored while eating. I can sit at the kitchen counter for hours, eating and not paying attention to a thing around me.

So I tried to ignore the phone the first time it rang. The second time, I made a small effort to check the caller ID. Paige. So I ignored it again. The third time she called, I actually answered.

"Paige," I say, my mouth twitching, anxious to have food in it once more and not be wasting time on the pettiness of Paige Michalchuk.

"Spinner," she says, equally as unemotional. "I just wanted to make sure you're alright without me. That I won't have to deal with another suicide." My entire body flinches at this. I was never close to Ellie, but that was harsh. That was unnecessary, most definitely.

"Paige, I'm fine. It's been over for awhile." This sentence looms over the line, and I'm tempted to ask if she's still there.

"Yea, well, I know. I was just checking on you. I know it must be hard on someone like yourself." She doesn't even try to hide the bitchiness in her voice. Trying to get a rise out of me, eh? Well, it doesn't exactly work like that with Spinner Mason. Not with you. Nice try, Michalchuk.

"I really think I'm gonna make it." Without waiting for her response, I hang up.

I go back to my cookies, but soon Kendra walks in. Can a man not get some peace? "I heard about you and Paige," she says. She doesn't say it sympathy-like, how most sisters would, but she seems almost happy. I stand up and walk up to my room. All I wanted to do was eat.

_"But the hours they creep, the patterns repeat.  
Don't be concerned, I know I'll be fine on my own.  
I never said 'Don't go.'  
Don't go.  
'Does he ever get the girl?'"_


	10. Nothing Better

**This Brilliant Dance**

A/N: Sequel tis.

**Chapter 10: Nothing Better **a.k.a. May the Shit Hitteth the Fan

Disclaimer: FINALLY! I GET TO USE A POSTAL SERVICE SONG! 'Nothing Better' rights to The Postal Service. Song choice chosen VERY carefully and picked mostly because it itself is in two different point of views. I heart it. 'Degrassi' rights to CTV and Epitome pictures.

'Stalking' is the term generally used for what I'm doing right now. The parents are on a trip to B.C., most likely imbibing a lot of alcohol and, in general, trying to drink away their life and son that they left on damn Degrassi Street. Unfortunately for them, they also left car keys to my mom's Passat. So, I climbed behind the wheel and took off.

It's not like anyone will care if I'm caught. It's not like anyone will know enough to catch me. So, I drive. I drive to her house, and I see her leaving. So, I follow. A safe distance behind, making turns a good 30 seconds after her. "JT, we need some time apart," she said. "I still love you, and I want nothing more than to be with you, always. My family's just on my ass more and more, and sometimes I feel like I can't be the great girlfriend you deserve. Give me a little time and a little space, and I swear we can try again."

I didn't argue because I'm too emotionally drained to argue. I smiled weakly and walked out of her house, but not out of her life. I watch her when she thinks she's alone, and I find myself being more of a recluse, wondering always where she is and who she's with. Thus the stalking. I watch her car pull into the one driveway I would give my left leg to never see again. I pass by a few times, slowly, finally seeing her go inside.

Ashley walks into the parentless sex pad of Sean Cameron. I cringe at the thought. Not my Ashley. Not my baby. She would never be with him, not even if they were the last people on earth. Right? Right?

I park in an empty lot caddy corner to his house and watch. Lights are turned on, only to be turned off minutes later. I sit and watch, the music flowing gently in and out of my ears, but I don't pay it any mind. I imagine all the things she's doing with him. Are they the same that she does with me? Does she even care that I'm waiting for her? I'm waiting, and she's with Sean.

I feel the tear wet my cheek, but I don't will it to be there. I don't want to cry over this, but my body decides it should. I feel more and more tears come, like a river. I've never cried like this. Not by myself. I let myself cry with Ashley because she understood. Didn't she understand? She did. Now she doesn't. She's changed in a few short weeks. Is this a side effect of her meds? She'll change back eventually, and I'll be here.

My body forces sleep, but I don't give up without a fight. Slowly, I drift off and am suddenly jerked awake by the sound of my own horn. My face flushes as I realize what I've done, and I finally turn on the car and leave.

...It takes four days and fourteen hours to work up the nerve to knock on her door. Toby ushers me inside and lays me down, scared for my life. I must look a little ragtag; I haven't noticed. He covers me in blankets, and my body finally registers temperature, telling me how cold I am. I haven't eaten in these four days, and I guess I look a little malnourished. I still don't see why Toby's making such a big deal out of it. I don't hear him call Ashley, but she runs down and kneels next to me in a hurry, so he must've told her. She kisses my hand and my arm but not my lips. I cannot eat unless I can taste a kiss from you, Ashley, darling, love. I feel a stick go into my mouth, then it's pulled out, and Toby reads a number. Ashley starts to wail. Stop wailing, I want to tell her, but my mouth is stuck shut. Ashley reaches out and pets my head. Sticks and leaves from when I slept outside their house are pushed into my skull. My body cries out in pain, but I don't cry out audibly. I just keep staring. I don't want saved. I want Ashley to carry me up to her room and make love to me like we have before. I want to swap souls with her and live in her immortal body. Am I dreaming, or did my toe just fall off? Well, that's crazy talk. My toe didn't just fall off. Right? Right? I feel Ashley's arm wrap around me in her feeble attempt to warm me. I know that even our inevitable soul swapping couldn't warm me up now. I haven't ever been this cold. It's a cold that gnaws into your bones and you can feel icicles begin to burrow in the spots between where there are cells. I guess that's what sleeping outside in the middle of December will do for you. Suddenly, distant sirens are heard, and I realize that Toby, in his most vicious act of backstabbing ever, has called 9-1-1. He's trying to take me away from Ashley! I'll never be warm if you do that! I'll never be back to normal! You're taking me away! Why? Help! I force my mouth to become unstuck. "No," I say weakly as the EMT lifts me up. "No," I say weakly as they rest me on a stretcher. "No," I say weakly as they lift me into the ambulance. But I have one shred of hope left. Before I pass out cold, I look around and realize Ashley's in the ambulance with me. I gather my strength and manage a smile, but that small act has tired me out. I wish I was in her body now, able to have the strength to smile with my teeth. She's still holding on to my hand, but I barely realize this since I cannot feel my hands. The room suddenly starts to spin, and I try to focus on Ashley. That works for a little while, but as the tubes and needles penetrate my skin, I feel my vision lose the war. I let my eyes close, and I let myself sleep. It'll be all better when I wake up. I'll be in her body when I wake up. It'll all be better.

_"Would someone please call a surgeon,  
who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart,  
that you're deserting for better company?  
I can't accept that it's over,  
and I will block the door  
like a goalie tending the net  
in the third quarter  
of a tied game rivalry."_

"JT, wake up!" I cry, but it's no use. He's lifeless on my couch. Not totally lifeless, since I can still detect a faint pulse. I'm shaking and screaming but nothing is making his eyes even flutter. "Toby, call an ambulance!" I cry. He mumbles something, and I see him disappear. I hold JT, hoping for any sign that he's still with us.

I have nothing to do, so I slowly pick out the leaves and sticks from his hair. I feel blood on my fingers a few times, but I wipe it on the back of my jeans and continue. When will the ambulance come? When will he wake up?

And all the while, my guilty conscience is screaming at the top of its lungs at me. LOOK WHAT YOU DID. YOU AND YOUR DAMN LIES. YOU AND SEAN. YOU. YOU. HE'S DYING AND IT'S YOUR FAULT. YOU FUCKED SOMEONE ELSE WHILE HE LOVED YOU. HE DID NOTHING WRONG. ALL HE DID WAS LOVE YOU. AND NOW HE'S DYING AND THERE'S NO ONE TO BLAME BUT YOU. AND YOU KNOW IT.

The tears are coming stronger and faster. "JT!" I yell louder and louder. His eyes are open, but there's no other sign that he's alive. Even his eyes look lifeless. We both hear the sirens in the distance, and his eyes that looked so lifeless before, turn even colder.

They run into the house, and so many people order me back that I knock over the coffee table jumping up. I see his lips move and finally form the word "no." Please, let them help you. I can't help you. I can't do anything. I'm such an awful person. A man grabs me by the arm since I must be gawking and leads me outside. I see mouths move, but I can't hear a thing. Except, every once in a while, the word "no" coming from his lips. A man looks determined to get a message across to me, so I block out the rest of the world to try to listen. I still can't hear him, so I nod. He shoves me into the back of the ambulance right before the doors slam shut.

I grab on to his hand and try to avoid the men trying to resuscitate him. I stare into his huge brown eyes. Everything around us is fuzzy, but we're not. We're here and we're together. Then I see him slowly drift away.

They come to a crashing stop in front of the door to the ER. The men push past me and get JT out on his stretcher. I chase after them all the way to the door of the operating room, where a rather large nurse stops me. "Can't go in there," she says.

"But... but... I have to! I did that to him!" I cry. Doesn't she understand? She gives me a questioning look and turns around to see what's been done to him. She shakes her head slowly.

"No one did that to him," she says quietly, leading me by the arm out to the waiting room. "It's not your fault." She doesn't understand, she's too ungodly stupid. She sits me on an uncomfortable couch. I immediately contort my body into the fetal position in a corner. I stare at the walls, thinking that someone will come talk to me soon. Where is Toby? Where's Kate and Jeff? Where are JT's parents? I stare down the hall where I know he is. I need to be with him. Damn that nurse. Damn her to hell.

"LET ME GO SEE HIM!" I scream. She looks up and shakes her head. "Please, I'll, I'll do anything." She smiles sweetly, too sweet a look to give to an attempted murderer, and she shakes her head again. I silently curse her again.

I don't know what time it is. 2? 3? All I know is that I was asleep when Toby screamed my name, and it was dark when I went outside. I don't think I'm tired, but my body is closing my eyes. I'm either tired or bored, and my brain only has one thing it wants to do. But I can't sleep. I'll never sleep. Never again. Not after what I did to him. I BROKE HIM.

She brings me a blanket and covers my entire body. I didn't realize that I was shaking from the cold. I look into her eyes and see sympathy. I shouldn't. I should see hate. Did you see that boy in there? I DID THAT TO HIM. IT IS MY FAULT. STOP TELLING ME OTHERWISE.

Finally, I decide to let my body win. I look around again, still expecting to see a familiar face, but no one is here. I don't know why. He's dying. Doesn't anyone care? And then the room goes black.

_"So just say how to make it right,  
and I swear I'll do my best to comply."_

"Emma," I whisper into the nothingness of my garage. A soft breeze answers me. How could I have been so blind? I need to see her.

I pull off the blankets and scan over my outfit. I was wrinkled and mismatched. An all around mess. But I decide to go like this so I won't risk an encounter with Joey.

I find myself at her house in the dead of night, knocking lightly at her basement window. Knock knock pause knock knock. Finally, I see a light turn on. She opens the window for me and lets me in. After I climb in, I feel the silence settle like a burden on my shoulders. I open my mouth to let the air out. My heart beats faster and faster waiting for her to speak. It becomes painfully obvious in the next few seconds as I realize she's giving me the silent treatment. Looks are exchanged.

"Emma, I..." I start, but I don't know what to say. I don't know how to apologize. I guess I've never been good at that. I suck in air. "I'm sorry. I guess... I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm in love with you, and I'm scared of this feeling. I'm scared that I might lose you, or you might wake up next to me and see me for who I am. And I'm scared you might finally see how much better than me you are. I'm scared you'll leave."

Her expression softens. "You'll always have me, Craig," she whispers. "Always. I love you. I don't remember a time where I didn't love you." Her arms around me is the most comforting feeling in the world. I smile and tilt my head back, breathing in every ounce of her being. I take her to her bed and lay her down.

I crawl into bed behind her and wrap my arms around her waist. I can feel her shivering, so I squeeze harder. I hear her breathing soundly. That's when I realize it. I realize that I could never hurt Em, that I want to be with her forever. Forever's such a huge word when you're such a young kid. However, forever is what I feel. And I have the general consensus of my gut that this time, forever will happen.

_"Tell me, am I right to think that there could be nothing better,  
than making you my bride and slowly growing old together?"_

She comes to my house in tears and immediately I spot the dreaded suitcase. "It's not, it's not for forever," she says, and my sigh of relief is audible. I then see the tears coming down her face hard, and I feel a pang of guilt in my stomach.

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

She nods. She doesn't have the strength to fight me, I can tell. She walks straight into my room and collapses onto my bed. "He... he had a breakdown," she says, the sobs choking her up a bit.

"JT?" I ask.

"Yea," she answers.

I sit on the edge of the bed with my head in my hands. "That sucks." I glance back at her and notice the faded string still on her ring finger. "Are you ever gonna take that off?" I ask.

She glances at where I'm looking and then lets her gaze rest on the ceiling again. "I don't know," she answers, and I feel my anger building. "Sean, I broke him. You didn't see him. He looked dehydrated and malnourished. His entire body was either dirty or bloody. Leaves and sticks stuck to his hair and clothes. But the scariest part were his eyes. His eyes... they looked like they had the life sucked out of them. Have you ever had to deal with the guilt of breaking a person like that? You know, Jimmy did it to me once. Not as bad as this, but he did it. I thought, it must be sooo easy for him. But I never saw. I never saw the pain he had to deal with, for me. You can't understand Sean. You can't understand until you break someone."

Typical Ashley. Things are peachy keen the whole time we're having sex behind her boyfriend's back. Then, she gets the nerve to leave him, and the loser has a mental breakdown. That can't be all her, obviously there's something else there. So, she feels sorry for herself and wants me to feel sorry for her, too. Well that just won't work. Not on me. Not for her. Not today. "Yea, Ash, you did leave him. But that's your right. Why should you stay in a relationship that's not working for you? Trust me, staying would've just made things worse on everyone. JT would've eventually had this breakdown even if you did stand by his side."

She stands and storms around the room. "You know what, Sean? You are such a selfish, selfish asshole. I can't believe I even came here to be comforted. Fuck you. I hope you drop dead." Finally, she picks up her bag and dramatically opens the door.

I decide to take her bait. "Ash, stop," I say. Leaving her hand on the knob, she turns and faces me. I want nothing more than to let her walk out, but I know I'd regret that later. "You're right, I don't know what it feels like." Suddenly, thoughts of Emma fill my head, but I push them as far out as I can. You broke Emma, Sean. No. Stop it. "I'm sorry."

She lets the bag drop. "I need to get home anyways," she says. "Tonight's my last night. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I need to move in." Without another word, she vanishes. I tilt my head back in frustration and scream. Exactly what I need.

_"I feel I must interject here.  
You're getting carried away  
feeling sorry for yourself  
with these revisions and gaps in history._"

Long fights. That's all my day has been since it started by fighting to bring JT back to normal. After that, I came home to Kate and Jeff telling me they had to search my room. Needless to say, they found more than just condoms. They found my medication, some illegal drugs, and a few knives and sharp objects I had used right after Ellie died to lessen the pain. They sat me down and told me they couldn't have me in their house anymore. It was either a total rehab clinic, or I need to leave.

They're being nicer about the whole thing than I expected. They're even letting me keep the car if I promise to slowly pay it off. Kate was hysterical the whole time, crying and begging me to get help. I told her that if she hadn't given me the option, I would've run away. I know that they would've found me, though, so it was good I didn't have to.

Then the fight with Sean. I'm starting to wonder if he understands me as much as I need him to. I don't have much of a choice, though. It's either try to make this relationship work or be forced to go to a rehabilitation clinic, which really isn't an option at all. So, I have to leave a half dead ex-love(although the 'ex' feeling isn't mutual) to fend for himself while I go live with Sean. Damnit. How could I ever think this was going to be easy?

There's this unwritten rule between me and Toby that kind of formed itself after my shitty grade 8 year. We're allowed to have total breakdowns on each other, and it will never be mentioned again. Tonight, my room is a complete disaster. The bed's already been moved, and the mattress is covered in boxes. I find myself in Toby's room and crawl under the covers since he has such a big bed.

He looks over and down on me. "What's going on?" he asks. I know he wants to know for JT, for himself, but mostly, for me. I curl into the fetal position.

"Toby, I don't know anymore. Things happened. I've been with Sean for awhile now, don't tell JT, please, it will make him even worse. You don't have to blame me, I already blame myself. Please don't try to make me feel guilty. I hate myself for doing this. But I don't have a chance. Kate and Jeff said that if I don't get out on my own accord, that I'd have to go to a nut house. Toby, you know me. You know I can't go there."

"I know, shh, Ash, it's all gonna be ok," he whispers.

Nothing's going to ever be O.K. Or fine. Or good. Or wonderful. I thought after today that I wouldn't have any tears left, but I was wrong. Toby's pillow absorbs each tear without protest, and for that, I'm grateful. "I don't know how we're going to survive. I'm so scared."

"Ashley, you're so resourceful. I don't have to worry about you. I know that. I just don't want you, to, well, be corrupted by him."

I know he's right, but I can't accept that. I can't accept that Sean still does those things. Not after Ellie. Not after everything. "Sean's a good kid. You just need to give him a chance."

"I know. I'll try, Ash. I promise." We sit in silence for awhile, and I think he might've fallen asleep. But, soon enough, he starts to ask more questions. "Are you going to get married?" he asks, but I don't think he's really asking that. Can he be? Is that possible?

I snort my laugh comes out so fast. "What? Of course not! That's insane. Why would we? We've barely been together, at all. I mean, three months ago, I agreed to marry JT."

"What?" It's his turn to be surprised. I nod slowly. "My best friend, and my step-sister, couldn't have dreamt that one up if I tried."

I laugh slightly, looking down at the faded string turned ring on my ring finger. "I didn't mean to," I finally say. "I didn't mean to hurt him like that. I didn't mean to fall for Sean. It wasn't planned. Some things, just happen."

"I'm not saying you did."

"I know, Tobes, I know. I just, don't know what J.'s going to do next."

I hear air pass through his lips sharply. "Contrary to popular belief, you aren't the end all and be all of JT. He survived 15 years without you in his life, and I'm sure he'll find a way to continue his life without you. I'll help him, I promise."

Suddenly, for the first time all day, a tidal wave of calm and relief floods over me. "You're the best, Tobes. I'm sorry I have to leave."

"Hey, you're not dying or anything. I'll still see you in school."

"Of course," I say, and my body finally gives in to sleep.

_"So let me help you remember.  
I've made charts and graphs  
that should finally make it clear;  
I've prepared a lecture  
on why I have to leave.  
So please back away and let me go."_

It's so weird. I always thought that I was the catch. Paige Michalchuk, all around perfect human being, teenage girl. Beautiful body built up well by cheering, toothy smile I would flash to (almost) anyone, hair that bounces almost as much as I do, and the best fashion taste at Degrassi. Any guy would be lucky to have me, right?

Not Spinner Mason. He's too damn good for me now. I built him up, and now he can tear me down. In what galaxy is that the least bit fair? How could an arrogant, smart aleck with a can of spray cheese tear down the goddess-esque being of Paige Michalchuk? I've debated the subject with Hazel many times, and have come to a few conclusions, which I shall list now.

1. The aerosol from so many cans of spray cheese have finally gotten to his head.

2. He's been spending so much time around Marco and my brother, that he finally realized he is gay.

3. He had his dick cut off in a freak lumber jacking competition and is too much of a pussy to tell me.

Still, I find myself at his doorstep, trying to find the real reason. Paige Michalchuk is groveling. Take a picture, it'll last longer. "Honeybee!" I say, throwing my arms around him, acting as though nothing has happened. Maybe he'll play along. Maybe we're fine. Who knows?

"Paige, what are you doing here?" he asks, taking my arms off his shoulders. "You shouldn't be here. I don't want to see you."

"Spin, hun, come on!" my voice is cheery and lighthearted, not letting on that he affected me in the least.

"Paige, get over it. We weren't meant to be. Come on, this can't be the end of your world. I'm sure there are plenty of other guys you can date. We just weren't cut out for each other. Sorry." He closes the door, and I'm left on his porch, alone, mouth gaping.

But he doesn't understand. He doesn't understand that I can't just move on. It's not that easy. I've built my life up to this point around him. Can Spinner go? Will Spin mind if we don't take him? How will Spinner deal with this? The questions plague me still. I knock again. I'm not giving up that easily. Not for the life of me.

_"I can't my darling;  
I love you so."_

I walk into the waiting room. It's the middle of the night, and I know people will look at me strange. I can't stop walking. I reach the nurse's station. "JT Yorke," I say deliberately.

"Son, visiting hours are over," the woman says sternly. "It's the middle of the night. Go home."

I nod my head. "Well, see, I need his room number so I can tell my class tomorrow. I'm sorry, I haven't introduced myself. I'm Sean Cameron," I stick out my hand and shake her's. "I'm in JT's class. I was asked yesterday to find out the room number so a few classmates can visit. However, I wasn't feeling well earlier, but I really don't want to go back tomorrow without it. Please, miss, it would mean a lot."

She looks down on me and scrutinizes me. I can tell this is 'strictly against hospital policy' by the look on her face. However, her look softens, and she turns to her computer. Click click click on the keyboard. A few seconds later, she looks back. "118," she says.

"Thank you so much, ma'am," I say. I turn and leave, but I also scan room numbers close to me. 101 and ascending. His room isn't anywhere near here. I can get into it. Easily. I make my way to another hospital door. I slyly make my way to his room, but it's not hard at all. I think about knocking but decide against it. I push his door open, and I'm not ready at all for what I see.

His bruised and underweight body lies with what seems like millions of tubes going into him. His entire body makes me cringe, and I'm lucky he's sleeping so I don't have to see the eyes that Ashley had talked about.

I see a chair in the corner and make my way to it. I sit down quietly and stare at him. At some point, I fall asleep. I'm not sure when. I wake up at 6 in the morning to the door creaking open slightly. I look up, and Ashley's standing there, flowers in her hands. Her beautiful, delicate hands. "Sean," she mumbles. "Why are you here?"

"I'm here to be a friend," I say. I doubt he's even been awake at all for her. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here," she says, stiffening her back, "I'm here to say goodbye."

At that moment, a new feeling overcomes me. It's something like relief and joy and happiness. I run over to her and wrap my arms around her. Her stiff body becomes relaxed in my arms. I kiss the top of her head. "I'm sorry. I want you with me. I want you to move in."

She looks up into my eyes. "Well, you didn't really have a choice."

We both laugh lightly, only to be disrupted by JT stirring. I take the hint that Ashley is giving me and walk outside. I sit in the waiting room for about twenty minutes, avoiding the stares the nurse is giving me. As I start to seriously wonder if Ashley wants to go to school today or not, she walks out. "Ready?" she asks. I nod.

"What did you talk about?" I ask.

"JT and I?" I nod again. "I ended it. I told him about us. I just hope it wasn't too soon."

I wrap an arm around her. "JT's going to be alright," I assure her. "And so are we." And for the first time in a long time, I believe the words coming out of my mouth. I'm starting to fall in love with this girl. I'm still scared, but only scared that she might not feel as strongly as I do.

_"Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better,  
than making you my bride and slowly growing old together?"_

I thought I could do this. I thought guilt wasn't a factor in my life. I thought I could leave the past in the past.

But I was so wrong.

Every little task reminds me of Sean. Every time Dylan grabs my hand, I imagine Sean doing the same thing. I expect to hear Sean's voice every time I pick up the phone. You're not dating Sean, I remind myself daily. You're dating Dylan, and you love him.

You love him, so you must tell him the truth. This thought plays itself over and over like a broken record. I walk up the stairs of the Michalchuk home. I pass pictures on the wall of Paige and Dylan over the years. I see the most recent, Dylan's senior picture. It's made me swoon more times that I can count. My feet make it to the top of the stairs, down the hall, in front of his door. My hand makes the knocking sound.

Footsteps. Deep breaths. Doorknob turning. Hyperventilating. Open door. Wide mouth. Hand grabbing. Stepping inside. Sympathies. Confessions.

It all comes pouring out of me. The feelings. The kiss. The thoughts. The days spent on the roof. The rocks. The rocks? The overdrive of emotions.

His face stays straight. Poker face, damn him. He shows absolutely no emotion, and somehow, that's worse than anger. I fall backwards onto his bed. He climbs over me, playfully. Why so playfully? He kisses my neck. Why? "Dylan, stop," I plead, but he's stronger, and he doesn't want to stop. "Dylan, no!" I'm struggling now, struggling for air, for freedom. Nothing can save me. I'm sorry.

"Marco, what's wrong?" he asks, stopping. I breathe out quickly and heavily.

"What's wrong with you?" I scream back. "I just admitted that I was with Sean, and you act like there's no problem!"

"Well, I don't really care," he says, going after me again. "You didn't think we were exclusive, did you?" I feel my heart hit the floor at the pace of a million miles a second. "I mean," he tries catching himself, but it doesn't work. "Marco, you know you're my number one. My go to guy. You know that I love you. I LOVE you, Marco. You're the first person I've ever loved. But, with every other guy I dated, it was kind of, ya know, an unwritten rule that we could be with other people, as long as it didn't mean anything. We just didn't talk about it. I thought that we were... like that."

I want to die. I want to kill him and myself. Unwritten rule? What the hell? "No, Dylan, it wasn't like that," I say standing up.

"What's your damage? You were with Sean, remember?"

"If you did love me, you would be pissed about that," I retort. I start walking out the door when he grabs me and turns me around.

"Don't walk out on me, Marco. Never walk out on me," he says through gritted teeth. I want to scream for help, but I am so scared. "I won't be with anyone else. But you can't leave. We can run away together and be life partners. Whatever. But don't walk out on me. Not now. Please, Marco. Please don't."

"I need time to think," I say through sobs. I want to die.

_"Don't you feed me lies about some idealistic future.  
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures."_

"You didn't think we were exclusive, did you?" The line taunts me. Why on earth would I say that? I just ruined the best thing in my life. I can't believe myself.

'Time to think' is always code for 'time to think about how to break up with you.' I don't blame him. After that little, alright huge, fight, I would never want to talk to me again either. Why did I say those things? I can't believe it. I can't believe I would assume that he would know all about the gay world. I was the poor kid's first boyfriend. And he is my first love. Love. Love I was capable of fucking up pretty bad.

I don't mean to be a stalker, but I can't take my thoughts off of the boy. I drive to his house and see his sister laying out in the yard. "Dylan Michalchuk!" she says, as giddy as any other teenage girl, as she runs over to my car. "Marco is..." her eyebrows bunch in an effort to remember. "Marco's thinking," she says, finally remembering.

I laugh a little to myself. Of course I knew that. "Do you know where he might be?" I ask.

She looks behind her to make sure no one's listening. "Um, well, you could try... Here, let me write down the address, you've never heard of it, I'm sure. It's just a little shop we go to all the time in downtown. He absolutely loves it there." Her hands scratch numbers and letters in what seemed like no real order on the back of a gas receipt I had in the car. "It's called 'Trinity.' If he's not there, I'm out of guesses."

I thank her and drive towards the city. I stop in front of the desolate building and wonder if maybe Marco's sister was playing some sort of joke. I park the car and walk towards it uneasily. I push open the door and am instantly greeted with the sounding of a bell and a ginger-like smell. It looks completely deserted except for a lonely cashier. She smiles at me. I feel bad and have nothing to do with the rest of my day, so I walk over. "Hi! Can I help you with anything?"

I shrug lightly. I lean over the counter looking down through the glass. There are about 700 different types of sunglasses. I guess I should buy something; it might keep the place in business. I ask her to see a pair of blue tinted glasses, and she hurriedly agrees. "Those look very cute on you," she says through a huge grin.

"Thanks," I answer. "How much?"

"Twenty."

"I'll take them." They aren't too horribly expensive, and I could always use another pair of sunglasses.

At that exact moment, Marco walks out of a back room. After the curtain is closed again, I can see a lop-sided sign that says "Fitting Rooms." He gives me a strange look and walks up next to me, setting his clothes on the counter. "How did you know I would be here?" he asks.

I can play out the dumb approach - I come here all the time, how did YOU know I would be here? No, I guess I've lied enough. "Your sister told me," I say.

"Oh. Traitor." He smiles a bit, his toothy smile, and my heart melts again.

I grab his hands and lead him back into the dressing room. The cashier gives us a knowing smile, but she turns back to her magazine instead of protesting. "Marco, I am so sorry. You can't even imagine. If I thought that I was hurting you one bit, I would have never even thought about it. No, I didn't think. I know. I was so stupid. I wish I could take it all back. I'm not asking for things to go back to the way they were. I know that's a lot to give me. I just want another chance. I want to show you that I can be trusted. I will do anything for you, Marco. If you want the moon, just say the word."

His eyes are brimming with tears, so I do the thing I do best in the world. I reach out and hold my beloved. He gently pushes me aside. "I'm always going to love you," he says, his voice trying hard not to crack. "But give it time." He walks past me, and all I can hear is the distant ringing of a bell.

So I'm left with nothing but a pair of cheap sunglasses. Oh well, I can always use another pair of sunglasses.

_"I know that I have made mistakes,  
and I swear I'll never wrong you again."_

How can she care this much? She's gorgeous and has tough skin. She should be able to deal with this. I was. She should be able to bounce back. Instead, I hear her knocking, again and again.

I stare at the door, unmoving. Kendra walks in. "Aren't you going to get that?" she hisses. I glance up at her and back to the door. "Fine," she says in a huff. I mean to stop her, but my body won't move.

"Kenny, hun, can I come in for the briefest second?" I hear Paige ask.

"Paigey, hun, what do you want?"

"What's her damage?" Paige remarks once she's out of earshot.

"What's your's?" I immediately snap back.

"That angsty and scarred attitude is so last year."

"You're even more shallow than I remember."

"I'm not shallow. You haven't given me a chance to redeem myself. I'm sorry, Spin. I really am. Is that what you want?"

"Paige, hun, please leave. That's what will make me happy."

She picks up a small figurine my mom has on the front table and hurls it at me. I duck just in time. "What the hell, Spin? I devoted my fucking life to you, and this is what I get? This... shit? I would've done anything for you. Anything."

Not anything. But that's not important. "You need to leave now," I say again.

"Or what Spin? You'll throw me out?" I nod. "You and what army?"

"Oh, hun, never mess with the Masons. We are an army," Kendra says walking in behind me. I've never been particularly glad to have a sister, but I am so much at this moment. She holds out our cordless phone threateningly. "9-1-1 only takes half a second to dial," she says. Paige glares at me one last time before turning on her heel and leaving. For good, I hope.

_"You've got a lure I can't deny,  
but you've had your chance  
so say goodbye.  
Say goodbye."_


	11. Alive

**This Brilliant Dance**

A/N: Just let me finish this out. The sequel is already in the works. I feel like I left Marco and Dylan on a really bad note and didn't do justice to what I was really trying to get across. (Hint: Dylan's not a good guy . . . the scene I wrote in Chapter 10 was meant to be almost a rape scene before Dylan got a hold of himself and let Marco go. If you didn't see this, rewind yourself to chapter 10 and find that part and re-read it.) I think this is going to be the final chapter of This Brilliant Dance. Look forward to a sequel. I am going on vacation for a week, but by the time I get back, I should have plenty of fresh ideas that I can't wait to pour out. Get ready and get set and keep checking out my stories. R/R.

Disclaimer: 'Alive' belongs to SR-71. 'Degrassi: The Next Generation' belongs to CTV and Epitome Pictures. Greatest love to everyone involved.

**Chapter 11: Alive**

I can't say exactly what drew me back to Dylan. It must be old memories; the thought that the Dylan that showed himself at his house that day couldn't possibly be the Dylan Michalchuk I know. However, I know this is a lie. I want Dylan, need Dylan, and there's no way I can keep living without him.

So I block out the fights. I hide the bruises, and I tune out any conversations about Rick and Terri. That was different. Rick is psychotic. He has so many neuroses. Dylan Michalchuk is a Degrassi God. His homosexuality is his only flaw to his followers, and I am his trophy wife. We are the poster gay couple. There's nothing wrong with that, except behind the scenes, we're anything but perfect.

Yes, he's hit me. Yes, I've cried. Yes, he even raped me once or twice. It's nothing he can control. His temper grabs a hold of the controls. I can't stop him; my love can't stop him. Eventually, he'll become himself again, and we'll smile and giggle; the real world not even coming close to penetrating our bubble.

I needed a way out. The cheating was it. I cheated, he cheated, and all around, it was a total basis for a horrible break-up. And then I saw him in the store, and I crumbled. Our love is too strong. Our love can overcome anything. It won't always be like this. He tells me. He's never lied before. I love him, and he loves me. We've both made mistakes because we're not perfect. It's easy to hide our fights from the world. It's easy to be the poster gay couple. We play the role to a 'T.'

So I hide. I hide with him. I hide under his covers in a game of hide-and-go-seek. The game turns rough and physical, but I'm so used to this, that I don't even think of it as wrong anymore. "Marco, I love you," he breathes.

I have nothing to say, so I don't say a word. Love is a concept thought up for a child. Love is what you have for your family. Love is not what Dylan and I have. I used to be a hopeless romantic. Now, I'm just a bitter realist with a burning hatred for all the happy people. Happiness is an illusion. Everyone wants to seem happy while they destroy themselves. I'm one of these people. I'm one of the fuck ups.

I crawl out of the bed later feeling dirty. I want to be with Sean, but I force the thought to the back of my head. "Only you and me baby," he says, kissing my hand gently. How can this gentle creature hurt me like he does? Obviously, he can't. Why do I keep thinking that this, my Dylan, is the one that hits me? It can't be.

I try to leave, but a hand grabs on to my arm and won't let go. "Please Dylan, stop Dylan, please," I whimper. It's all useless; I know it already. As I'm sucked back under the sheets, my tears tell me all I need to know: I need to get out.

"_All he's asking is for a little more time,  
to walk away from his anger,  
and leave the bruises far behind."_

"There's no way you can do this," I say, my voice radiating throughout the whole room.

"I'm sorry," she says. "I'm sorry."

"Please don't go. You're my everything. I have nothing to live for if you aren't in my life. Don't you see? Don't you see it?" I cry softly.

"I have to go now. Sean's waiting."

The truth is I know all of this. I know Ashley's been with Sean, and the fact that this started while we were still dating isn't exactly the shock of the century. I can't move from the bed, but I try. "You can't go. You can't leave me here with nothing."

"JT, please," I see the tears she's trying to hide. "This is so hard for me. Do you think I have a choice?"

"Yes, Ash, I do. We can all choose what we want to happen in our own lives."

"That's bull shit, JT, and you know it," she snaps.

"Tell me why you can't stay."

"If I don't move out, they'll send me to rehab. I can't go there. You know I'm not crazy, don't you? Well, yea, that's where they want me. However, since my mom is a lot better than I thought she would be, they're giving me the option of moving out. So, I'm moving in with Sean. I'm sorry, but I have nowhere else to go. It's either this or rehab."

"I can't believe you. You need help. You know that! You need help; you don't need to be messing around with someone like Sean Cameron. Sean Cameron doesn't give a rat's tail about anyone but his own self. Ashley, come on, be reasonable. He doesn't love you like I do. He never will."

"You don't know me at all. Everyone thinks I'm just some damn sensitive baby. I'm not crazy. I'm not. Sean knows I'm not. It seems like sometimes, he's the only one. I can't be with someone who thinks I'm crazy. I'm leaving JT."

My heart stops as I see her open the door to my hospital room. "Please don't go. You're not crazy." But it's too late. She's too far gone.

"_She won't talk about it;  
She's made up her mind.  
When the front door shuts behind her,  
she whispers 'give me a sign…'"_

I can't believe I'm doing this. My parent's car, the open road, a bottle of vodka… It's probably not the best combination in the world, I will admit. There's nothing left in Degrassi for me anymore. I had one love. One love that so obviously didn't love me back. I have no one anymore. My best friend, my Emma, stole my one love away from me. And I didn't care.

The fact that I didn't care is the scary part. I watched it unfold underneath my nose, and I didn't care. I could've stopped it so many times, but I didn't. Maybe it would've happened anyway. But, maybe not.

I hit the gas, and the car makes it to 80. I don't dare go faster; I can't get caught. I stare at my cell phone, willing it to ring. No one cares enough to call. Who do I want to call? Do I want Craig to call, so I can suddenly have all these feelings for him? Do I want Emma to call, so I can have a much deserved apology? Do I want my parents to call, so I can at least know someone has noticed a missing girl? I doubt they'd even care about me as much as they care about the car gone missing. I sigh and realize I've accelerated to 90. I slow down a little and am thankful that no cops are around.

After four hours, I decide to stop in a motel parking lot. The motel is seedy, but I probably don't have enough money for a room. I crawl into the backseat and curl up under a blanket. I wake again at sun up, and I'm on the road again by 7.

I start to seriously worry as I near the U.S. border that I've been trying to avoid. I stare at my cell phone again disbelievingly. No one has called in over a day. No one's even called to say hi. It's so disappointing. Does no one in the world care about Manuela Santos? Is she a ghost to everyone?

Suddenly, I hear my new Beyonce ring tone, and my ears perk up. I pick up my phone and check the caller ID. I'm in such disbelief that I almost wreck. I balance my car again and put my phone to my ear.

It's Spinner Mason.

"_She feels the power of the engine,  
As she climbs to 65.  
And every piston sounds like freedom.  
And every white line says goodbye."_

I sit by Ellie's gravestone, squeezing the life out of it. Praying that somehow I'd be able to find the answers here. Praying that someday I may be able to live my life without the constant thoughts of what could've been. But I know why she left.

I made her leave. I lied to her, and there was a horrible incident in which I cut her worse than she ever could cut herself. I have tried to bury the flashback to the deep abyss of my head, but it never seems to work. Her tears and look of utter confusion pierce through me like a sharpened blade through her perfect skin. "Why Sean? Why?" It's a horrible question. I have no idea what came over me.

She found out. She saw me looking at a guy in a way that I shouldn't. I don't know if she knew, but there was definitely the seed of the thought. So, it made me angry. And I was drunk. Not quite the best combination for me.

Deep down, there was still some love or sympathy. I could be in juve right now serving a pretty hefty term if she had wanted to prosecute. I even heard she lied to protect me.

I feel footsteps behind me and turn around, half expecting to see Ashley. "Ellie?" I ask to the approaching figure. She sits cross-legged directly in front of me. "You can't be here. You're dead. Don't you know you're supposed to be dead?"

"Death is trivial," she says flippantly. "I see everything."

"Everything?" I say, choking on the word.

"I don't watch the private stuff. It doesn't really interest me anymore."

"This is crazy. I'm hallucinating."

"Why, yes, Sean, that's exactly what you're doing. But I'm sure it would help you to talk to me. You never know if I'm real or not."

"Alright. So, why did you lie for me? I could've killed you."

She laughs. "Sean, I'm dead now anyways, a few months and the means of passing don't really matter anyway, right?"

"I couldn't be more responsible if I had put the exhaust in your car myself."

"You're talking crazy. I was demented. I couldn't be saved. Ashley can."

"What?"

"Ashley. She's doing rather badly. JT's got her pretty shook up. Don't let it get to her. This omnipotent power of being dead is really helpful sometimes. That kid had in coming. His drunken parents, his screwed up social skills; almost anyone could've predicted it. Ashley only delayed the inevitable."

"Sometimes it seems like JT saved her, and then I came to reclaim an easier version of her. I don't want that guilt."

"Sean, it's not. After what I put her through, which I've had a ton of time to think about, she's worse off than she was before JT. She needs you now. Don't let her go."

"So, wait, you're alright with us?"

"You need each other. Someone else may claim they need you, and they may have good reason, but remember Ashley. Remember what she gave up for you. You can give it up for her, too. Please, remember."

"I will, El. I love you."

"I love you too, Sean. Good night."

Her footsteps trail silently off. The alarm wakes me up, and I look over and see Ashley stirring a little. I lean down and kiss her forehead. "Good morning, baby," she says.

"Good morning, Ash," I answer. I tilt my head back so I'm staring at the ceiling. She's always so right.

"_But she finds strength in her anger,  
And the truth in his lies.  
When the last scar finally fades,  
She'll have a new life."_

Memories of all of my past relationships haunt me. My first love, Jimmy Brooks. What went wrong? At what point were silly kisses and puppy dog affection not good enough? Jimmy broke me. He shattered me, to be completely correct. I watched it happen, and I allowed it to happen. I don't blame him anymore; in fact Jimmy and I are completely civil. But what would have happened if the old Ashley Kerwin had denied Jimmy Brooks access to her heart? Would she have been transformed either way?

Then, there's Craig. The boy who I once did everything in my power to destroy. At the time, I didn't see it. I didn't see how he could possibly do it. But, in the end, life is nothing but decisions that are made for us. It's all been pre-determined. To imagine that we have control is to dream. So, Craig cannot be blamed. It was a sorry set of events, but now I understand why they happened.

Lastly, there's JT. And there's JT. Once more, with feeling, there's JT. My JT. My savior. Could it be, maybe, even my everything? Until there was Sean Cameron. There is the JT Yorke that I broke. There is the persisting memory of a JT Yorke that I once loved. And there are nagging memories of a JT Yorke with no social skills who once checked out porn on my computer. There are a million different Ashley Kerwins, and a million different JT Yorkes. One of me and one of him fit perfectly together at one random moment in time. Sometimes, people are able to adapt their changing selves to another constantly changing person.

And sometimes they're not.

So, I'm turning my back on three different Mr. Rights. Some may even say I'm going blindly into the most serious relationship of my life with Mr. Wrong. Maybe they don't understand. Maybe they can't understand that I don't need a safe relationship. I'm not a safe girl. I'm crazy, and everyone will find this out in due time.

But, first, they'll find out about the horrible actions of the bitch, Ashley Kerwin. They'll talk. They'll whisper, but I'm sure some will scream. When will they realize that they can't change me? I am Ashley Kerwin. I have tamed your Degrassi gods. I have had my heart poured out for you year after year. You have watched my misery. You have rejoiced in it. You cannot rejoice anymore. You can only watch me. You can watch me live my life with my Mr. Wrong.

"_Say goodbye,  
To Mr. Right,  
Lock the door, turn out the light."_

"You talk to Paige, right?" I hear him ask. I'm totally not in the mood for Spinner/Paige bullshit.

"A little. Why?" I answer.

"You know we broke up?"

"No, I didn't. I'm sorry to hear that, Spin, but…"

"Well, Manny," he interrupts. "See, here's the thing. I'm worried about her. I can't really just pop up and ask how she's doing, and I'll tell you why. Number One – I don't want her getting the wrong idea, like I want her back or anything. I don't. Number Two – she wouldn't answer me truthfully anyway. She would either claim she's alright, or turn on the waterworks and try to guilt me back into a relationship. I need some way in and Hazel's out of the question. She has more loyalty to Paige than anyone else in this world. What I'm saying, is that I need you, Manny."

Someone needs me. It's a good feeling, but it soon fades. The fact that he needs me is not really a true fact. He needs someone, anyone. I'm just a good candidate for the job. "Well, Spin, I'll ask her about it."

"Can you ask her now?"

"I can call her," I offer rather generously.

"No. I want you to go over. I want you to tell me how she looks, Manny. I want to know if there's anything remotely wrong."

"I can tell you I'm sure she's hurting. It's hard to get out of any relationship that lasted as long as yours did, even if there were no feelings towards the end."

It does hurt. It hurts to know that you won't see the same familiar face kissing you anymore. That you won't have anywhere to go at 4 in the morning when all you need is a friend. It hurts that you won't have any sense of comfort. So many people start treating you like a ghost of your old self, that you start to feel like one.

"Can't you just help me out?" he asks. I want to know why he thinks I should help him out. What has he ever done for me? Make me cry?

"No, Spin, I can't just go over. I'm about five hours away from Degrassi right now."

"Oh, really? I didn't know you were on vacation."

"I stole my parents' car, Spin. I ran away."

"What?"

"No one needs me in Degrassi."

"That's not true."

"I don't even want to get into how true it is. Listen, Spin, I'll call you when I get back; we can discuss this some more."

"So, you're coming back?"

I sigh. "As far as you know," I say and hang up the phone. I stare at it, hoping he'll call back. He never does, but I do turn the car around.

"_Run away, don't look back.  
See another day in each new sun,  
Your life has just begun..."_

"I love you. Do you love me?" he asks with a goofy grin plastered on his face.

No. No! NO!! There has been no love for the longest time. There's just total dependency. "I love the way you kiss me."

"Then come here and let me do it some more," he coos.

"I can't. Mama will start to worry and call around if I'm not home soon."

"Marco, 15 minutes won't matter."

"I've been here all day, Dylan," I say, trying to reason with him.

"If you don't want to be here, fine. Just leave. Leave now. Get out. I don't want you here anymore."

I don't need to be asked twice, but as I walk home, I realize how much I hate our petty little fights. Sure, I wish he wouldn't… wouldn't do the things he does. I've learned to live with them, though. A lot of people have to deal with this. It's not the end all and be all of a relationship.

Not if you're in love.

"_He can still feel the touch of his hands,  
Not just the violence, but the warmth  
Of his man..."_

"He doesn't love me anymore, Haze. I'm not sure how long he's absolutely hated me. Maybe he's been cheating on me. Did we seem any different to you that night that we went to the concert? He said he just didn't feel the love anymore. We had love. We had more love than anyone else at Degrassi. How can he even pretend that we didn't have love? God. Haze, are you listening? Hazel?" I spoke rapidly, not bothering to take too many breaths.

"I'm here," she says weakly. I hear the faint tapping of keys in the background of the phone.

"How's Jimmy?" I ask sarcastically.

"Fine, fine."

"Could you maybe pay attention to me for like half a second? I'm broken hearted and suicidal."

"You're not suicidal, Paige."

"You don't know that!" I scream. God, when did Hazel turn into such a bitch?

"Calm down. You're just going through a tough time. We've all been there sweetie. You know Spinner wasn't right for you anyway. You can do so much better."

"I know I can. He should at least call or something. Attempt to be civil about it."

"Paige, give it up. Forget about Spinner. Let's go shopping tomorrow. It will get your mind off it a little. Maybe you can even give that cute guy at the pretzel stand your number. It will make you feel a lot better, I promise."

"Alright, I guess we can," I say. I don't want to go shopping. I don't want to flirt with the cute guy at the pretzel stand. I just want to die.

"Well, Jimmy needs to tell me something super important, so I have to call him now. Do you want me to call you back?" she asks.

"Nah," I say. "I think I'll go to sleep now. Call me in the AM and give me plans."

"Sure will," she says, and the phone clicks off.

My hand begins to automatically dial the Mason's phone number out of sheer habit. I stop myself before I get to the fourth number. "It's over, Paige," I remind myself out loud. Who knew break-ups were so hard?

"_Say goodbye to Mr. right;  
Lock the door, turn out the light.  
Pack your bags, leave this trap;  
Run away, don't look back."_

I yawn and stretch out my body on the soggy and weighted bed sheets. Mental note: buy new bed sheets. I look into the huge eyes of Sean Cameron, who seems to be staring intently on the ceiling. We exchange morning pleasantries.

I stand up and try to find some clothes to wear. I feel totally exposed being this naked in front of Sean, but I don't think he even notices. That's when I realize how different we are.

I am a teenage girl standing in front of a teenage boy. I am completely naked. He doesn't realize it. He is not ogling. We are not the norm.

In the kitchen, I make bacon and eggs for breakfast. By making bacon and eggs, I mean microwaving a few strips of bacon and barely frying a few eggs. Of course, like all my other cooking, it's horrendous. Sean, who aimlessly walked into the kitchen as soon as the aroma of bacon reached his nose, picks at it but doesn't complain. He even manages "it's good, Ash," at some point.

This is my life. This is my house. This is my boyfriend. This is all I can offer him.

The thoughts come rapidly, but I don't bother with them. I knew, at some point, I would want to get out of this. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. Yet, compared with my other option, this is bacon grease heaven.

And I can't be happier.

"_See another day in each new sun,  
Cause your life has just begun..."_

"I want to run away with you, Em," I whisper into her blonde hair that falls into my face.

"I love you Craig."

I can remember everything about her. I can remember the way she smells like apples. I can remember the way her skin feels underneath my wandering hands. I can remember the way her kiss tastes like rain.

I can love her.

It's a reputation you form after going through so many serious relationships with so many girls. Ashley. Manny. My sweet, wonderful, precious Emma. I even make myself sick, sometimes, with my cheesiness. But damned if I can help it.

So I tell her, point blank, that I want to marry her. I want her to mother my children. I want her to be a part of my life, always. She shudders inwardly and tells me that families aren't her strong suit.

"You just have had rough experiences, like, with your dad and stuff. What if we got away from all of this? Just you and me, baby. We could do it, you know that. You have the motherly instinct down pat, and I've never wanted anything but a child to call my own. Manny's abortion was the most devastating thing that's ever happened to me."

Her body grimaces at the mention. "Same here." I know that's not true, but I don't press it. We sit in silence, and I hope she's contemplating my offer. "That's the first time you've ever brought up Manny's abortion. Why is that?"

"I don't like to talk about it much." Manny made me want to hurl when she did that. It was completely the worst thing any person has ever done to me. But I foolishly believed I loved her. Love. Love is Emma. There was no love before Emma. There was respect and admiration and similar interests and convenience in Ashley. There was guilt and hope and loneliness in Manny. There was never true love. There will never be again. "I really wanted it. I would've done anything for a family. I respected Manny's decision, still do, I guess, but it doesn't make the pain go away. I imagine her in that clinic. I imagine how she must have felt raped, violated of her body. I can't even imagine. We created a beautiful thing. I guess we just felt like destroying something beautiful."

Emma had been drifting for awhile, so I hope she doesn't notice my corny line quoting from Fight Club. In fact, I push her hair back to reveal closed eyes. I smile and cover her up to the neck in blankets. Love. Love is Emma.

I see a smile dancing at her dreaming lips. I've finally found home.

"_It was the night she never felt so alive.  
Tonight she never felt so alive.  
It was the night she never felt so alive.  
And it's the first time I've ever seen her smile..."_


End file.
